Lodo, What do you know of working for a PhD and divorce? It seems to be common. Isnt' that partly your sitch? Is there any research on it?
Hi Login,
This has been my sitch - twice now. Quick synopsis: My XW and I were together 12 years. When we first got together, she warned me that she'd never had a serious relationship because she couldn't balance those demands with her academic ambitions. I ignored the red flags. 3 years later, she started a Master's at a prestigious research university; 3 months into it she broke up with me. I later discovered that there was OM, a grad student, she'd started seeing 1 month after promising me she'd be true forever. Long story short, she said no way to me, gave her heart to OM, and 2 months later realized she was lying to herself and she couldn't relate to him like me. It was rocky trying to get back together but we eventually figured it out. By then she'd passed her quals for a PhD but later dropped out because she wanted teaching experience rather than doing research. 2 years later we married.
That was 2002. In summer of 2007 she reinstated in her PhD. 2 months into that, she slept with OM on research trip. 2 months after THAT, she told me she couldn't deny her feelings and moved out. A month later I came to this site and the rest is on my threads. Currently she's called it quits with the first OM and now she's started up with ANOTHER researcher. Our D was final at the end of October and she says she's happy doing what she's doing, though she keeps breaking into tears around one of my friends and has started to tear up around me (until I bundle her out the door).
So that's been my experience and I went crazy at first, scouring the internet for research on PhD pressures and divorce. There isn't a lot out there, but what I've seen isn't good. I work at a research university and see what goes on. It isn't pretty. Especially in the medical school. One spouse supports another all through the tough times and then when the student finally get close to finishing the degree, they dump the spouse. Usually because they feel they're on a "different plane" and they want to just be with their colleagues who share the same interests, teaching loads, who work into the wee hours writing proposals, etc. Things are obviously different at a research university, but ... And I've decided this is more often the case with women than men. Maybe it's because women file for D more than men, but I definitely notice it. And it factors into some things I've read about how women deal with stress vs. men. That said, every sitch is different.
I'm sorry - I know your W is the one pursuing degree. Obviously what I know doesn't hold true for everyone. What's going on with you guys?
