How do I communicate this problem to wife?

[RJRJR]

I am in a similar position as Unadjusted. My post is elsewhere in this forum. We've been married 10 years, but the last three have been terrible for me because of kids, pregnancies and a miscarriage. She checked out with our 3rd child and devoted her attention to him more than she did with the others. Now we have a 4th (I never intended us to get pregnant, at least not when we did).

I have given a lot of thought to my situation, and my wife and I have talked about it after I brought the subject up. I have also done a lot of reading, including SSM. Fundamentally for me, this is about her not noticing that I have a need and her not having any interest in doing anything about my needs. I understand that my wife was uncomfortable during her pregnancies; I understand my wife hurt emotionally after her miscarriage; I understand she's busy/tired/etc. with a new baby. But to ignore her husband of 10 years, to not think he might have a need and she might have what it takes to meet that need, to not explore other alternatives when she can't/isn't in the mood for sex, to not respond to my requests for time together, whether sex is involved or not, to not respond to my efforts to cuddle or spend time with her -- I have a hard time with all of this. I feel like when I do something for her (housework, caring for baby), she is taking advantage of me. How is it that I'm expected to meet her needs but she is not expected to meet mine? BTW, she doesn't work outside the home. I do, and my job can be very mentally demanding. It's hard for me to just jump into the fray at home and do everything she didn't want to/couldn't do during the day.

The SSM book has a line to women cautioning them not to get so wrapped up with a new baby that they ignore their husbands; but I don't see any guidance to the H for when W does this.

I have finally stopped pursuing her and in my mind "moved on." I was the HD spouse; now I'm no-D. I don't have any interest in touching, cuddling, etc. because I feel emotionally hurt and don't trust her emotionally anymore.

I have been pursuing my own interests/hobbies, taking care of myself first and trying to spend more time with our other kids. Since I've only been doing this for a short time now, perhaps after I've been at it longer my perspective and things in our marriage will change. I am having a hard time getting access to the new baby, though. She keeps the baby close most of the time when I'm home. This has been the biggest problem in our marriage - she won't make room for us. So now I generally leave that area of the house and go about my own business. I don't initiate any conversation or touch. When I do, I'm ignored. I figure, if she doesn't want it, I won't waste my energy giving it. Although I feel somewhat better, I feel like we are leading separate lives with separate goals. It really hurts and it's very dysfunctional.

I'd like to think it will get better someday, but given that we've already talked about it and she hasn't made any changes, I don't know. I'm just kind of figuring it will be this way til the baby is weaned 18 months or so from now. But assuming she does come around, one thing is for sure, our marriage will never be the same. And when/if she decides to check back into the marriage, there are no guarantees she find the same man that she had when she checked out. I have already felt that things have changed so much between us that I don't like having her in bed anymore (she slept on the sofa during most of the last pregnancy and still does this now that baby's here - never could get a straight answer why). When she has come back to bed after baby was born, I found I had no interest in reaching for her like I did before the pregnancy. I don't know where any of this is leading.