Quote: Is there something in the water supply here lately?
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
Quote: Do you feel you've laid all the necessary 'gound rules' for this re-cohabitation? I feel like I haven't, that we haven't REALLY cleared the air about alot of important things.
Much more so than I felt a month or two ago.
Quote: Are you worried about old demons raising thier ugly heads and causing problems? Do you feel strong enough in your current relationship with your H to broach any subject with him now?
I feel as if there's so much still UNSAID between H and I that I feel almost stiffled to bring some of it up...but I know that for my own peace of mind, I'll need to get some things on the table. NOT about OW necessarily, but about the things surrounding the As and the mindset that allowed them to happen etc...guess I need some reassurances that HE knows he will never make these same bad decisions again.
Yes, I'm very worried that we will slip into old patterns, especially when it comes to how we deal ( or rather don't deal with conflict.
I feel a lot of fear to bring subjects up that I want to talk about, but he's much less defensive and open now.
Yesterday, we spent several hours talking abouut the very thing you are concerned about--the circumstances that led up to the A to be able to happen again in the first place.
Basically what I understand now is that Wolfie had basically vowed at a very young age to NOT have a family and in no way intended to become a husband or father. That wasn't what happened in his life, so by the time he and I ). His plans after retiring from the military involved retraining in a career that he knew he could find a job nearly anywhere. He had planned to buy a sailboat and live a very solitary, transient lifestyle--working here or there for awhile, then moving on.
He didn't expect or intend to fall in love with a single mother who is a bit of a homebody & security freak, but he did and stayed that way.
It sound like he has been conflicted all of these years, because the need for solitude, adventure, travel, change, etc. has always been there. It's hard for me to hear, but he describes being a very self-centered person who was never truly committed to anyone or anything, including me or our family.
At this point, his work in counseling has been to--as he puts it--destroy that part of his personality that is prone to be extremely self-centered and not committed to anything. Also, they are working at ways for him to get some of the alone-time that he needs in a way that is not destructive.
One thing that this separation has done for him is to force a choice, and he has chosen to do whatever it takes to have what his heart wants...me and his family.
He was honest about the pre-conditions for him having an A are still there. I would love to hear otherwise, but I'm glad he's being honest with me.
All in all--I don't think I'd feel safe enough to recommit to this relationship if it weren't for him doing the work he's doing in individual and couple's counseling. I can accept that we are a work-in-progress, knowing that things can only get better because of the work we are both doing.
Your H may have had less garbage to sort through to get to the bottom line of wanting your M. Like a lot of guys, he may have had a real wake-up call and has made the necessary changes so that you can quit worrying so much.
I sure hope that reading the book together will help open some of those lines of communication that you want. It's a great start! Let him know that your motivation is to help your R heal, not just "recover".
