I thought about choosing "I don't have that guilt in me anymore", but I still kinda do have it.
Well, no contact since Monday afternoon late. Feels weird, but it's nice to not have the drama.
I am thinking about the give and take process. I see my H asking me for something (friendship) which I have given in the past. I asked to not be hurt (OW) which he did not reciprocate, knowing full well the pain it put me in. Then he gets mad when I don't give the friendship anymore. Funny. It clarifies what is happening that way.
I believe him when he says he is not sleeping with her, but I still resent him for putting her and his need to take care of her, ahead of me. I know I made a mistake. Done. Not going thru it again. "I don't have that guilt in me anymore."
Okay. J, yes, I started that GAL/PMA goal of the degree at the end of the 1st A. I knew I was lacking something in myself. I graduate in May and I am really excited. Can't believe I'll have my master's.
Have some interesting self-discoveries to share. Realized that to an extent, my parents were somewhat narcissistic. A little bit tyrannical and a little bit smothering. As long as I was doing what they wanted, I was rewarded. When I didn't comply or didn't succeed in what they wanted, the love and approval was withheld. Of course I learned to please them as much as possible. I got good grades. I was never in trouble with the law. I only came home late a few times, although, the few times I did, I was told I was inconsiderate and a lecture would ensue. I was never allowed to go out "driving around" with friends. If I would have told them I was going to a "party" they would have flipped!!! Dad was gone a LOT. Mom was there but she was...I don't know. I know they love me. I know they did everything they did because it was what they believed was best. I don't doubt that at all. When we went on vacation, we went where they wanted to go (I've mentioned this). When I went to college, I went where they wanted me to go. A friend died in HS, and I was not allowed to go to the funeral because we were going out of town that day. Junior or sophomore year of HS, they decided they wanted horses and cows. Fine, they bought it for them. But then they decided that I needed to learn to run barrels, goat tie, etc. I had never expressed a desire in this. But they lobbed it on me anyway. I either never got heard, or got asked what I wanted to do, then railroaded into doing something different. It is the same even now when I go home. Over Christmas "Oh, this is gonna be a pamper Mel week, without the kids...we're gonna have so much fun..." There was no pampering. The fingers and toes got cancelled for a trip to Llano. I have mixed feelings. I didn't really need the pampering. I agreed to the trip. Because I didn't want to disappoint them and I did want to spend time with them.
I live in NM. They live 9 hours away. We have been here since June 2001. In October 2001 they came to visit us. Well, they came down the mountain, took us out to eat, then went back up the mountain to do what they had planned for the weekend. They didn't come back until 2005, I think. And they haven't been back again since. So I realize there are some abandonment issues there with the narcissistic ones. Who refuses to come see their kid??? And when your kid comes home once or twice a year, why don't you put all of your activities aside to be with that kid and your grandkids?
And then for H to choose to go TDY??? I wondered why it bothered me so much. Well, heck, it's just one more time that I am being left behind or not listened to or having my feelings about the issue swept aside. I know he didn't do it on purpose. And until now, I could not have put two and two together. But I get it a little better now. I know it's not DB to focus on the history/past. And I agree with it. But I also need to know why. I have to understand WTH made me this way so that I can NOT repeat my past. I know I won't now. But each little nail in the coffin just cements it even more.
I realize I have issues with it too, because I am always having to go where he goes, it's not up to me. I'm also having to live with his decision to stay, because again, it's not up to me. So anyway.
THEN!!! I go online this morning and find this Enniagram (sp?) with the 9 personalit traits and take the test and find out I'm a six and guess what 6s are exactly what I have been finding out I am in that book...no surprise, I know, but still...just more data to analyze. It says I'm contradictory. I can see that.
I'm just trying to take a self-inventory because I've always done what parents want or what H wants...and it's nice and scary to try to start to find myself.
Okay. J. Where in NM?? Well, THE coolest airplane on earth (Raptor) is stationed here. I could sit outside and watch that thing...until the end of time and never get tired of it. We haven't been in Minot since 2001. I'm a dork. I kind of miss it. I would go back. Don't laugh!!!
Okay. I am going to go reread your last post. I know you asked other stuff. Oh. Getting certified in another state. Okay. I live in NM right now. I am getting my license here. But Texas offers reciprocity between here and there. So they will accept my certification. So you may have to go live somewhere else to get it done and get certified in it, and then move back...but...I dunno. Worth looking into, anyway.
