It really sounds like an abuse cycle, Ali. He lashes out, telling you that your bad, tells you he's "done with you" to make you fear him leaving you, and then feels bad about it and himself.
Abuse is never OK. Never ever. No matter what life handed him or what his story is. He must really feel rotten about himself.
You are beautiful and deserve to be treated with love and respect, free from abuse.
Love, Lucky
I know for sure it is an abuse cycle. I also know for sure that I am ok. He escalates the calmer and more serene I am ? Weird? Yesterday when I was setting a new boundary?
DO NOT SWEAR AND DO NOT CALL ME NAMES ( for the 100,0000,0000+ time? and said I am going to let you go , TTYL K?
He blew up?
WE talked for a long time last nite. I am not getting all hopeful @ his "behavior" anytime soon. He wants me to feel beautiufl and be sexual? It does not come so easy when you are told nasty words/ And then my LL for sure is 'WORDS'. IT cuts thru me.
The best part is I am allowing myself to not listen to his words. I asked him last nite if he thought I was sexy? And he said " h&ll yeah you are hot as hell."
I replied .. "HMM... well see just over the Winter Break? you told me in anger B*TCH , you aint sexy enough for me."
He stayed quiet. I di dtell him I am done being spoken to that way. I wont have it , I do not deserve to be spoken to that way. I have had enough. He agreed.
WE shall see.
And a MIracle occured. He asked me how to get rid of his anger, what he could do , that he was sick of always being angry. I used the example of leeting him go earlier and then he went ballistic. B?C his take on it was .. IS SHE LETS ME GO? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME? WHY? WHAT DID I DO?
* i am doing The Work with Byron Katie and so I said this...
" Instead of believing all those negative thoughts... Ali is letting me go cause she doesnt care about me // not true Ali is so cold and heartless// not true She has better stuff to do so she is letting me go// not true either.
And then these are true or truer...
She is letting me go b/c she loves me and this conversation is going south. She is letting me go simply b/c she had nothing else to talk about.
He couldnt believe that the negative thoughts he has are keeping him locked in anger and self loathing.
I did not mention the self loathing.
"So if i just stop believing the negative stuff , I will get better?" he asked?
"Yes... it pops in your head and you believe it w/o a doubt. It doesnt make it true b/c it pops in your head. You are letting your negative thought and anger rule your life XXXXXX."
I could believe every time the thought pops in my head of you being rude and saying. Ali you arent sexy.
It isnt true, I am sexy. But if I believe you were telling the truth and not just being ruled by anger then I can walk around hurt and feeling sorry for myself.
I also told him,,,
There is no way for this /us /you to get better when you are stuck in the past.
I honestly think he heard.
So I know he wont ask me for a book anytime soon. But I do knwo that I have to be true to myself and if and when he acts abusively.. I will not just sit there and take it.
If it means he walks then he walks. I love him , but not who he has become over the years. he is very bitter.
Thanks Cinco , Lucky and OT. Are you sure you werent praying for my H not to be so stubborn and listen? Love ya Cinco.
I think the more I see the beauty that is me the more he is forced to change and he doesnt like it. I told him ... you want me back? * The *ME* you all know here.* Then you have to change,,, your behavior is unacceptable.
Love, Ali
I know in my heart this will take another year of work. I just do. he has a lot of crap to get thru. I do too, I feel like throwing in the towel a lot lately , even with all the love I feel for him. I need to see he this is moving... I am healing . I get very frustrated with him. This has been going on far too long. This love I feel for myself has to grow.
