Quote: It's easier to maintain mystery in that case. And the target's imagination will work in their favor...of course they will imagine what they most want.
Yes, there is the mystery part and the listening part. Heck, I'd even start up with the "oh you poor baby" sympathy...really encourage self-centeredness and being on a pity pot.
I'd probably say things like, "you shouldn't feel guilty about leaving your family, the best gift you can give your children is a truly happy father".
and...
"Life is too short to spend married to someone your not happy being with 100% of the time" and....so on.
I got a call from Wolfie's sister last night. They rarely talk , in fact most of their family seems to be like that. She and I talked for an hour and a half, and she told me quite a bit about their childhood. She filled in a lot of information between the blanks, I guess, of what he has told me.
Quite honestly, I don't know how H survived as well as he has, considering how he grew up. Not only were the kids supposed to be seen but not heard, there was a near total absence of any affection or communication from their parents. The father was a very physical disciplinarian with Wolfie (a punch in the nose was a common occurance). The mom was prone to deep depressions and fits of anger. She would apparently beat them black and blue with belts over small things that she wouldn't bother about the next day. The just never knew when the physical and verbal abuse was coming next, but knew it was definately coming.
The sister described their mom as having numerous affairs that she forced her daughter to keep secret and be a collaborator in. Wolfie only knew about the one that couldn't be hidden, when his mom got pregnant by a married co-worker and then tried to commit suicide.
What a great childhood, enit?
I told my C about all of this today, and she gave me a lot of good insight into why Wolfie does some of the things he does as a result of his upbringing. She says that almost everything he does that is dysfunctional and causes trouble in our R relates back to having a huge wall he's built around himself to try not to allow himself to be hurt. She says that even though he doesn't act at all possessive, she thinks he is actually terrified all the time that he will loose me.
It does make sense, what she's saying. There's many times that he's told me that he figured I'd wake up one morning and wonder, "What the hell am I doing with this bozo? What the hell was I thinking?"
It's just hard for me to see the vulnerable, insecure person in there behind those thick walls.
Hi Tal, It sure is amazing what insight the past can bring into current behaviors!!!! sounds like you got some good information from your SIL to help with understanding your H. I agree with your therapist that he is probably deep down terrified of you leaving him. I think most H's that go down this path, if they find their way back to W's will always wonder if we will leave them--the ultimate payback if we were in for that! It is inspiring to see such progress with you and H--wishing you only the best. For now, I'm going to stop trying. Period. I just can't do anything anymore. And perhaps that is detachment in the ultimate sense of the word. I just don't care anymore and can't live the roller coaster ride anymore. It's kind of funny, but with this perspective--I am not having any problems with not calling, not emailing, etc. and I think because truly I'm doing it for me--not doing it to try to "win" H back. I love him, always will--but it is time for him to show some desire towards me and the M--I cannot carry it alone any longer! Perhaps a strong dose of reality will give him some food for thought-make it "real" and if not, at least I know that I have done all I could and have fought the good fight! OOps looks like I hi-jacked your thread again! Sawwwry!!!
Sorry to lag behind the others on response to your post but you are definitely right on target.
My H told me that his A began with a friendship that a woman in the program started with him. He was unhappy in our M and SHE became his "listener" and supporter of his drudgery. SHE 'understood' his unhappiness, lonliness, feeling 'unloved' by me. SHE saw what a good man he was and how sad it was for him to feel so alone blah blah blah....she SAW his vulnerablilty and played it like a fiddle and HE let her.
So YOU are absolutely right and I have the proof right from my own HORSE'S MOUTH. T2
I see you were able to post your picture. What a beauty you are!!
In reading your SIL remarks in regard to Wolfie's childhood, I was struck by the abundance of answers that poured into the picture. Especially those behaviors that left us all scratching our heads and muttering things like "huh?"
Issues with self esteem, fear of abandonment and maybe even a fear of intimacy come to my mind for starters.
My H has issues that are clearly marked "mom". It helps me some to know this because my approach is generally more effective when I'm operating within the parameters of that knowledge. There are also times when I have to gently remind him that I am not his mom.
It looks like you are reaching some deep layers now. Very encouraging stuff.
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