I'm back, had a bit of tough time getting into the forums, something happened to my account, thankfully the forum admins responded to my email and enabled my account (thank you guys).
It is easier to think about things when you use the squirrel analogy, it is a very good analogy - when you frame things this way it's easier when you have to determine how to respond to certain things said/done.
Here is an update on my situation: - still separated
... OK, I thought a little bit of humor would help.
I think things haven't gotten a little better, I mean we're still separated but things have been a little friendlier with some surprising twists.
She talks to me more now than previously. She is more receptive to conversation albeit the conversation is usually one sided, ie. about her, etc. But I do show some interest, I don't want to appear as if I'm hanging from every word but I do show interest and ask more about any given topic she is discussing to get the conversation going and build more rapport.
She has hugged me a few times more since the last time and she also has told me that whenever I need to talk about anything, she told me I can call her/txt her - I thanked her for the offer and offered the same thing to her as well.
Last weekend I found myself working the entire weekend, moving one of the head offices for the company that I work for to a new location (moving servers, computers, network gear, related equipment, etc.). She had the kids thurs, fri & sat and after taking the kids out for mini-golf, she txted me to see how my day was and how things were going and that the kids were having fun. Told her that if she wanted to, she could come by and check out the new office that we moved to which was recently built. She accepted and brought the kids down (the kids had a blast, brand new office which is still largely unfurnished, I was the only there and they had a ton of fun running around, etc.). I told her I was going to be done @5pm that evening and that if she was interested, we could all go out for a dinner that evening (us & the kids) and she was receptive to that: we were both hungry and the kids definitely wanted to go out for dinner as well.
We had a good time going out for dinner, it was a fun family experience. I'll be honest, I can tell she was flirting with me (which pretty much confirms what I had mentioned in my earlier posts) and flirting obviously. She ordered a strawberry margarita and shared it with me, she cut up bits of her steak and shared it with me, we shared dessert, etc.
I took the kids that night because she worked the next morning and I'm usually the one that brings the kids to sunday school, she stayed that evening till the kids went to sleep and kept flirting with me.
She pretty much confirmed that she wanted to be physical with me but she didn't want me to confuse being physically intimate and wanting to get back together again. She is very confusing and in the past I would have probably told her that and started a bit of an argument also. A couple weekends previous to this she asked me if I still love her and she also said that it's not like she didn't want things to work out and then a few weekends later, she becomes flirty with me and admits that she wants to be physically intimate with me but she doesn't want me to confuse that with her having feelings for her. I told her that's fine, if she just wanted to have sex and didn't want me to pressure her into talking about love & feelings, I would be ok with that too.
So yes we ended up having sex and if I did wrong, any of you experienced DB'ers please say so, seriously I'm starting to doubt myself if I did wrong in going through with this. I had sex with my WAS (walk away spouse, I think that is the acronym for that), serious sex and we both really enjoyed it. I know she enjoyed it because she txted me a few days later asking me if I had fun that night because I didn't say anything afterwards and hadn't txted her the next day (maybe another mistake, maybe she was waiting for me to contact her after that?)
Seriously a guy can really get lost in all of the tests that his wife puts him through during a separation and evening during the course of a normal relationship. Is it just me or do women just continuously test their husbands? It's like you can't relax because if you do, you will fail some test. Right now I have to show her that she can trust me not to fall back into my previous bad patterns & behaviours, show her that the "wall" is strong so if she attempts to punch holes in it, she will realize that it is strong or that I am strong.
Was I wrong in having sex with my wife during our separation? It hasn't led to a reconciliation and I haven't forced that issue, in fact I've played it cool and just treated it as sex just as she had asked. I get the feeling she wants to have sex again, she told me it was pretty hot and that she had read somewhere that husbands/wives who are separated/divorced but hook up together to have sex end up having really hot sex and I guess that's a big turn on for her - she apparently had a lot of fun.
So what's my next move? My only problem is this, if I just have sex with her and never push the relationship issue, am I not communicating to her that this is fine with me and that's all we are really good for - physical intimacy but not emotional intimacy?
