First, the info from SIL...VERY insightful, DOES fill a lot of blanks for sure. It IS amazing he's as good at R's as he is!
Strange, but it was CJ's SIL who filled in some very important blanks from his childhood for me, too.
NOW about your dream.
1) Does it in any way feel different from your earlier premonition dream? Were you actually THERE in the first one, or just an observer etc.
2) Can you link it up with any issues, feelings that might have come up, but were stuffed down/not dealt with the day or two before??
Now this is just a hypothesis...but is it possible that after finding out those sad details about Wolfie's childhood, that you might have had a glimmer of a feeling like
"He's too damaged...how can I expect him to ever have a normal R?...he'll never let down those walls...etc"
Now mind you, this would likely be a thought or feeling you pushed away or didn't process fully, thus it appears in such vivd, heartwrenching form in your dream. It's something your inner wisdom is MAKING you work through!
Opt : Didn't think I'd come across another Frank Herbert fan around here!
Tal : Please understand we're not trying to downplay the emotions you're experiencing from the dream. Just doing what little we can with mere words to help you work thru them as we can empathize with your struggle and are not as gifted as Shiny to delve into the deepest layers of the unconscious mind.
Hope as the day goes on you're feeling back on the upswing again...
Tal, First, your picture is beautiful. I'm amazed to see the photos of our BB friends. I look at the faces of the people on this board and see their outward beauty and then go on to 'hear' their pain....it's so damn sad.
I understand the pain and confusion associated with dreams...I have 'day dreams' like that sometimes that send me spiralling into depression. At times, it's even difficult to sort out what's real and what's imagined because they intertwine so often. I can also relate to needing to "hear" their voice sometimes, just to quiet the fears whirling around in our heads, only to get no answer on our call which further spins our imagination out.
This whole thing is a horrific web of flashbacks, fears and hopefilled dreams that constantly bump up against each other blurring the line between reality and imaginings. T2
Sorry to hear about the recent emotional landslide you have had to endure.
I understand that whole business of not knowing if it's a "lucid dream" or just your garden variety dream in which your mind is trying to process undigested, subterranean fears.
Sometimes, the line between the two...gets smudged. (((((((Tal)))))))
Yesterday was way too much drama, and I can only describe it as horrible & wonderful.
On my way home from work, S19 and his gf call and say they think they have just seen H driving with OW with him. They tried to follow, but lost the other car. They described OW in detail and the description was pretty close.
We decided to drive up to the town where OW lives and see if H was parked at her house. He wasn't. We watched for sometime,then the kids left. After awhile, I saw OW come out of the house then go back in so I left.
On the way home, I finally got ahold of H on the phone. I told him about my dream and what the kids thought they had seen. He said that he'd been on the phone with his own father for the last few hours. He wanted to come down and talk to the kids. I told him that they were VERY upset, and he shouldn't come down unless he was sure he could stay calm. I also told him I was worried that S19 would take a punch at him.
When I got home, S19 was yelling at me. He said he thought I was naive and gullible, and that I'd probably believe anything H said over my own kid's eyesight. He said he thought H was still cheating and would continue to do so and that I was a fool and was ruining my life. I tried to calm him down (the kid is rather excitable and prone to drama).
He came down and took S19 and gf outside, wanted them to look at his car because he thought they might remember something different. S19 was adamant, but his gf wasn't so sure. S24 and his gf showed up because his brother had called him and said we were having a big family problem.
We all sat down and talked and a real transformation happened. H opened up for the first time to the boys. The asked him a lot of questions and there were even some accusations, but H handled it well and they could see he was sincere. He called his father and asked him to tell S19 when they had been on the phone that day, and for how long (I'm sure gramps still is wondering what all THAT was about!).
In some ways, H and the boys really talked about problems that had been ongoing for many years between them. There was a lot of healing and compassion that went on between them and they were all three crying while the girls and I tried to support them. Even S19 dropped his cynical-don't-trust-nobody-tough-guy routine and talked about how much he loved H and how hurt he had been at H's betrayal. He talked about how much he had missed him and said we all needed H to come home. H said he was all packed up and asked if S19 would help him move everything so he could come home.
The boys talked about how they have seen H and I spending time together & knew we were going to counseling, but they also felt hurt and neglected because we've been very focused on each other and they felt that we needed to begin healing and rebuilding as a family. I told them that I agreed, but that H & I also realized that part of what got us into trouble was that we had been too child-centered over the years. We were parents together, but had neglected our own relationship and were having to reconnect all over again.
After awhile, the older son and his girlfriend went home and the younger girlfriend & I went to bed. S19 and H stayed up talking until late.
P.S. I guess I really can trust my gut instinct. Dispite my dream, and dispite what S19 thought he saw, that was what I relied on.
When S19 told he he thought that equaled denial, his gf said she understood. She said that she could sense when something was wrong or going on with HIM and that she could look at his face and know when he was lying. S19 started laughing and said that was true, that she could tell he was being untruthful even when he was bulls**ting himself.
Isn't it just awe inspiring how the universe conspires to put in front of us the very things we need to move forward? How much MORE tension and hard feelings etc. with the kids would there have been without this "false alarm"?
Oh, geeze, Tal, just a thought...might your dream have presaged or in some way communicated your KID'S suspicions or the events of yesterday?????
Very, very cool.
SO terrific that there was a healing for the whole family hidden in this, and everyone was at a place to contribute toward it. Awesome!
I think my dream was a nightmare that was inspired by the "Not Just Friends" book I have been reading that touched off some deep stuff. Hard to explain, but the dreams I have that tell me "important information" are never that direct or ...well cliche. They feel different.
H called his father yesterday morning and had to explain why they had been called the previous night with such an odd question. I'm sure that was embarrasing to H. He got quite a lecture from his dad about how it is only natural that such things will come up (suspicions and questions) after such a betrayal.
Up until now, H has seen my requests for reassurance and accountability as MY problem and it has gone into that dynamic of him getting defensive and accuse me of being controlling.
I think he's getting a different perspective on things now. HIs dad told him that he should welcome such times to be accountable when we have suspicions or questions and face them head on, as that is needed to regain trust. Guess old dysfunctional dad has learned a thing or two over the years.
Tal, has your H read "After the Affair" by Janis Abraham Spring? I just finished it and it describes very well that kind of behavior. Just an idea, o wise one...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
back at you. Yes, I gave it to him to read, but it was very early on in the separation and he may not have been ready for some of that information when he was first trying to decide if he could ever come home.
He has been here since yesterday morning. Things are much more relaxed between he and S19 now which is great. He usually stays on Sunday nights too, but informed me that he needs to go back and finish packing as he is "moving back on Thursday".
I have been hoping and fretting about this for so long that it now seems unreal. He's told us that he doesn't entirely feel ready to live with people again--even the people that he loves. It will be an adjustment for everyone, I'm sure.
