I question, sometimes, if I have more of a WAS, MLC, menopause, All the above, or, a W who is just finished with me. I hate to "drag" her through this along with me.
RE: menopause, or whatever her physical female issues are (prolapsed uterus, etc?), please don't disregard or take it lightly. Your W is 43, and that is a pretty ripe time to have a lot of female problems. Two pregnancies most likely add to the dynamics of her physical female health. I may be a bit sensitive to her issues since I am dealing with the same sort of things. I wish I had addressed it long ago and had the support of my H to do it.
Things really do change, such as being sensitive to a touch. Tenderness where it never existed before. Pain when it used to be pleasure. Honest.
Oprah has had recent shows for 'women over 35', and has a webcast Thursday night. Can you offer information to your W?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Hi WCW, I don't think I can make any references about this to her. I'm pretty sure she feels, that the reason she feels numb, is because of me. I'm pretty sure she doesn't understand why I am hanging in here when she feels there are no feelings left. As long as there has been no pressure, we're fine. I really think part of the reason she isn't wearing her ring is to demonstrate her separation from the marriage. (Severing the ties I guess) We still talk but, I think she believes time will take care of this sitch. (normal talk, not R talk) She doesn't show any reponse to the R. Avoidance is a better word. She is focused on the kids, her work, and exercising (treadmill walking). I've been trying to see what stage of MLC she might be in, I'm not that knowledgeable to determine it. I have been trying to reestablish myself by doing some small things at home. Other than helping around the house with chores, I set out her travel mug for coffee in the morning, and have started to kiss her goodbye (just a peck). I thought maybe this might show something. We'll see. Other than that, everyone I have talked with, family /friends, don't understand why this is happening. It is a bomb to everyone, she is keeping it to herself.
She doesn't know why she is feeling this way. She is in denial about the issue being inside of her. She is dealing with some very powerful emotions and she doesn't know why or how to handle them. It's common and much easier for her to place the blame on something external. It's almost always the spouse.
DO NOT waste your time trying to figure out what stage she is in. The themes may be common in MLC but each person and their MLC is different.
As soon as they hit stage 3 they will bounce all over the place. Like this: Stage 1 2 3 23334223344422234333343. Follow me? It's pointless to try and follow my friend.
I would say that you are somewhere in between ....1 and ? Who the hell knows, and honestly, If you look at it that way....and try to figure it out ? Wasting your time you could be using for yourself...
This is truly one day at a time my friend, ask Trapt about being on the wheel.
Now is not the time for you to be suggesting that HER PROBLEM is a female issue. Or any other issue for that matter. In fact you even presuming to address ANY of HER issues is a prescription for disaster. And at this point in your situation, it's not your business, as bad as that sounds.
As for her not understanding why you are hanging in there, well, that's irrelevant as well. Just as her business is not your concern, your business is not her concern. Just please, please, please do not be about TELLING her that you are hanging in there. As with all other relationship matters, leave it alone.
You are an undercover officer at this point. You are doing your best to continue to fit into her world, but no longer playing the role of loving and devoted husband. Because in this scenario right now, that would be like an undercover officer acting like a DEA agent to a bunch of drug lords. Not good for your health.
If you honestly think that she feels as though time will take care of your situation, I would think that would make it easier for you to allow time to do it's thing and leave this alone.
As for the stages, feel free to read. Usually knowledge is a good thing in the sense that it takes some of the shock out of what we're experiencing. But you should be warned, if you haven't been already, that trying to take what you read and use it to determine HOW FAR ALONG things are is inherently dangerous. It leads to expectations and high hopes which somehow seem to get dashed on a regular basis around here.
Knowledge is a good thing, but hoping for a nice and concrete timeline that you can hang your hopes on is a pipe dream.
Sounds like some of the little things you are doing are good steps to me, but only if they truly reflect CHANGES in your thinking and feeling. Don't put on a show here hoping for a good review. That's manipulation of a high degree and your wife, if she is truly in crisis mode right now, will smell manipulative bullshit a mile away.
And no, no one will understand why she is doing and saying all that she is. Because she has changed in a fundamental way. Your hope is that the change is not permanent, but only time will tell.
You need to continue working on finding YOUR way through this time, without hanging on every action and word from her. That way leads to madness. Survival here - and I'm talking YOUR personal emotional and physical survival - is the main key in hoping for a good resolution at some point. You will NOT convince her through words, and you will not convince her by simply "putting on" some good behaviors for awhile.
If your situation is like most, this is a combination of things going on in her and things that have deteriorated between the two of you over the years because of things you BOTH have done or not done.
You can't do a blessed thing about what's going on inside of her.
You can't do a blessed thing about fixing the things that SHE has done wrong over the years.
You CAN get busy checking yourself out, fixing the things that could/should have been better/different with you, and find your way to the strong, confident, and loving man you have the potential to be.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
