My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

When do you plan to sleep in your own bed again?

[Vdad]

Pup,

Not sure. Taking it day by day. Can you give me a quick run down on you sitch and how it played out/playing out? I've gone through your threads but I can't really tell where you are right now.

Maybe a brief tour through where you started and where you are currently? That would be helpful for me if you wouldn't mind. Or point me to where I can zero in on your journey..

I know I need to distance myself right now. She has to feel the detachment. Hard to do in the same house.

Thanks for hanging in there with me..

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Vancouver,

I will try to do that when I have some time. Right now I'm slammed. I will tell you however that for awhile during my wife's affair it was ME who moved out of our bed and onto the couch, and the night I took it back was a real moral victory for me (she went to sleep upstairs on the floor in a sleeping bag in our daughter's old bedroom). EVERYONE told me to get back in that bed, and they were right!!!

We're doing OK now -- still some loooong-term SSM issues, but there's been no repeat infidelity, she ended her A after only 3 months, and we're best friends again. We're going to go to a Retrouvaille weekend next month to try to help with the intimacy issues.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Pup,

Cool. I will give the bed issue some thought. As she is intent on a S as of our last convo 2 days ago. I need some detachment time to see where that is going as we are leaving our current home behind regardless. So as you can see it sets up the situation and there is no way to stay in the marital home.

The best I can do right now is to DB, detach and see if it has an effect. There is some time before a housing decision has to be made. I have all intel in place and will add Eblaster to laptop so she can't hide.

I have to keep assessing the will it push her away or draw her closer aspect of everything I do as my coach is telling me. However your advice is always in my mind.

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I have to keep assessing the will it push her away or draw her closer aspect of everything I do . . .

Personally, I've never accepted that premise. I think it often leads to appeasement. I can think of many examples where -- SHORT term -- you may "push someone away," but that LONG-term build strength, respect, and -- eventually -- newer, healthier love.

For women, especially, "love" is very much tied to "respect." I think it is a given that there are hundreds of things that men do that a woman might initially complain about, or even pull back from ("push her away"), that REALLY are building respect, and therefore -- LOVE ("draw her closer").

But that's just me. And the bed is but one of dozens of examples.

Puppy

[Mellenmack]

Puppy,

I have to ask this. Have you looked over at Cookie's latest thread in newcomers? She mentioned that she felt like her every move was being recorded and watched. She feels like she is under surveillance right now.

I know you believe in having intel and I agree with you. How long do you plan to keep the intel up? How long does your wife have to go before you decide enough is enough?

While you may be able to fairly judge how long your wife has to prove herself, there are other men (not saying VancouverDad at all...just putting this out there for everyone. Actually, Breakaway's H comes to mind as an example) who would never be willing to let this dog lie.

Meanwhile, look at Cookie. Look at what it is doing to her.

Thoughts?

Mel

[Vdad]

Pup,

I will discuss this with Joann today during coaching. She doesn't seem to have a problem with calling bluffs.. Stepped up "silent intel". She seems to have settled down after our convo. She is DEFINATLEY in withdrwal from the EA drug. I will watch this and wait. I am getting closer to being able to start laying down boundaries. BUt there is a cetain amount of limbo right now to contend with.

I will update after coaching.

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy,

I have to ask this. Have you looked over at Cookie's latest thread in newcomers? She mentioned that she felt like her every move was being recorded and watched. She feels like she is under surveillance right now.

I know you believe in having intel and I agree with you. How long do you plan to keep the intel up? How long does your wife have to go before you decide enough is enough?

While you may be able to fairly judge how long your wife has to prove herself, there are other men (not saying VancouverDad at all...just putting this out there for everyone. Actually, Breakaway's H comes to mind as an example) who would never be willing to let this dog lie.

Meanwhile, look at Cookie. Look at what it is doing to her.

Thoughts?

Mel

I should have clarified. We are no longer in formal transparency, although she is very good about letting me know her schedule, any OM sightings (he still comes into her gym, altho they never speak anymore and he even has a new GF), and all of her hours are accounted for. She has more than regained my trust.

As for any other posters' views on no-contact, transparency, exposure, etc., I no longer have the time nor the energy to debate them. There are two distinct views on this, and reasonable people can disagree. And mine are probably in a 40/60 or even 35/65 minority, although they are well represented by best-selling authors like Harley, Glass, and others.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Pup,

I will discuss this with Joann today during coaching. She doesn't seem to have a problem with calling bluffs.. Stepped up "silent intel". She seems to have settled down after our convo. She is DEFINATLEY in withdrwal from the EA drug. I will watch this and wait. I am getting closer to being able to start laying down boundaries. BUt there is a cetain amount of limbo right now to contend with.

I will update after coaching.

Jeff

VD,

If she is in hard withdrawal, give her plenty of love and support. You can validate without approving. I don't agree with things like "I'm sorry; you must be missing him terribly" (blccch!), but a "I hate to see you in pain," coupled with a nice hug, is great.

Withdrawal is NOT pretty, and even though I'd been warned it scared the hell out of me. It is why I'm such a NAZI about "no contact means no contact," and having a good no-contact/transparency plan in place. Because, emotionally and even physiologically, ANY new contact (even a negative one, believe it or not) will re-set the withdrawal clock back to "0:00" and she will have to start all over again.

Seeing the one you love go thru that, when she's TRYING to do the right thing here, was really painful to watch.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Pup,

No dagone way I would say I'm sorry your missing him. I have controlled my old USM rage tactics through, reason, understanding, and prayer through this. That would be way out of my range to even utter that.

The second response is definately workable. We aren't really having any real conversation anyway.

It is painful to watch. I was painful to go through even though now I feel completelt disgusted by the whole thing. It is soooo stupid and damaging to yourself and others to go there. She will at some point understand that.

We will see.

Jeff