Climbing out of the swamp

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Ohhh Frankie Poo. I tried to call you!!!

Hi gang.

So Ian and I were talking and I thought I might give you a call. I tried and it went to VM. I hope you might be in a meeting.

I'm not sure I ever told you this. We spoke by phone in Dec. of 06. It was close to Christmas. The man I spoke to on the phone opened my eye (I only have one) to so much in the short convos we had.

I was not D at the time and was still struggling with keeping my damn mouth shut and focusing on me. I was a posting fool on here and just wanting everything to be ok. And something struck me not but an hour or two after our conversation while I was in KS visiting family.

Guess what?! Everything is ok. I am fine. I'm happier now then before. I have learned so much about myself and those around me. I've embraced life as it comes towards me thanks to you and so many others on here. And the BEST part.. I didn't need CL back in my life to accomplish this. It happened because I focused on me. What Tyson/Tiara Boy/Confused Mess needed.

What did I need? I needed me without another addiction in my life. Whether it was alcohol, drugs or my EX that's right-- EX Wife. I have been addicted to all three. I have removed those demons for today.

I found Tyson. I now know what Attorney Tom had always preached. He kept telling me to focus on ME. I finally started doing it. And I love me (yes Ian, in more ways than one).

What I realized by focusing on me is that I will be ok no matter what. Everyone in my life is just an added bonus.

My gf (you all remember val) mentioned to me tonight (and I am not sh*tting you here) that in all her past relationships she felt as though she would not be ok on her own. In this R "I have learned from you that you are a bonus and I could and would be ok without you. I'm not saying that I wouldn't be sad, but I know that life would go on and I would do just fine..." That is something that made me smile and two years ago to hear that from my ex wife I would have been writing here and bawling on the phone to any one of you.

I don't want to make this too long (hahaha i know... it's already a novel) but just a few things I have learned through my D and this place...

1. I have NO control. None, Zero, zip. I can control my thoughts, my actions and me. That's it. My ex... nope. My gf? nope.. My job.. Only what I,ME,Tyson can do. I cannot control how people will react, what they will say or what they will do. I can however control how I respond to it.

2. Expectations are the devil. They really do cause us to be miserable. Case in point: Everytime I would talk to CL before the "breakthrough" I would play the entire scenario through in my head. How she would respond, what I would say....blah blah blah. It never worked out that way and I usually ended up worse off. Even at work I would walk into an office thinking that I was there to fix a simple issue. It turned into a 4 hour ordeal. I was PO'd. If I would have walked into the office thinking "Let's see what this experience has in store for me"... I would not be surprised or upset by anything.

When we expect others to act a certain way, respond a certain way or be a certain way we are setting ourselves up for a huge disappointment. I even did that with myself for so many years that it kept a straw in my nose and me in the bottom of the bottle. Now I just do what I can and let the pieces fall where they may.

3. Faith or belief... everything happens for a reason and in our loving, comfortable place known as the pity pot we fail to see this.

I will finish my novel now.

Make yourself a priority Frank. You owe yourself that. You owe your kids that.

And don't let Ian try to talk you into picking anything up for him. It hurts!

Just be my friend and you will be fine.