Right when I think I have gotten a grip of all this, my mood changes and my mind strays. And I dont mean that it necessarily strays to "somewhere", but my future "snapshots" dont include H. I am making my finance plan (yeah right!) and he (or better said his income) is not included, I am thinking about summer vacation (I'll go camping I think) and he is not "there", I am thinking of taking my son to NY to the Museum of National History and it's just me and my kids... (Btw, my S announced he is leaving our home when he becomes 18 and moves to...Montana, USA. He said he "has information " that that is where all the dinosaure skeletons are -he used the scientific words that I dont know in English- and he is planning to move there to discover some. I told him that sounds like a good plan and maybe I would join him to cook for the scientists involved. He said he would rather be alone there, too much dust for me).
So, days are passing by and I think this "dragging of our feet" does not do us any good. I love my H. I know because I dont want to hurt him, I adore my kids and they deserve to have a family, but I dont know if I can bring that loving feeling back. No matter what I've tried it hasnt worked so far. I think we have this unique sitch where we cant see each other at all during the week (both Cs said we shouldnt move in together yet) but as long as we dont, we have no time together. It's like we are both trying to "connect" with each other telepathetically and once we get to the "next level" we may decide to make it physical too... Guess what? It isnt working. I have so many question for the C this week. I am noting everything down. K
I feel much better at work and people are noticing. I feel I am going back to my old pre-bomb self and my finance plan says I will be fine by September unless I decide to do something crazy by then...
