Veronica, I think you're right...I'm now at five days of feeling better...and will continue to see how it goes...Some emotions may sneak up on me in the next few days/weeks/months, but I will get through just as I did this past week. Thanks.
Coach, I owe you more than I could say - your post opened my eyes in a profound, life-changing way. No matter what comes of my situation I am committed to paying it forward as best I can. Thanks for checking in on me.
Carlos I love this post...(just copy it in my notes) I just wish I could have read this early last year.... And again without my current crisis, I won't keep growing as much as a person.
Thanks for the great post.....it really lifts me up.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I think she's starting to feel just how detached I am, and that I am pulling away...normally when she picks up S2 - she avoids contact with me as though I were a leper (the old-school contagious by touch kind) - and looks down in order to avoid any and all eye contact with me...today...she touched my fingers with her hands as I handed her our baby - and it kind of bothered me...she then followed that up with a moment of fixed eye contact...which also left me feeling kind of removed...I just don't want to get lured into anything by her...and so I will acknowledge those two little details - but make nothing more of them other than to say that they were noticed...
Other than that, I'm feeling very good and very positive about many things. I've decided to move in March - and am looking forward to that - and today I spent some time reviving some old networking connections that I had allowed to lapse. I've got a lot of different writing projects in the work (not the paid kind - more of the, gee, wouldn't it be great if this spec script sells kind...but writing things like that has always made me happy).
Things I look forward to: less contact with her parents (especially her father), a calm, peaceful home for my kids, more work that I want to do, a smaller place that's easier for me to take care of on my own - and which should also give me more time. One thing I've found about the house I live in now is that, despite it's size, it has no center, no harmony, and I have had a hard time finding a "writing space" in it...even the office wasn't that conducive to writing...which disappointed me...so I have some things in mind in terms of the place we move into in March.
As the positives build, and I do more of the GAL/PMA thing, I also realize just how much I had allowed myself to be defined, delimited, and demoralized by someone - it was as though, by loving her I had given over all my power of self esteem to her...and that's just not healthy for anyone...so I'm finding myself again...learning to love who I am in a healthy, more honest way - and making sure that I continue to work on those things that I don't like/love so much about myself. (a big thanks to you, Coach, for your post about loving yourself - and how it is not arrogant or selfish to do so with honesty and integrity).
As I continue to work on myself and repair my broken heart and other fragile parts (I have a T-shirt that says "fragile" on it - inspired by a song by the Editors...but most people have no idea who they are...so to strangers it just means I'm fragile...which gives me a bit of a chuckle in a warped kind of way). So the work continues - and I will not stop looking at my life and my situation and learning from it - and I will not back away from the challenges because of fear...if I feel any fear in me these days, I know it's an area where I need work...so fear is now more of a sign post than an obstacle.
And so I continue to learn...I' sure to make more mistakes, but at least they wont' be careless anymore.
I just started to read Hold on to Your N.U.T.s. It is the most fantastic book on what it mean to be a man. Another poster turned me on to it. Some of us men became needy and a wuss in our marriages and that is what contributed to our W's falling out of love. This book shows some of us DAM what women realy want. Unfortunatly I did not have a great role model as a boy growing up. This book is helping me get ride of boy emotions and reactions and helping me be the man that my W wanted.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
Hey Whitney - thanks for reminding me about that book - I had been reading to check it out myself to see what it's about. Other people had recommended it on here as well - though I've not read it yet.
One thing I want to say, though, is that you should be the man you want to be - when being that man coincides with the type of man your partner wants - then it seems like things can be a lot healthier.
How are you doing otherwise- just in terms of you - not your W...
Well, thanks for the follow-up. I have to tell you that book has helped me tremendously. It has helped me emotionally to silence some the "boy" emotions in me. I think it's also helping me not be effected as much by my W. I am working on getting my career back on track which is a key piece to all this growth. I do want to do something of value now, something I am proud of, something that my kids are proud of.
I did something that may have been off the DB principles. I asked my wife if she wanted to go skating. She said that would be fun to do with the kids. So we are going to do that this Saturday. I am working on being strong and just focussing on the fact we are going out skating. I want to make sure I am myself and that I have no expectations. I wish she had of asked me but the fact of the matter is I decided to be a "man" about it and to do what I wanted to do regardless of her response.
So, this "hour" I am feeling better but as we all know this can change by next hour.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
WP - Do what works - 180s are not the same for all of us - but what it true about 180s- is that they are done for ourselves first - healthy 180s help us strengthen ourselves - and put us out of our shells so that we have to see ourselves differently to some extent. While it may be slightly against the idea of not pursuing - it seems like your stepping up and asking her is something of a 180 for you - now it's just important to maintain that sense of self while with her - don't cling, don't pursue, be independent in her presence.
Feeling do change hour by hour, day by day...but we can continue to grow through all those changes...even as we mourn or feel like we're falling apart - we are growing and getting stronger...just so long as we don't regress - and so long as we don't back down to the fears that try to stop us from the hardest work we have to do on ourselves...
As I continue to work on myself and repair my broken heart and other fragile parts (I have a T-shirt that says "fragile" on it - inspired by a song by the Editors...but most people have no idea who they are...so to strangers it just means I'm fragile...which gives me a bit of a chuckle in a warped kind of way).
Carlos,
I like the idea of an inside joke. Particularly one with a nice double meaning for the insiders. Very cool way to look at your t-shirt.
Originally Posted By: healthydad
So the work continues - and I will not stop looking at my life and my situation and learning from it - and I will not back away from the challenges because of fear...if I feel any fear in me these days, I know it's an area where I need work...so fear is now more of a sign post than an obstacle.
Brilliant! Print this and keep it where you can see it. Well said.
You just prompted me to reread what I had written...thank you for that...since it was a good reminder to myself that when we listen to ourselves, really listen, we sometimes hear more than just the emotions that frighten us...we hear the messages that our core selves are trying to convey through the pain...
Welcome back, VV...not just back to DB...but into yourself...
