There has to be some middle ground between "will this draw her closer or push her away" and "you cheated on me and wounded my ego/you're an evil bitch/I have rights too".
It's called personal boundaries, or if you prefer, integrity.
I believe one should act according to one's ethical lights and not merely based on the expediency of desired outcome (which is a cheeseless tunnel anyhow, since us poor non-psychic saps aren't going to even guess right on how a spouse will react a lot of the time).
The tricky part is sorting out which actions spring from personal integrity versus which actions are emotional reactivity/vengeful lashing out.
The 48 hour rule is a good one.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
