Can anyone answer this?

[sunshinelewis]

I really dont know how to put this but I will try. A few times after our divorce my xh and I were intimate. BUT during this time he would set quidelines like. NO KISSING AT ALL during or after (every now and then I would sneak a small peck on the lips). NO HUGGING, and NO foreplay (sorry but I really didnt know how else to say that). NO affection at all just plain ole wham bam. BUT he also made sure I was taken care of if you know what I mean. I ask why and he just says because that is the way its gonna be take it or leave it. And of course I wanted to spend time with him so bad I took it.
Why do you think he does this. He says he doesnt do this with no one else. (I shouldnt of been doing this anyway).

[TRUSTING]

Control, power, self-centeredness.

Ml'ers try to get control from anything because they have no control over their actions.

[MrBond]

Exactly. It's all about control and what "they" can handle. Acknowledge that and at the same time, be sure he acknowledges that you have boundaries as well.

[yellowrose]

Sun

When your XH said take it or leave it you gave him the control. If it ever happens again I would tell him sorry and leave it. That's just my opinion.

My H and I also ML when he was doing his touch and goes. You know moving home for 2 weeks and then back to the ow. When we did ML he was so rough! He left bruises on me, that is how rough he was. Before MLC he was the most tender, loving person and he turn into this. I told him about it and he told me that I hurt his feelings!!!! I wasn't going to be treated that way again!!!!

This just shows you how MLC affects them!!! Like the others have said, they like the control factor. Set some boundries!

Y

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, Sunshine.

There was a period of a couple months after my H and I seperated where we were "friends with benefits". It was mostly at my instigation. H was reluctant because he didn't want to "lead me on". I assured him that I could be intimate with him and not expect that it means we are "back together". It was just "in the moment" between two people who genuinely care for each other and are "scratching each others itch" so to speak.

I had talked to my counselor about it. He thought that it could be a good thing, a sharing in the moment, so long as I could keep it just in the moment. And I did.....but then my H felt hemmed in, and then other stuff happened and H completely withdrew again.

My point is that while I don't necessarily believe that sex should be absolutely avoided unless/until the WAS is ready to commit to the R again, I do think it is risky for both partners for many reasons. So, you need to think really hard about whether you can be intimate and be in the moment and have no expectations (that is a very tough thing to do....most can't do it).

However, having said all that, the issue with NO affection, and wam-bam.......well, I would feel that is just demeaning and if I allowed that, I would be afraid of the repercussions on any future relationship we might build, because accepting those limitations sends the message to H that I'm OK with him using me as a "thing". I don't see how that could be emotionally healthy for either of you. Once he has seen you're OK with that, how is that going to help him eventually come to see you in a loving light again?? And, I would think that each time this happens, you loose a little bit of your self respect to him, and that's not healthy either!

So, my best advice is to not engage in intimacy unless you can meet with equal footing at least. Don't do that to yourself!! You do deserve better!!

[[[[[hugs]]]]]

[gsr1]

Boundaries, set them they don't like it but you'll be glad you did, just let him know you still care and love him but you just can't be used that way. You need to have control of the situation too, remember YOUR the one with your head on straight.

[sunshinelewis]

Thanks guys.
I am always the instigator also. Only once did he make the first move and that was about 1 month ago. We were being intimate almost weekly then.
This is the thing, we have only been divorced 1 month, seperated over 4 months now. The first say 3 months or so he allowed affection, the last few times I was with him he started setting boundaries. He said it brought up to many feelings for both of us. Is it possible that he gets "scared" and freaks out because of losing control. Because I do believe what you said is true, he is constantly telling me its his way. When I tried to kiss him on the neck even, he pulled away and said NO! We are not doing that! He said the last time that it wasnt right us being divorced and being intimate with each other. BUT he also says that no one will ever replace me. (in a round about way).
He is BIG on stuff like, when I am at his house, I am NOT to make myself at home, for instance like I got a drink out of the fridge and he wanted me to ask first. HIS space not mine, BUT he is just now learning that I want the same respect, and he tries, but I think he still feels too much at home when he has to be here, he dont ask to use the restroom.lol
If I told him I wanted more, and I did, thats when he said take it or leave it, and I almost did, but gave in. He def has total control over everything right now. What do you think would happen if he lost control? Also......I forgot to mention that when he is mad at me he always says. "I will never be back with you". Ok, you already said this like a bizillion times.

Do you all think he may also be scared of being pulled back.
and if thats the case, will going dark push him futher away?

[sunshinelewis]

^

[sunshinelewis]

Guys awhile back my xh, in my opinion, really fell for this young girl he worked with, she broke it off when she found out he was lying to impress her. He hasnt gotten over her and I think maybe alot of his anger is from that. It breaks my heart to think so, I so wish GOD would remove the pain I feel from things like this. I tell myself its only been over 4 months now, but I wont to be over him so bad,,,but only if thats what GOD wants. I do know that I have to completely let go before GOD can work in my life, whether it be with my xh or someone else or just plain by myself.
Today my xh hurt me badly, I know he was angry, but I will never forget what he said. I did call him, and I left a message for him to call me back concerning his truck. I want to get my name off the title. Well I guess this really made him angry, because when I suggested this I also mentioned that they told me he was behind a couple payments. He now says, he NEVER wants to speak to me or see me again. He called my some horrible names and told me he was getting an epo.
I dont know how this little thing set him off, after last night being so nice to me and telling me no one could compare to me.
Guys all I want right now is for us to be friends for our sons sake. It breaks my heart. I truly didnt expect this reaction from him.
I since learned also that today this lady that I mentioned earlier had spoken to him and they talked about painting a room in her house, my xh offered to paint for her, but I think she kinda blew it off. Not saying yes or no. Maybe he still has feelings for her and when I mentioned the truck it just set him off.
Is it possible he is taking out his anger on me instead of her? I guess he has to unleash from somebody. What do you think?

[brandnewday]

I don't think it is about control at all....

It has to do more with emotional detachment, on their part.

They have learned to "cut off" from their emotions, and don't want any of the tender moments, or things that would actually remind them of their love for us to cloud their MLC vision.

Sex becomes that, just sex. Just a physical thing without any intimacy.