When I don't have my children in the evening, I set my alarm for 7:20 and 7:30 to be able to say good morning to them on D8's way to school. This morning, I missed a call at 7:17 from XW. I called back at 7:21, but no answer until 7:55. XW texts me to say they are running late and she'll call me back. D8 calls me back on the way to school and then hangs up. I call XW back to ask her why I received a call at 7:17. Her response, "It doesn't matter." I ask, "MY question doesn't matter?" XW, "I can't remember." Me, "Was it you who called or Abby?" XW, "I'll see you when I drop S3 off." Me, "What are you so angry about?" XW, "I'm not. I'll see you later. I gotta go."
I have concerns about her. I am confident that her call at 7:17 was to ask me to drive over there and get D8 up and ready and then drive her to school. Thank goodness I set my alarm time back by 5 minutes and didn't have my phone near my bed like I usually do. But then again, it really wouldn't have mattered because I am disengaging behaviorally and I would have simply told her politely, but firmly, to get out of bed, get d8 up and ready and take her to school. D8's school is 5 minutes from XW's home. I live 20-25 minutes from XW, but that fact hasn't stopped her in the past from calling me in the early AM to do exactly this. And me, like the wuss I have been, would always get out of bed, rush over there, get my D8 ready, and take her to school. Of course, me doing all of this benefited my D8 by getting her to school on time, but it also had the added benefit for me of feeling 'needed' by my XW. Sick, twisted thinking regarding my feelings towards XW, I know. In reality, I do realize that XW is simply lazy sometimes and asking me to do things for her is a surefire way of manipulating me to do what she wants me to do without being required to say she need anything from me. The good news is, I am making progress in disengaging, and because of that, my detaching is progressing as well.
As I said last night though, I am confused about MY feelings regarding XW as I start to move emotionally away. Confusion isn't a bad thing right now, it's just different. I wonder more about how my feelings for XW are going to be as we move forward. I have never previously had any doubts about what my feelings are going to be if and when she should decide that she has a desire for the opportunity to reconcile.
DBing has gotten tougher emotionally because I have focused more on myself rather than on my XW. As I've looked at myself, I continue to find aspects of my personality that need improvement. I'm pleased with the progress that I've made thus far. The one crucial part of my sitch that I don't have control over is my XW. I do have the ability to influence her in my sitch, but control her, NO. As I've said, my confusion right now is an added kick in the backside.
Life has problems. I know that when I no longer have challenges in my life, I'll be taking a long dirt nap, and I don't plan on doing that any time in the near future. Yep, yep. I wish me well in my DBing efforts, including my disengaging and detaching. Today, I hope all of my efforts, both good and bad, prove fruitful because I know that my efforts have kept my sitch alive and still keeping hope alive. I could have killed our possibility of reconciling a long time ago, but I didn't. XW is important to me. Reconciling my M is also. We'll have to have a different dynamic in a new M, but the old dynamic in the old M didn't work out too well, now did it?
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
