WaitingPatiently- You are absolutely right that it is H's choice to keep cheating that is stopping reconciliation from happening. Guess I needed to see that in writing for it to sink in. I do need to set some boundaries. I guess I need to sit down and think of what boundaries I need to set and apply them.
H lies to me on a daily basis about phone calls to OW. They literally spend all day on the phone with each other. I have a way of seeing that without H knowing I can and it is not so much that I look to see IF he is talking with her (cause I know he is) but moreso to see if the lies are ever going to stop. And so far they are not. H does tell me he talks to OW but he says once or twice a day.....try 8-15.
It is intolerable for him to continue with this married skank and I am still going to let OW's H know about it.
Pooh,
This is not healthy for you. You NEED to set some boundaries -- for YOU, not necessarily to win your husband back (altho it usually does have the added bonus of making you appear stronger, and therefore, more attractive in the process).
The phone calls -- and the lies about them -- need to stop. They're killing your self-esteem. I suggest approaching him and saying something like "I know you're lying to me about how often you talk to her, and it needs to stop. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and to our family." When he tries to lie to you about it, just put up your hand in the "STOP" position and say, firmly "Stop it. We both know you're lying right now, so please just STOP IT. I can't control you having an affair, or even how often you talk to her, but I can certainly tell you that I am no longer willing to tolerate your deceit."
It's CONTROLLING to tell someone else what to do. It's BOUNDARY-SETTING to let them know what YOU are willing to put up with.
Each of us must decide for ourselves what our own Boundaries of Personal Integrity are. For me, it was:
1) No phoning or texting or chatting with OM from inside of our marital home. I cannot live in a marriage where I'm disrespected that way on a daily basis.
2) No phoning or texting OM in front of our children, from ANYWHERE. I cannot abide my children seeing their mother carry on an affair in front of them.
3) If you're going to stay out past midnight, don't bother coming home. I still need to work to support our family, and I can't sleep when you come home that late.
and then, eventually, I added a big #4:
NO MORE DECEIT. If you wanna continue to refuse to end your affair, that's your business, but no more will I tolerate you telling your parents and our adult children that "there's nothing going on," and that "Puppy is crazy!" when we both know that absolutely EVERYTHING I've told them is 100% TRUE.
