Divorced, but 'still hopeful' to reconcile.

[still hopeful]

Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me. I appreciate all who take time out of their busy lives to help those they only know through their crises on the board.

...but if you portray yourself to your x anything close to how you come across in your posts you r coming off way too needy. Listen to Frank and chill man! You can tell yourself that your detaching tell yr blue in the face, but at some point u have to walk the walk.

Perhaps you can help me with SEEING my neediness, because I think that that is my problem, I'm not even seeing my displays of neediness so I am not aware of what the heck I am DOING wrong. Stereotypical "forest for the trees" syndrome. As far as my friend frank_D goes, he has been great in telling me what I need to do, so I do know. My problem has been just doing it. I agree with him that my problem all along has been that I haven't let go because I don't want to for fear of losing her for good. Yes, my has denial has run that deep this long. I've already lost her; we're divorced. The time came along time ago to JUST DO IT! That time is still here. Time to walk the walk for real.

I can tell u r a nice guy. Yr ex knows u r too. Now show her yr a strong, confident SOB that doesnt need her in his life. Want is a different story, but not need. Codependence Bad. Self-confidence Good ;-)

Being nice got me divorced, so clearly nice is the wrong thing to be showing my XW. In all other aspects of my life, I'm a strong, confident SOB, but the only aspect of my life that will positively affect my sitch is to be that same strong, confident SOB with XW instead of the wuss that I've allowed myself to morph into during our R. I need to take a long, hard look at my behavior showing want vs. need to XW. Clearly, what I post says that what I show is need, instead of want to my XW. Again, my R with XW is the only place that I'm co-dependent. Sort of good, except that I'm here because of my R with my XW. Clearly I need to show confidence in ALL aspects of my life, particularly with XW.

She doesnt want to chase u because yr always there. Bob n weave brotha. Yr too available. Yr post r filled w what yr going to do if she comes bck. Comes bck? Yr D'd. She's gone. At least the old one is. The aliens came and grabbed her. Along w mine. Her harddrive was formated. The files r gone. Now that u got tht settled. Move on and rebuild.

I have always been available. Always. By doing THAT all this time, I really didn't think I was making matters worse in my sitch, but hindsight.... Thank you for pointing out that my focus is on something that I have NO control over. We ARE divorced. She is gone. The aliens have grabbed her and I KNOW this. I am working on settling this emotionally. It's not an intellectual problem, it's emotional denial that I'm struggling with. And I am on the 'disengaging and detaching'(D&D) path, which is the correct path for me to be on but, it's foreign as hell; thoroughly unfamiliar. I am afraid that even if I 'do' everything 'right', that you are correct and it's all for naught. However, you and others have posted to me that my work on myself during my sitch is my gift to ME, and I also doubt that I would have found my way to be doing what I continue to do for myself had I not found myself in my sitch. Good coming from bad. It's a strange concept, but definitely true for me here. Frank_D puts it this way, "Just smile and wave."

Dont tell her u've changed show her. Show her u dont need her to survive.

Again, I'm on the D&D path, and working on learning as quickly as I'm able to show XW my true strong and confident personality that I show everyone else in my life, as time marches on. I will focus on patting myself on the back for my small victories along the way instead of beating myself up for NOT doing everything perfectly now. As frank_D counseled me, this is a new behavior pattern; I'm growing.

I've reached a point where I accept that and am almost happy about it.

I look forward to reaching that point. I want to be happy.

I would have still been living in the matrix not having a clue what I really needed or wanted. Unfortunately, sometimes it just wasnt meant to b. In my sitch, I married a closet narcissist....

We must have been next door neighbors in the Matrix. I was lost and finding myself has been a wondrous journey of self discover. I certainly wasn't interested in improving myself before this experience. I do wonder if we just weren't meant to be. Looking back, my XW wasn't hiding the fact that she is narcissistic. She always showed me who she was. I started morphing into the wuss very early on in our R. My bad. 'Stupid donkey.' It was her narcissism that really drove me batty, and sadly, I don't even think she sees that a problem exists. It works for her.

You cant force someone to love u no matter how hard u try. Believe me.

That much I know. The most confusing part in my situation is XW confessing TO ME that she loves me and how sad she is that we didn't work out. She allows me closer and then pulls away playing the blame game like the aftermath of our Tahoe trip. All that tells me that although we are divorced, she hasn't completely closed the door to reconciliation. But I know that I have to suppress my emotions and thoughts about that and plan my life as though we will NEVER reconcile. Sad, but that's where the safe money is bet.

My advice if any from what I learned is to just let go. Dont talk abt letting go. JUST DO IT!!!

Sound familiar. Part of letting go will come from forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them for giving up. Forgive them for they dont know what they r doing. The best definition of forgiviness that I found that helped me let go was realizing u cant change the past.

Yes, of course, it does. Staying on the D&D path...stumbling, bumbling, fumbling...as I make my way. Yes, I need to do my forgiveness work in earnest. That and stop keeping score. And yes, reminding myself that I can't undo past mistakes is a daily task.

Forgiving her was really hard. Why should I forgive her? How could I after she walked away from her marriage, commitment, family??? You know why? Because u need to forgive for yourself so u can let go. I read somewhere on here a great quote about resentment "resentment is like u drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die".

Ever time I got angry at the thought of what she did, where I was at now. What had happened I was just poisoning myself. Poisoning who I was. Classic projection my friend. Self projection! LOL!

I love the quote about resentment, especially. Never heard it put that way, but how appropriate. This is very similar to- Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

She thought I was controlling by wanted to talk about our R or whatever. yet I, YOU are being controlled by them, well really by ourselves by not letting go. Anyway, u know what u have to do. For your kids, for yourself, for any hope of a future w yr ex. Drop the rope. Throw it as far as u can. It's just leads to despair and pain of the past.

One area that I have been lucky in is that I haven't tried to have any R discussions. She has initiated all of them. My XW's main thing about me has been that she's maintained that I was abusive. Now after my snowboarding accident damn near killed me 6 years ago and my brain has healed, I realize that my behavior was not as she would have me believe that it was with any regularity. Sure, I'd get pissed off, but I was generally very muted in my reactions because I was deep into my 'wuss' persona. So...I believe that her 'perception' of me is simply exaggerated evidence to justify her giving up on her M when she did. I don't know, but I do know this; I can't read her mind and I don't have her perceptions of reality from her point of view.

Embrace today. Be happy to be alive! Be happy that u have begun a journey that less then 10% of the ppl on this planet could even comprehend. Forget about climbing to the top of Mt Everest. Try climbing up the mountain of your soul. Who am I really? What do I need and want? Why am I so co-dependent? Why to I fall for the illusion of having control? Why? Why?

Figure those things out and u might not even want yr ex in yr life anymore. U might determine u deserve more. Who knows. I wish u the best on yr journey my friend. JUST DO IT!!! I will keep on following yr story. You have gained a lot of wisdom on yr journey. Keep it up!

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for all of the wonderful gifts that God has bestowed upon me, particularly allowing me to get off that mountain and recover from my coma. I have been working on strengthening my faith. I continue to read a lot of information about personal growth and self improvement. Since my accident, I have changed my personality a great deal, as I was not happy with many aspects of how I dealt with people. I am really finding out who I was before I wuss-ified myself in my R, and you know what, I like myself, and since I do like me I'll continue improving me.

Those are all great questions. What do I need and want? Why co-dependent? Why try to control? I will certainly grapple with them in the coming weeks. Frank_D told me ages ago, that if I continue working on myself and XW doesn't, I may find that I've outgrown her. I realize that that is a real possibility. I do deserve more from a partner than XW is able to give me right now. I know that we would not work right now, but she may see that her personality and behavioral tendencies are problematic for her and with that, she may choose to work on changing those personal problems or she may not. I know that I must emotionally divorce my 'old' XW and let go. As frank_D (yes again) said to me, I am being a real ****, by not giving her the D that she pursued and attained because I haven't let go and allowed both of us to be free and grow. I'm working on it. I am staying on that D&D path even though I am traveling blind, but I'll keep making progress as I feel my way from where I am to where I intend to be.

BTW, reading your post was very comforting in finding out that I am conveying my sitch and my actions clearly, even though I sometimes make mistakes along the way. I will, JUST DO IT! for my own sanity and well-being.