The Unfaithful Wife - That's Still Me #3

[Mellenmack]

I thought about choosing "I don't have that guilt in me anymore", but I still kinda do have it.

Well, no contact since Monday afternoon late. Feels weird, but it's nice to not have the drama.

I am thinking about the give and take process. I see my H asking me for something (friendship) which I have given in the past. I asked to not be hurt (OW) which he did not reciprocate, knowing full well the pain it put me in. Then he gets mad when I don't give the friendship anymore. Funny. It clarifies what is happening that way.

I believe him when he says he is not sleeping with her, but I still resent him for putting her and his need to take care of her, ahead of me. I know I made a mistake. Done. Not going thru it again. "I don't have that guilt in me anymore."

Okay. J, yes, I started that GAL/PMA goal of the degree at the end of the 1st A. I knew I was lacking something in myself. I graduate in May and I am really excited. Can't believe I'll have my master's.

Have some interesting self-discoveries to share. Realized that to an extent, my parents were somewhat narcissistic. A little bit tyrannical and a little bit smothering. As long as I was doing what they wanted, I was rewarded. When I didn't comply or didn't succeed in what they wanted, the love and approval was withheld. Of course I learned to please them as much as possible. I got good grades. I was never in trouble with the law. I only came home late a few times, although, the few times I did, I was told I was inconsiderate and a lecture would ensue. I was never allowed to go out "driving around" with friends. If I would have told them I was going to a "party" they would have flipped!!! Dad was gone a LOT. Mom was there but she was...I don't know. I know they love me. I know they did everything they did because it was what they believed was best. I don't doubt that at all. When we went on vacation, we went where they wanted to go (I've mentioned this). When I went to college, I went where they wanted me to go. A friend died in HS, and I was not allowed to go to the funeral because we were going out of town that day. Junior or sophomore year of HS, they decided they wanted horses and cows. Fine, they bought it for them. But then they decided that I needed to learn to run barrels, goat tie, etc. I had never expressed a desire in this. But they lobbed it on me anyway. I either never got heard, or got asked what I wanted to do, then railroaded into doing something different. It is the same even now when I go home. Over Christmas "Oh, this is gonna be a pamper Mel week, without the kids...we're gonna have so much fun..." There was no pampering. The fingers and toes got cancelled for a trip to Llano. I have mixed feelings. I didn't really need the pampering. I agreed to the trip. Because I didn't want to disappoint them and I did want to spend time with them.

I live in NM. They live 9 hours away. We have been here since June 2001. In October 2001 they came to visit us. Well, they came down the mountain, took us out to eat, then went back up the mountain to do what they had planned for the weekend. They didn't come back until 2005, I think. And they haven't been back again since. So I realize there are some abandonment issues there with the narcissistic ones. Who refuses to come see their kid??? And when your kid comes home once or twice a year, why don't you put all of your activities aside to be with that kid and your grandkids?

And then for H to choose to go TDY??? I wondered why it bothered me so much. Well, heck, it's just one more time that I am being left behind or not listened to or having my feelings about the issue swept aside. I know he didn't do it on purpose. And until now, I could not have put two and two together. But I get it a little better now. I know it's not DB to focus on the history/past. And I agree with it. But I also need to know why. I have to understand WTH made me this way so that I can NOT repeat my past. I know I won't now. But each little nail in the coffin just cements it even more.

I realize I have issues with it too, because I am always having to go where he goes, it's not up to me. I'm also having to live with his decision to stay, because again, it's not up to me. So anyway.

THEN!!! I go online this morning and find this Enniagram (sp?) with the 9 personalit traits and take the test and find out I'm a six and guess what 6s are exactly what I have been finding out I am in that book...no surprise, I know, but still...just more data to analyze. It says I'm contradictory. I can see that.

I'm just trying to take a self-inventory because I've always done what parents want or what H wants...and it's nice and scary to try to start to find myself.

Okay. J. Where in NM?? Well, THE coolest airplane on earth (Raptor) is stationed here. I could sit outside and watch that thing...until the end of time and never get tired of it. We haven't been in Minot since 2001. I'm a dork. I kind of miss it. I would go back. Don't laugh!!!

Okay. I am going to go reread your last post. I know you asked other stuff. Oh. Getting certified in another state. Okay. I live in NM right now. I am getting my license here. But Texas offers reciprocity between here and there. So they will accept my certification. So you may have to go live somewhere else to get it done and get certified in it, and then move back...but...I dunno. Worth looking into, anyway.

Mel

Don't know where to Start #1

The Unfaithful Wife - That's Me #2

[K4D]

Wow Mel,

It sounds like you have worked very hard to please people most of your life and it hasn't always worked out how you would have hoped. I guess my W feels the same way. She has always tried to please everyone else and then not had much reciprocated. So she is fed up with it all.

I'd say just be yourself. Don't worry so much about always pleasing everyone. Do what works for you. They will respect it once they see consistancy and know you are taking care of yourself. Its not being selfish. Its just being your own person who happens to be married (at the moment).

It sounds like you are moving along the right track though.

Kevin

[K4D]

I have a cousin in law in Albuquereque NM. Are you anywhere around there?

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

About 3 hours South. Albuquerque...ugh. The only place I know, including San Antonio, TX that seems to constantly be in SWAT mode. I am not kidding! Every night on the news I hear about what SWAT stitch is being responded to. Amazing.

Mel

[25yearsmlc]

Just found your thread and thought I'd post to save it on mine. Okay, now I'll go read your stuff...
( j )

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

there's a great book on Boundaries somewhere out there that I've heard great things about. You probably should read it b/c you don't seem to know where you end and others begin. It's a life long pattern so it'll take time to change it, but you've identified it and notably, you realize it is not making you happy. It's hindering your own happiness and growth as a person. So yeah, get some boundaries and enforce them b/c they're healthy and you have to teach your d that, and s13 too. They'll be exposed to your h so much, with his naricisstic tendencies and manipulative crap, they'll have the same problem you do.

Won't it be great if you can model for them what it's like to set firm, healthy and LOVING boundaries? You know, you're their only chance of seeing healthy boundaries...You know what those are? Boundaries where everyone is responsible for their own choices and behaviors, and no one blames others for them? Boundaries that you reflect when you refuse to accept someone else's problems as your own THAT kind of boundary...and where you don't shoulder other's burdens, let alone b/c it's assumed you will just because (unless you choose to out of love and empathy and I'm referring there, to helping someone who is sick, or needy and deserving...not your h and his "roommate"...)

and btw, if he and "ow" or "roomie w" aren't in some type of A...what's up with introducing her to family? And ignoring you and d4 at the store, showing that you are lower on the totem pole than she is? If she's a "friend" only, why on earth wouldn't he drop everything to join you in the store and help, even if he brought his "friend" with him, why remain separated in the store b/c YOU are his w and she is your daughter... regardless of R status, that is still true.

I don't know about a PA or whatever...I just know if you had a man living in the same house and went out in public with him, and then saw your h with d4 in public, and barely spoke but stayed "shopping" with the OP....ummm, your h would blow a gasket. Period. As for the counselling, I still don't get it exactly. He wants to go, but does not want to be married. Says he wants to be friends but isn't clear about what that means..Does he mean "w/ benefits"? Or just to rub things in your face? Or is he that clueless that he thinks everyone should be just fine with whatever he does, with whomever, b/c hey......(drum roll) YOU HAD THE A!!! (He should write a song with that refrain every time he gets mad, which is often....but can he sing?)

That's alls I got for now...
j-

[K4D]

Mel,

How was your day? Anything new happen in the world of you and H?

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Hey Kevin!
I had to email him today to confirm the appointment for Monday and to confirm his plans to pick up D4 tomorrow. I was also under the impression he was working this weekend so I let him know that I would appreciate it if he had to leave her, that he bring her back to me. Told him that we are all fine and that I hoped he was too (but I didn't ask). He emailed back that I should have known that he would leave her with me before leaving her with OW and that he thought we had already had that conversation. Whatever. He asked one other question and I answered it and didn't ask any in return. I am sure he has realized that I only answer if there is a question and so now he only answers if there is a question. Good policy, probably.

Although we aren't making any progress together, I am doing better I think. I finally found Evans' Verbally Abusive Relationship. It's hard. If he is, it is all covert, nothing that just screams verbal abuse, although J and Breakaway would probably disagree with me. Also got a book on Enneagram personalities. That book is cool.

Other than that, "all is quiet on the Western front". Work is good. Heard OM state today that he, another coworker and I are the core group for administering ACT test. I said "NO. I gave up the test supervisor position to you. I told you I am too busy. I WILL NOT be administering this exam. Please do not consider me a part of this group anymore." What part of "This is your responsibility now and I won't be able to help you" did you not understand???!!! I know I was perfectly clear when I told him this last week.

I know it's stupid, but I can't help but wonder if he doesn't go ahead and file for divorce because he knows it gives me hope and that as long as I have *some* hope, I probably won't ask his command for a no-contact order. Then, if and when she moves out, he'll file for divorce right away. What can I say? I'm an analyzer. To the point it drives me crazy but I can't keep myself from it.

MIL called tonight and I let the machine get it after what she said the other night. "I just won't believe that H said he only married you because you were pregnant. You know he was young when ya'll got married." Yeah, DAW, I just make this cr@p up. And we were both young. How is it I was able to control myself the first 10 years but he wasn't?? But I didn't say those things. I shut my mouth and ended the conversation. Why stay tangled up in it, kwim?

Anyway! I am going to go check on everyone else.

Mel

[K4D]

Cool. I had a bad night that I will probably regret tomorrow. Tonite I feel like I am so done with the garbage I have for a W. See my post for details.

Glad you are handling things with MIL. She needs to stay out of it unless she can help yall and it doesn't sound like she is. I hope your appointment goes well. And good job for putting OM in place.

You are really moving along and taking control of things. I'm about on edge enough to do the same thing. My W is going to file. Nothing I can do about it. And tonite, I don't care. Go ahead and file. Whatever. The sooner she is out of my life, the better. I'm tired of this crap. I'm tossing my own values out the window.

I'm done.

Anyways, gald you are doing ok.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

I just want to slap your mil's face off right thru the phone, and your h's too. But let's remember when OUR sons become h's, not to let them be jerks.Man I'd take my son and spank him for this poop. NO way would I defend the OW/NOT OW living in the house and playing victim...blah blah blah.

Geez, what an enabler she is. LET HER take care of him forever and get his passive aggressive- whatever- it- is- psycho stuff.

And Good for you not giving in to his swirling vortex of negativity so he can vilify you some more. Aren't you tired of the vilification/justification/rationalization/exploitaion/Masturbation?--(hey it rhymed and I was on a roll)...

Um, I guess I'm tired now. See ya!
(( j ))