Ok. I have to say something. I'm not much of an advocate of violence so instead of a 2 x 4 I'm going to use a nerf bat. So put on your nerf helmet.
Still, I've been reading your posts for awhile and they are very helpful and informative, but if you portray yourself to your x anything close to how you come across in your posts you r coming off way too needy. Listen to Frank and chill man! You can tell yourself that your detaching tell yr blue in the face, but at some point u have to walk the walk.
I can tell u r a nice guy. Yr ex knows u r too. Now show her yr a strong, confident SOB that doesnt need her in his life. Want is a different story, but not need. Codependence Bad. Self-confidence Good ;-)
It all goes back to the original cat and mouse game u 2 played. She doesnt want to chase u because yr always there. Bob n weave brotha. Yr too available. Yr post r filled w what yr going to do if she comes bck. Comes bck? Yr D'd. She's gone. At least the old one is. The aliens came and grabbed her. Along w mine. Her harddrive was formated. The files r gone. Now that u got tht settled. Move on and rebuild. Your always going to b in eachothers lives because of the kids.
Dont tell her u've changed show her. I really hope that u r not interacting w her like u r in these posts. Show her u dont need her to survive. U can want her but not need her. Now dont get me wrong. I am partly writing this as a journal for myself so I can completely detach as well.
I still have major pains from my sitch but I know tht mine is gone. And I've reached a point where I accept that and am almost happy about it. Yeah it wasnt what we had all planned or envisioned but would we have done the work and self-exploration that we have done if not for this traumatic experience? I know I wouldnt have.
I would have still been living in the matrix not having a clue what I really needed or wanted. Unfortunately, sometimes it just wasnt meant to b. In my sitch, I married a closet narcissist that waited until the going got tough to run instead of fight. It does take 2.
You cant force someone to love u no matter how hard u try. Believe me. I db'd for the last 2 years until I passed out but once they make up their mind for some that's it. Done! Like mine. Came out of no where 2 years ago. Wanted sep. never mentioned why never mentioned Divorce. Just I cant take it! I said take what. We hardly fought. She just felt trapped for whatever reason.
Like u said. We cant let them define us. I thought I was a failure because we failed. Eventually u realize its not all about u. Sometimes it just happens. No rhyme or reason. Everything does happen for a reason. Whatever God see's on that tapestry from above I still can't make heads or tails of it from below.
My advice if any from what I learned is to just let go. Dont talk abt letting go. JUST DO IT!!!
Sound familiar. Part of letting go will come from forgiveness. Forgive yourself. Forgive them for giving up. Forgive them for they dont know what they r doing. The best definition of forgiviness that I found that helped me let go was realizing u cant change the past.
Forgiving her was really hard. Why should I forgive her? How could I after she walked away from her marriage, commitment, family??? You know why? Because u need to forgive for yourself so u can let go. I read somewhere on here a great quote about resentment "resentment is like u drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die".
Ever time I got angry at the thought of what she did, where I was at now. What had happened I was just poisoning myself. Poisoning who I was. Classic projection my friend. Self projection! LOL!
She thought I was controlling by wanted to talk about our R or whatever. yet I, YOU are being controlled by them, well really by ourselves by not letting go. Anyway, u know what u have to do. For your kids, for yourself, for any hope of a future w yr ex. Drop the rope. Throw it as far as u can. It's just leads to despair and pain of the past.
Embrace today. Be happy to be alive! Be happy that u have begun a journey that less then 10% of the ppl on this planet could even comprehend. Forget about climbing to the top of Mt Everest. Try climbing up the mountain of your soul. Who am I really? What do I need and want? Why am I so co-dependent? Why to I fall for the illusion of having control? Why? Why?
Figure those things out and u might not even want yr ex in yr life anymore. U might determine u deserve more. Who knows. I wish u the best on yr journey my friend. JUST DO IT!!! I will keep on following yr story. You have gained a lot of wisdom on yr journey. Keep it up!
