Coming from you, my friend, I will take that as high praise that I am making progress in disengaging and detaching from XW.
I'm taking to posting here more often as my online journal, which is therapeutic for me; healing in a free, self-serving sort of way. Plus, having good friends here to poke fun at my way of 'doing things' is helpful to me; adds some fun and smiles to my sitch for me.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Saw XW this PM for a moment. Pleasant short conversation. Nothing to convey. I continue to emotionally detach from my 'drug of choice', my XW. It's true, the detaching isn't an action, it's simply an evolving feeling (for me any way) from behaviorally disengaging. My disengaging is allowing me to place less importance on XW and what she does or doesn't do, allowing me the freedom to stop placing expectations on her, and subsequently being angry with her. As frank_D told me, my NOT letting her go makes me a ****! He was right. I see that now. I also see that my XW and I will never reconcile unless I let go. By letting go, XW at least has the opportunity to see the reality of D and what she has made of her personal life. I realize that she may decide that she is happy with her choices. That's her business and I have to be fine with that. I choose to be happy. I also realize that she may take a long, hard look at her personal life today and what she sacrificed to have her life the way it is now, and decide that she gave up too much to have a life of running and searching instead. At this point, she may decide to approach me to ask me about the possibility of working on reconciling. I have to be fine with that too. I choose to be happy. This last possibility is a scary proposition. I have been working on improving myself for 3 years. The prospect of beginning to work on reconciliation with someone who hasn't changed one bit since we split is anxiety provoking.
Well, that's a bridge to cross later, huh? I do know that playing the scenario over in my mind, along with my answer, will help me to to respond as though I was expecting XW's change of heart and allow me to deliver my answer in a lucid, calm, thoughtful way. I do believe that I will want to work on reconciling with XW despite all of my hurt, but I have heard of some DBers who chose to 'date' their EX for a considerable period of time out of the fear of being hurt again, plus allowing enough time to pass to see if their EX will display consistent behavior over time to engender their trust.
I'll see soon enough. Right now I am focused on me and NOT on her whims. As frank_D told me when my sitch began, as long as I continue improving myself, she will eventually want to be more a part of my world and THEN I will have the opportunity to decide if she will 'add' to my life or 'subtract' from it like she has in the past.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Tonight my children went home with their mother. After three years, this still breaks my heart. I am still trying to come to grips with the fact that XW and I couldn't resolve our differences and personal issues to build a better marriage and make a whole home for our children. The good news is that when I called XW to say goodnight to my children, she actually told them about it and my D8 called me back.
As I've said, I've begun the process of disengaging from my XW behaviorally and I am noticing changes in the amount of 'pull' XW has over me emotionally. With these changes, my confusion is setting in along with my sadness. I understand that if I am ever to reconcile with my XW, that I am on the right path, but it really does suck, as I have stripped away my illusion of a comfort zone by pulling back.
I know that the effort that I used to spend pining away for my XW must now be re-directed to productive efforts to improve myself. I am trusting that all of the emotional turmoil will settle down as I focus on me and my children. I sure hope so. Letting go is sure an emotional process.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
When I don't have my children in the evening, I set my alarm for 7:20 and 7:30 to be able to say good morning to them on D8's way to school. This morning, I missed a call at 7:17 from XW. I called back at 7:21, but no answer until 7:55. XW texts me to say they are running late and she'll call me back. D8 calls me back on the way to school and then hangs up. I call XW back to ask her why I received a call at 7:17. Her response, "It doesn't matter." I ask, "MY question doesn't matter?" XW, "I can't remember." Me, "Was it you who called or Abby?" XW, "I'll see you when I drop S3 off." Me, "What are you so angry about?" XW, "I'm not. I'll see you later. I gotta go."
I have concerns about her. I am confident that her call at 7:17 was to ask me to drive over there and get D8 up and ready and then drive her to school. Thank goodness I set my alarm time back by 5 minutes and didn't have my phone near my bed like I usually do. But then again, it really wouldn't have mattered because I am disengaging behaviorally and I would have simply told her politely, but firmly, to get out of bed, get d8 up and ready and take her to school. D8's school is 5 minutes from XW's home. I live 20-25 minutes from XW, but that fact hasn't stopped her in the past from calling me in the early AM to do exactly this. And me, like the wuss I have been, would always get out of bed, rush over there, get my D8 ready, and take her to school. Of course, me doing all of this benefited my D8 by getting her to school on time, but it also had the added benefit for me of feeling 'needed' by my XW. Sick, twisted thinking regarding my feelings towards XW, I know. In reality, I do realize that XW is simply lazy sometimes and asking me to do things for her is a surefire way of manipulating me to do what she wants me to do without being required to say she need anything from me. The good news is, I am making progress in disengaging, and because of that, my detaching is progressing as well.
As I said last night though, I am confused about MY feelings regarding XW as I start to move emotionally away. Confusion isn't a bad thing right now, it's just different. I wonder more about how my feelings for XW are going to be as we move forward. I have never previously had any doubts about what my feelings are going to be if and when she should decide that she has a desire for the opportunity to reconcile.
DBing has gotten tougher emotionally because I have focused more on myself rather than on my XW. As I've looked at myself, I continue to find aspects of my personality that need improvement. I'm pleased with the progress that I've made thus far. The one crucial part of my sitch that I don't have control over is my XW. I do have the ability to influence her in my sitch, but control her, NO. As I've said, my confusion right now is an added kick in the backside.
Life has problems. I know that when I no longer have challenges in my life, I'll be taking a long dirt nap, and I don't plan on doing that any time in the near future. Yep, yep. I wish me well in my DBing efforts, including my disengaging and detaching. Today, I hope all of my efforts, both good and bad, prove fruitful because I know that my efforts have kept my sitch alive and still keeping hope alive. I could have killed our possibility of reconciling a long time ago, but I didn't. XW is important to me. Reconciling my M is also. We'll have to have a different dynamic in a new M, but the old dynamic in the old M didn't work out too well, now did it?
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
Following along... Just wanted to pop in for a minute to let you know someone is listening...
I used to feel the same about having to run over and pick up my D15 when it seemed like I was just being used. But then I heard a preacher give a message about one of his daughters. He had a large glass bowl in which he filled with marbles - one for every week until his daughter was 18(basically when she could be 'gone' if she wanted to). Every week he took one out. Kind of reminded him of how short the time with her was.
My D is 15 and just got her driver permit. At 16, she's 'gone'. Do you think she's going to call me to take her shopping? To the Movies to meet her friends? I doubt it. She will be driving herself. I will miss those times, and they're escaping quickly. I've realized this so I drop anything not critical in my life to give her a ride. And I'm not being 'used', in fact I am disappointed when I don't get the call. It's all in your perspective. If you are acting true to your family's best interest, then you know you have done the right thing, no matter if it looks like you're being 'used' or not.
Ok. I have to say something. I'm not much of an advocate of violence so instead of a 2 x 4 I'm going to use a nerf bat. So put on your nerf helmet. Still, I've been reading your posts for awhile and they are very helpful and informative, but if you portray yourself to your x anything close to how you come across in your posts you r coming off way too needy. Listen to Frank and chill man! You can tell yourself that your detaching tell yr blue in the face, but at some point u have to walk the walk. I can tell u r a nice guy. Yr ex knows u r too. Now show her yr a strong, confident SOB that doesnt need her in his life. Want is a different story, but not need. Codependence Bad. Self-confidence Good ;-) It all goes back to the original cat and mouse game u 2 played. She doesnt want to chase u because yr always there. Bob n weave brotha. Yr too available. Yr post r filled w what yr going to do if she comes bck. Comes bck? Yr D'd. She's gone. At least the old one is. The aliens came and grabbed her. Along w mine. Her harddrive was formated. The files r gone. Now that u got tht settled. Move on and rebuild. Your always going to b in eachothers lives because of the kids. Dont tell her u've changed show her. I really hope that u r not interacting w her like u r in these posts. Show her u dont need her to survive. U can want her but not need her. Now dont get me wrong. I am partly writing this as a journal for myself so I can completely detach as well. I still have major pains from my sitch but I know tht mine is gone. And I've reached a point where I accept that and am almost happy about it. Yeah it wasnt what we had all planned or envisioned but would we have done the work and self-exploration that we have done if not for this traumative experience? I know I wouldnt have. I would have still been living in the matrix not having a clue what I really needed or wanted. Unfortunately, sometimes it just wasnt meant to b. In my sitch, I married a closet narcissist that waited until the going got tough to run instead of fight. It does take 2. You cant force someone to love u no matter how hard u try. Believe me. I db'd for the last 2 years until I passed out but once they make up their mind for some that's it. Done! Like mine. Came out of no where 2 years ago. Wanted sep. never mentioned why never mentioned Divorce. Just I cant take it! I said take what. We hardly fought. She just felt trapped for whatever reason. Like u said. We cant let them define us. I thought I was a failure because we failed. Eventually u realize its not all about u. Sometimes it just happens. No rhyme or reason. Everything does happen for a reason. Whatever God see's on that tapestry from above I still can't make heads or tails of it from below. My advice if any from what I learned is to just let go. Dont talk abt letting go. JUST DO IT!!! Sound familiar. Part of letting go will come from forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them for giving up. Forgive them for they dont know what they r doing. The best definition of forgiviness that I found that helped me let go was realizing u cant change the past. Forgiving her was really hard. Why should I forgive her? How could I after she walked away from her marriage, commitment, family??? You know why? Because u need to forgive for yourself so u can let go. I read somewhere on here a great quote about resentment "resentment is like u drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die". Ever time I got angry at the thought of what she did, where I was at now. What had happened I was just poisoning myself. Poisoning who I was. Classic projection my friend. Self projection! LOL! She thought I was controlling by wanted to talk about our R or whatever. yet I, YOU are being controlled by them, well really by ourselves by not letting go. Anyway, u know what u have to do. For your kids, for yourself, for any hope of a future w yr ex. Drop the rope. Throw it as far as u can. It's just leads to despair and pain of the past. Embrace today. Be happy to be alive! Be happy that u have begun a journey that less then 10% of the ppl on this planet could even comprehend. Forget about climbing to the top of Mt Everest. Try climbing up the mountain of your soul. Who am I really? What do I need and want? Why am I so co-dependent? Why to I fall for the illusion of having control? Why? Why? Figure those things out and u might not even want yr ex in yr life anymore. U might determine u deserve more. Who knows. I wish u the best on yr journey my friend. JUST DO IT!!! I will keep on following yr story. You have gained a lot of wisdom on yr journey. Keep it up!
Ok. I have to say something. I'm not much of an advocate of violence so instead of a 2 x 4 I'm going to use a nerf bat. So put on your nerf helmet.
Still, I've been reading your posts for awhile and they are very helpful and informative, but if you portray yourself to your x anything close to how you come across in your posts you r coming off way too needy. Listen to Frank and chill man! You can tell yourself that your detaching tell yr blue in the face, but at some point u have to walk the walk.
I can tell u r a nice guy. Yr ex knows u r too. Now show her yr a strong, confident SOB that doesnt need her in his life. Want is a different story, but not need. Codependence Bad. Self-confidence Good ;-)
It all goes back to the original cat and mouse game u 2 played. She doesnt want to chase u because yr always there. Bob n weave brotha. Yr too available. Yr post r filled w what yr going to do if she comes bck. Comes bck? Yr D'd. She's gone. At least the old one is. The aliens came and grabbed her. Along w mine. Her harddrive was formated. The files r gone. Now that u got tht settled. Move on and rebuild. Your always going to b in eachothers lives because of the kids.
Dont tell her u've changed show her. I really hope that u r not interacting w her like u r in these posts. Show her u dont need her to survive. U can want her but not need her. Now dont get me wrong. I am partly writing this as a journal for myself so I can completely detach as well.
I still have major pains from my sitch but I know tht mine is gone. And I've reached a point where I accept that and am almost happy about it. Yeah it wasnt what we had all planned or envisioned but would we have done the work and self-exploration that we have done if not for this traumatic experience? I know I wouldnt have.
I would have still been living in the matrix not having a clue what I really needed or wanted. Unfortunately, sometimes it just wasnt meant to b. In my sitch, I married a closet narcissist that waited until the going got tough to run instead of fight. It does take 2.
You cant force someone to love u no matter how hard u try. Believe me. I db'd for the last 2 years until I passed out but once they make up their mind for some that's it. Done! Like mine. Came out of no where 2 years ago. Wanted sep. never mentioned why never mentioned Divorce. Just I cant take it! I said take what. We hardly fought. She just felt trapped for whatever reason.
Like u said. We cant let them define us. I thought I was a failure because we failed. Eventually u realize its not all about u. Sometimes it just happens. No rhyme or reason. Everything does happen for a reason. Whatever God see's on that tapestry from above I still can't make heads or tails of it from below.
My advice if any from what I learned is to just let go. Dont talk abt letting go. JUST DO IT!!!
Sound familiar. Part of letting go will come from forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them for giving up. Forgive them for they dont know what they r doing. The best definition of forgiviness that I found that helped me let go was realizing u cant change the past.
Forgiving her was really hard. Why should I forgive her? How could I after she walked away from her marriage, commitment, family??? You know why? Because u need to forgive for yourself so u can let go. I read somewhere on here a great quote about resentment "resentment is like u drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die".
Ever time I got angry at the thought of what she did, where I was at now. What had happened I was just poisoning myself. Poisoning who I was. Classic projection my friend. Self projection! LOL!
She thought I was controlling by wanted to talk about our R or whatever. yet I, YOU are being controlled by them, well really by ourselves by not letting go. Anyway, u know what u have to do. For your kids, for yourself, for any hope of a future w yr ex. Drop the rope. Throw it as far as u can. It's just leads to despair and pain of the past.
Embrace today. Be happy to be alive! Be happy that u have begun a journey that less then 10% of the ppl on this planet could even comprehend. Forget about climbing to the top of Mt Everest. Try climbing up the mountain of your soul. Who am I really? What do I need and want? Why am I so co-dependent? Why to I fall for the illusion of having control? Why? Why?
Figure those things out and u might not even want yr ex in yr life anymore. U might determine u deserve more. Who knows. I wish u the best on yr journey my friend. JUST DO IT!!! I will keep on following yr story. You have gained a lot of wisdom on yr journey. Keep it up!
