There was a period of a couple months after my H and I seperated where we were "friends with benefits". It was mostly at my instigation. H was reluctant because he didn't want to "lead me on". I assured him that I could be intimate with him and not expect that it means we are "back together". It was just "in the moment" between two people who genuinely care for each other and are "scratching each others itch" so to speak.
I had talked to my counselor about it. He thought that it could be a good thing, a sharing in the moment, so long as I could keep it just in the moment. And I did.....but then my H felt hemmed in, and then other stuff happened and H completely withdrew again.
My point is that while I don't necessarily believe that sex should be absolutely avoided unless/until the WAS is ready to commit to the R again, I do think it is risky for both partners for many reasons. So, you need to think really hard about whether you can be intimate and be in the moment and have no expectations (that is a very tough thing to do....most can't do it).
However, having said all that, the issue with NO affection, and wam-bam.......well, I would feel that is just demeaning and if I allowed that, I would be afraid of the repercussions on any future relationship we might build, because accepting those limitations sends the message to H that I'm OK with him using me as a "thing". I don't see how that could be emotionally healthy for either of you. Once he has seen you're OK with that, how is that going to help him eventually come to see you in a loving light again?? And, I would think that each time this happens, you loose a little bit of your self respect to him, and that's not healthy either!
So, my best advice is to not engage in intimacy unless you can meet with equal footing at least. Don't do that to yourself!! You do deserve better!!
[[[[[hugs]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
