I want to make sure I'm understanding. He expected you to know to take off your stiletto boots and tights in the limo? Or, is that just an example? It seems that he was wishing for you to match his excitement and passion when you saw him, just as he dreamt up. I'm sure you smiled and kissed him and were loving, right? Just the fact that you wore stiletto boots to greet him is showing him the goods. Why does it have to be all 9-and-a-half weeks? (That was meant to provide some comic relief. Not sure if you know that movie.)
I don't know, because I'm no expert, but it almost feels like abuse. It's as if he's telling you you're not good enough no matter what you do. And, you can't be a mind reader and guess what his next fantasy is. And then, you're sitting there left stunned and confused, even though you were totally innocent.
Is this something that you have discovered already? I'm sorry, I tried to find old posts for you, but I'm having trouble, so I can only educate myself from late '08 forward.
Oh, I am hurting for you.
My husband will be home soon, so I may not be able to post again until the morning. I'll try to sneak and check in before then, though.
I want to make sure I'm understanding. He expected you to know to take off your stiletto boots and tights in the limo? Or, is that just an example? It seems that he was wishing for you to match his excitement and passion when you saw him, just as he dreamt up. I'm sure you smiled and kissed him and were loving, right? Just the fact that you wore stiletto boots to greet him is showing him the goods. Why does it have to be all 9-and-a-half weeks? (That was meant to provide some comic relief. Not sure if you know that movie.)
You are funny girl. Have never seen the movie 9 1/2 weeks but I did LOL. I knew what you meant.
Ok well first of all yes !!!!!!!~!~! he expected me to take off my boots, tights and get luscious or it meant I did nit care.
He was mad then cause he is waiting and I never deliver the goods...... and we were in my tiny VW. Said to me... you let me down you always f^ck this up.
I don't know, because I'm no expert, but it almost feels like abuse. It's as if he's telling you you're not good enough no matter what you do. And, you can't be a mind reader and guess what his next fantasy is. And then, you're sitting there left stunned and confused, even though you were totally innocent.
Exactly how I felt stunned and confused and ready to cry. Like WTF? did I do?
Is this something that you have discovered already? Yes , but no one ever put it like you... that is exactly how I feel.
I'm sorry, I tried to find old posts for you, but I'm having trouble, so I can only educate myself from late '08 forward.
No worries, I feel ok , I am upset but know I will be ok.
Oh, I am hurting for you. Thanks love....
My husband will be home soon, so I may not be able to post again until the morning. I'll try to sneak and check in before then, though.
The things that he says to you. It makes me sad to hear that you are back at square one with him again. He is still too blinded by drink, blinded by anger to see the love that is there for him if he will just open his eyes.
I know you have compared me with him many times but I have never spoken that way to my W. I can't even imagine disrespecting her in that way. There is no respect from him Ali.
I know you love him so... but really Ali if he is demanding that you change when he is the one that is so screwed up right now. How can this work out for you and be right again until he is right within himself?
Remember when we thought he might have hit rock bottom months ago? I don't think he has hit the bottom yet. He may never bottom out. You deserve so much better than what he is throwing you. You are such a sweetheart, you really are.
The things that he says to you. It makes me sad to hear that you are back at square one with him again. He is still too blinded by drink, blinded by anger to see the love that is there for him if he will just open his eyes.
I know you have compared me with him many times but I have never spoken that way to my W. I can't even imagine disrespecting her in that way. There is no respect from him Ali.
I know you love him so... but really Ali if he is demanding that you change when he is the one that is so screwed up right now. How can this work out for you and be right again until he is right within himself?
Remember when we thought he might have hit rock bottom months ago? I don't think he has hit the bottom yet. He may never bottom out. You deserve so much better than what he is throwing you. You are such a sweetheart, you really are.
I will be praying extra hard for you Ali.
Cinco
I know... he is so full of hate it seems. he told me he is done with me and to never call him again. Thanks for the prayers Cinco.
Wow ... is this something else. I am grateful for you all and your support. He .... I will explain in the morning. He has not hit bottom? But guess what Cinco , he knows I am serious @ respect.
I pray it is not a cycle again. He listens and sounds like the man I love and then boom he goes nuts again.????????? He is holding on so hard to his story and his hurt that his knuckles are white. And me for a change? I am holding onto myself/ And that I am beautiful and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
Wow ... is this something else. I am grateful for you all and your support. He .... I will explain in the morning. He has not hit bottom? But guess what Cinco , he knows I am serious @ respect.
I pray it is not a cycle again. He listens and sounds like the man I love and then boom he goes nuts again.????????? He is holding on so hard to his story and his hurt that his knuckles are white. And me for a change? I am holding onto myself/ And that I am beautiful and deserve to be treated with love and respect.
It really sounds like an abuse cycle, Ali. He lashes out, telling you that your bad, tells you he's "done with you" to make you fear him leaving you, and then feels bad about it and himself.
Abuse is never OK. Never ever. No matter what life handed him or what his story is. He must really feel rotten about himself.
You are beautiful and deserve to be treated with love and respect, free from abuse.
It really sounds like an abuse cycle, Ali. He lashes out, telling you that your bad, tells you he's "done with you" to make you fear him leaving you, and then feels bad about it and himself.
Abuse is never OK. Never ever. No matter what life handed him or what his story is. He must really feel rotten about himself.
You are beautiful and deserve to be treated with love and respect, free from abuse.
Love, Lucky
I know for sure it is an abuse cycle. I also know for sure that I am ok. He escalates the calmer and more serene I am ? Weird? Yesterday when I was setting a new boundary?
DO NOT SWEAR AND DO NOT CALL ME NAMES ( for the 100,0000,0000+ time? and said I am going to let you go , TTYL K?
He blew up?
WE talked for a long time last nite. I am not getting all hopeful @ his "behavior" anytime soon. He wants me to feel beautiufl and be sexual? It does not come so easy when you are told nasty words/ And then my LL for sure is 'WORDS'. IT cuts thru me.
The best part is I am allowing myself to not listen to his words. I asked him last nite if he thought I was sexy? And he said " h&ll yeah you are hot as hell."
I replied .. "HMM... well see just over the Winter Break? you told me in anger B*TCH , you aint sexy enough for me."
He stayed quiet. I di dtell him I am done being spoken to that way. I wont have it , I do not deserve to be spoken to that way. I have had enough. He agreed.
WE shall see.
And a MIracle occured. He asked me how to get rid of his anger, what he could do , that he was sick of always being angry. I used the example of leeting him go earlier and then he went ballistic. B?C his take on it was .. IS SHE LETS ME GO? SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK TO ME? WHY? WHAT DID I DO?
* i am doing The Work with Byron Katie and so I said this...
" Instead of believing all those negative thoughts... Ali is letting me go cause she doesnt care about me // not true Ali is so cold and heartless// not true She has better stuff to do so she is letting me go// not true either.
And then these are true or truer...
She is letting me go b/c she loves me and this conversation is going south. She is letting me go simply b/c she had nothing else to talk about.
He couldnt believe that the negative thoughts he has are keeping him locked in anger and self loathing.
I did not mention the self loathing.
"So if i just stop believing the negative stuff , I will get better?" he asked?
"Yes... it pops in your head and you believe it w/o a doubt. It doesnt make it true b/c it pops in your head. You are letting your negative thought and anger rule your life XXXXXX."
I could believe every time the thought pops in my head of you being rude and saying. Ali you arent sexy.
It isnt true, I am sexy. But if I believe you were telling the truth and not just being ruled by anger then I can walk around hurt and feeling sorry for myself.
I also told him,,,
There is no way for this /us /you to get better when you are stuck in the past.
I honestly think he heard.
So I know he wont ask me for a book anytime soon. But I do knwo that I have to be true to myself and if and when he acts abusively.. I will not just sit there and take it.
If it means he walks then he walks. I love him , but not who he has become over the years. he is very bitter.
Thanks Cinco , Lucky and OT. Are you sure you werent praying for my H not to be so stubborn and listen? Love ya Cinco.
I think the more I see the beauty that is me the more he is forced to change and he doesnt like it. I told him ... you want me back? * The *ME* you all know here.* Then you have to change,,, your behavior is unacceptable.
Love, Ali
I know in my heart this will take another year of work. I just do. he has a lot of crap to get thru. I do too, I feel like throwing in the towel a lot lately , even with all the love I feel for him. I need to see he this is moving... I am healing . I get very frustrated with him. This has been going on far too long. This love I feel for myself has to grow.
I also know that I *HAVE* to work on being assertive.
I have old tapes running ( FOO and my ethnic background ) that say sacrifice your integrity to keep the peace . Hispanic Women who have suffered with H far worse than mine. Are revered??
I want to keep my integrity and also have peace. I need to stand up for myself. I just fail at least 75% of the time.
Wow! You got him to open his ears, Ali. That is just scratching the surface, though. He has got to work at this. If not a book, I think there must be something. He can't just magically "work" without taking in any information or advice or messages. No one is that powerful. Maybe he hates reading. Maybe there are tapes or something that he could listen to in short timeframes over time to help him stay focused and aware of his anger and why it is there. You are his angel.
Are there any men in your community of friends that are respectful, good men that he hangs out with? I think who we choose to spend time with affects our growth so much. I know about the horrible bar people from your previous posts. Is there anyone in your family that can influence him?
You MUST keep your integrity, so that you can keep looking at yourself and seeing beauty. Don't go backward-Stay the course!
