The Four Phases of SSM Recovery

[RJRJR]

I don't know if this is the right place to post, but I guess I'm asking questions based on the 4 phases. Our marriage was going well until our third child (son) was born. My wife almost exclusively devoted her attention to him. I asked her to spend time together and to have sex. Most of the times, she turned to him even more or ignored my requests by not saying or doing anything. After about 18 months, I was wearing down, it was getting old. But then she stopped breast-feeding and things started to get better. Then, oops, she got pregnant again and this time was extremely sick. We had no time together, and now, without enough energy, I had to do all (ALL) the housework and we had even less time together than before.

The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, which brought us together in a big way. But then, oops, she got pregnant again, sick again, and it was me all over again doing all the housework, having no time with my wife. Late in the pregnancy, I couldn't take it anymore. I did a lot of reading, online and in books. I was in a men's group at our church, and we did a book review on Larry Crabb's book Men and Women. The last date night we had was to go see the movie Fireproof. Everywhere I turned I felt like I was doing as much as I could to get things back on track but that she was ignoring me and authors like Larry Crabb defined her as selfish; he said spouses need to be "other centered" which is how I was trying very hard to be.

Then I came across the SSM book, and every page it seemed it was talking about me. I finally figured out that without closeness to my wife, I had lost my feelings of being connected to her. Then I talked to my wife about how I felt. She had no clue that her continual rejection of me over the past 2 years was creating a problem. I told her I did not feel connected anymore, but I didn't know how to change it because I had been trying, asking for time, attention and sex, but she was rejecting me.

She promised to do better. I told her I was going to back off serving her (housework) because I had no energy and without a connection with her, I felt I had no way of recharging my batteries. Now the baby came. We have always had problems with her not wanting to do housework of any kind. It's not getting done at all now. And I stopped doing any. Oh, and she told me she thought I was always angry, so that's why she stepped backed. I told her it wasn't intentional, but I recognized that I was much more discontent because she wasn't doing anything to me my needs and rejected me when I asked her to do something that made me feel important to her. Then I told her that the reason I have been discontent is that I have been asking her to meet my needs, but she has chosen not to. That's when she promised to do better. That was almost 2 months ago, still no change.

I have really enjoyed myself, going back into woodwork as my hobby and building things. Putting energy into tinkering with our cars, which I enjoy. And trying to spend more time with the kids - but I have found that the tension in our relationship adversely affects my relationship with our kids, which is something else she picked up on and said was a reason she took a step back. I have found my previously high sex drive is pretty much gone. It feels good not to be in bondage to the high sex drive. But I also found that since the baby was born, she has returned to be (was sleeping on the sofa every night - never really understood why - claimed she wasn't comfortable anywhere else), but I am not comfortable with her there. I feel like she's invading my space. I question whether or how long it will take for those feelings to return, especially if she doesn't make any effort to do things differently. Baby is now a month old and she is back on the sofa. Fine by me, when we do sleep in the same bed, I don't like her being too close. It used to be that I always wanted to be as close to her as I could be, that's what I enjoyed, even if we weren't having sex.

I guess my question is what am I to be doing to meet my spouse's needs? She won't spend time together. Can't have sex for another few weeks per her doctor, and I'm not confident she will initiate anyway when it is time. I just spent most of the last 12-18 months doing the majority of the housework. I have bought her little gifts once in awhile, but it never appears as though she genuinely appreciates them. I relieve her of cooking usually once a week by ordering in or going out.

What's left? I honestly don't know what else I could be doing or could have done to make things turn out any differently. Perhaps I was doing too much and she became complacent. Well, I'm sorry, but I'm a giving person, and I guess I have the attitude that if I bend over backwards for you, you're not going to take advantage of me. Apparently I was wrong - with my own spouse! And I told her I felt she was taking advantage of me.

I'm open to suggestions. But I have told her how I felt, that I have needs that aren't being met. If she doesn't have any interest in making an investment into the marriage, I feel like I'm wasting my time pursuing her. Given that it's been almost 3 years now, I don't see things getting any better until she decides she can positively influence the outcome. I tried to have her read the SSM book with me. She read the 1st chapter, but nothing else.

Any ideas? Otherwise, I'm going back to the workshop - I'm kind of enjoying this self-healing thing!