when we listen to ourselves, really listen, we sometimes hear more than just the emotions that frighten us...we hear the messages that our core selves are trying to convey through the pain...
Yes. And by hearing those messages, we find the determination to make ourselves look inward and that's where the strength lies.
Here is the dilemma we all face. On one hand we are supposed to get to the friendship stage and hopefully move on to the next stage towards reconciliation YET we are also supposed to lovingly disconnect. Are we to assume that we only get to the friendship stage if our WAS initiates towards friendship????
My W and I text almost everyday over kid issues. We do say appreciative things to one and another. As I mentioned I asked her out and she has accepted for us to go skating with the kids this Saturday. To tell you the truth I am feeling a bit weird about it. My WAW really should have been the one to ask but I thought I would take the reins and ask her.
I am wondering what to do after the skating. Do I sort of go dim and just leave things with the hope that she asks next time? I know we are supposed to just concentrate on ourselves and our kids but when, if ever, do we put energy into getting to the next level?
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
WP I've been having the same feelings/concerns. I want to ask my wife to do things, how else are we going to get to know each other again but I don't want to push it. I am pretty sure she won't take the lead in this...Of course yesterday she called to see if I could take her and the kids sledding because she could get her car out unfortunately I couldn't get mine out either...
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
Volleydog, There you go. That was a positive baby step. The child experst say that we should not be doing this though. They say it builds faulse hopes with our children to see mom and dad getting along so well..... So who knows ??
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
WP, I'm not in your situation...since B and I just don't talk at all and I don't reach out to her in any way...my approach to her and, well, to everything else in my life now is not to cling - not to attach myself - but rather to maintain a sense of freedom - and an awareness that my happiness depends on me first. For me to be there for my sons I must first be there as a complete person within myself - and I was not able to do that while still attached to B. When we attach ourselves to another person - we empower that person at the expense of ourselves - that's just not healthy - doing so leads to expectations - and expectations lead to disappointment - and disappointment foments resentment - and resentment manifests itself as blame - and blame obscures our perspectives of ourselves...
In other words...you seem to be in a very different place than I. I'm not reaching out to B at all - and have quite simply let her go entirely - in letting go I've gained many insights into myself - and have also realized that there are some profound things I have to address in myself - things that have nothing to do with her at all - and these are issues that have been with me for a long time, and neglected or ignored for too many years.
In sense, then, I'm suggesting that you put your focus back onto you - do what you have to do for you to be happy - without thoughts of your W - but with considerations - real considerations for yourself...I don't think two people can get to know each other in any real sense if they don't first get to know themselves first...in that regard, B is quite a stranger to me....and, I believe, to herself as well.
As in life, everything is for a reason and everything plays out the way it is supposed to.
I think skating on Saturday as a family is probably a bad idea. As it turns out our D is through the roof happy about it and there lies the problem. I just can't hurt my daughter because I am being selfish and want to spend time with my W.
You are right I have to get back to working on myself and not be so focussed on my W. It 'may" be a different situation if she had initiated us going out one on one but that was not the case.
My W and I are going to talk about the skating thing tonight. I have already told her I uncomfortable about it as I can't risk hurting my daughter. I am sure we will cancel it. I will be able to help my daughter understand.
Oh well, 2 x 4 to me to get back on track.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
I spoke to my W. She thinks it's fine for us to go out as a family. She said that she thinks it's great for the kids to see that we are all good friends and that we can go out and do stuff as a family.She thinks we can do other things all together as well. I have read so much about this and it's the worst thing for little kids to see. They can't process why mommy and daddy are not together if they get along so well. I really think it's time for me to disconect and just focuss on myself and my kids. If someone thinks I am off here PLEASE let me know.
Last edited by whitneypinch; 01/30/0912:03 AM.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
