WAW taking a step home?

[EnergyAZ]

DQ - Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful response! I wish I had more to contribute to your thread! :-(


I fully understand what you are saying....

I am a a good man, but not a perfect man. I am Dr.Jeckyl and Mr.Hyde. On one hand, I can be exceptionally gentle and sweet and generous and loving - the perfect husband. On the other side, I can be exceptionally cold, cruel, mean. And while I am not physical, I can admit and accept the fact I had been verbal/emotionally abusive.

But I am also a pillar of strength, and while this oddessy gave me some serious cracks - I still remain strong. I never allowed myself to whoremonger, to drink, drug, or vent my frustrations at the world. I sucked it up, looked in the mirror, and did the best I could in a manner I could be proud of, in a manner that sets an example for my son.

She knows what time it is. She knows she has a long way to go to re earn my trust. She is thankful I am willing to honor my vows 'for better or worse' but realizes she has do to some heavy lifting.

Yes, I love her. But that doesnt mean I will just lay down the carpet and let her walk as she pleases.

I know who and what I am. And that is one hell of a catch in every sense possible. Yes, I am not perfect, but my good out weighs my bad by a landslide. I know there are many more women that would be interested in me than vice versa. I know that I can take my pick of the finest the meat market has to offer.

Make no doubt, I am a VERY confident person. Borderline cocky. But I do have a tender side to me....I am only human!

:-)

Thanks again for your post, it was very insightful as to what may have caused my wife to return. And yes, initially I was so shell shocked I was not myself. But I found myself again

...and here she comes running back.

It wont be so easy for her this time.

But I am not going to nit pick. The love of my life wants to try again and I am THRILLED!!

[notgivinup]

this morning I woke up to a text message from my step-son, the 15 year old with adhd that my wife basically blames me for all of his problems and says that the arguments we got into are one of the reasons she left. He text me to ask if I could pick him up from school at noon since they got out early. Thinking my wife had something to do with this I called her to tell her that I couldn't do it because I had a dr. appointment for my back. She laughed and said that she had mentioned this was one of the times that she needed my arround to him as a sort of joke I guess. I didn't think it was really funny. Me and him did but heads quit often before she moved out so I was glad that he still looks to me for help. Maybe she will see that he still loves me and knows I will be there for him, which I will regardless of me and her. It made me feel real good that he still knows I will try to help him out whenever I can!

[frank_D]

DanceQueen is right on target. Women feel attraction to strong confident men. google 'david cunningham attraction' and check out his stuff. He has a free daily email that is very insightful.

You're in a good spot because SHE is taking action. And it wasn't a 'sudden' turnaround, it's been building up. You just didn't see it.

[EnergyAZ]

DanceQueen is right on target. Women feel attraction to strong confident men. google 'david cunningham attraction' and check out his stuff. He has a free daily email that is very insightful.

You're in a good spot because SHE is taking action. And it wasn't a 'sudden' turnaround, it's been building up. You just didn't see it.

That is really interesting, I did not think about the possibility it may have been building up. Looking back, I still cant see it. But women are pretty mysterious! lol

And she really is taking action - every day since that fateful day she has surprised me.

For example; I got a buddy who just won a job with a nationally signed death metal band. I am not a big death metal kinda guy, but always support my musician friends ambitions.

She found out they were hosting a benefit concert on Valentines Day and asked me if we might go together.

She HATES death metal. And to give up a traditional romantic Valentines Day in favor of a freakin death metal concert (of all things) spoke volumes to me!

I told her she didnt need to do that. But she came back explaining why she wanted to go when we both know she would never be caught dead at a death metal show.

She really is trying!

:-)

[breakaway]

I am a a good man, but not a perfect man. I am Dr.Jeckyl and Mr.Hyde. On one hand, I can be exceptionally gentle and sweet and generous and loving - the perfect husband. On the other side, I can be exceptionally cold, cruel, mean. And while I am not physical, I can admit and accept the fact I had been verbal/emotionally abusive.

How do you plan to be different now?

[cz946]

Hi Energy,

Hows it going? I hope all is well and still on track.

CZ

[EnergyAZ]

I am a a good man, but not a perfect man. I am Dr.Jeckyl and Mr.Hyde. On one hand, I can be exceptionally gentle and sweet and generous and loving - the perfect husband. On the other side, I can be exceptionally cold, cruel, mean. And while I am not physical, I can admit and accept the fact I had been verbal/emotionally abusive.

How do you plan to be different now?

To clarify, improvement I have been making for myself was a long, slow progressive movement in the right direction. Started with a personal/psychological epiphany that led to a full blown spiritual awakening

Yes, these ugly traits will always be a part of me, like an alcoholic will always be alcoholic, prone to slip any moment. But with some knowledge, support, and self discipline one can make big improvements for themselves.

The biggest thing IMO is taking ownership of your personal behavior. Nobody 'makes' you feel anything. YOU chose your reaction to any stimulus pro or con. When one realizes that, it goes a long way in the ability to control and master themselves. You see others in a whole new light. I actually feel sorry for people who can be rude and insulting rather than take offense by them. They are the ones who are 'broken' and ignorant of themselves and therefore deserve nothing but my pity and empathy - I was once one of them.

I am on a whole new level of personal awareness and self mastery. I am light years away from the man who my lady distorted to a cartoonish level. But I think she has been satisfied enough with what she has seen the last couple years that I am absolutely sincere and the whole 'self improvement' thing has taken legs of its own, now with almost nothing to do with her or anyone else but me. That all said, I have only begun my journey but the results encourage me to keep at it!

[notgivinup]

I have made it though a whole week of not arguing are "stalking" my wife. She contacted me several times about the taxes and and other things about about my son. We actually went out to eat together last night as a family. It was kind of wierd because she didn't really talk to me and we basically focused on our son and my step son's. She posted on her mypace page that she had a nice evening and that she was positive. You are right! I have know what I have needed to do but couldn't manage to get there. I think I am finally ready to focus on me!

[EnergyAZ]

"We actually went out to eat together last night as a family. It was kind of wierd because she didn't really talk to me and we basically focused on our son and my step son's."


I had very similar experience, the awkward dinner. But awkward is good, it is progress. Much better than spinning into old bad habits right? I think the awkwardness is both people who want to be there, but have a bit of a wall just in case the other slips into poor form. Not sure of what to do/say out of concern it might start something, so do nothing instead and keep focus on other things. The fact she saw the experience as a positive suggests she wanted to be there and was pleased things didnt get bad. Very good sign! Keep showing her things wont sprial out and get ugly when you are together.

When both people feel more confident the other is not going to slip into poor form, things start to open up a little bit.

When you see that opening, thats an opportunity to demonstrate that time together can be GOOD...very good!

You will have to make effort to only be light and fun and avoid heavy topics like the plauge. Be flirty and cute, you know what makes her smile - so do it (you should also be aware of her boundaries so respect them)

Imagine if you are coming off an ACL tear, you arent going to be sprinting around the day after surgery. You got to tread lightly, keep the pace slow and mellow, be gentle and nurse yourself to health before you even think about sprinting again.

Right now, your relationship is catastrophically wounded, and you need to make every effort you can be to keep things light, mellow, gentle, and fun. The time for full blow rehab can come after the pain and swelling subsides

Show her how you are still the man she origially fell for, in fact, show her how you are a new improved version of that man she fell for. (dont tell, show!)

You HAVE to focus on you! You HAVE to be the best person you can be, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically - look to improve in all these areas. You deserve it.

Dont tell her you are going to the gym, let her notice. Dont tell her you have been reading self improvement books, or developing your spiritual side, let her notice in your behavior. Dont tell her you are exploring new interests and have new interesting things to talk about and do, show her!

Regardless of your wife - its the best thing you can do for yourself! When you take steps to improve yourself, your perception on life will change for the better. AKA your life gets better!

If you win your wife back - she will be enthralled with the new you. And if you dont win her back - so what?!?! The new you is going to kill it out in this world and you will eventually meet a fantastic woman who feels like she hit the lotto when you walked into her life! Bank on it!

[Bridgestone]

But awkward is good, it is progress. Much better than spinning into old bad habits right?

What are you both doing to 'replace' those old bad habits?? What are you doing to learn new ones individually & then practicing them collaboratively?

Not sure of what to do/say out of concern it might start something, so do nothing instead and keep focus on other things.

Sounds like how R's get to the point where there is a WA or an affair.

Keep showing her things wont sprial out and get ugly when you are together.

Not ONLY when it's awkward but when you are tackling the tough topics too.

When both people feel more confident the other is not going to slip into poor form, things start to open up a little bit.

and THAT is when it is crucial to do what you have been learning to do that is a 180 from before. Be consistant, empathetic, caring, compassionate. EVEN IF SHE IS NOT. She will continue to test you to make sure these changes are for real.

You HAVE to focus on you!

I would suggest you HAVE to focus on her... ask her questions about the 'new' her, show interest in her life, in her changes, in her interests.

My 2 cents worth.
Peace
Bridge