So I noticed W called the wife of OM because they have been friends for 16yrs and since she still says nothing happened with OM except dirty texting she shouldn't have to not call her. My coach told me I should tell her how much it hurts me and reminds me of all the pain. I did this weeks ago and she never tried to call OM W. But I knew she would call OM wife just because she's mad at me for calling her names. So is she trying to prove something to me or what? It really does hurt me, but I know if I say anything about it she'll have more ammunition to be mad at me. Also, we have been remolding a house we bought and before the fight she took off her wedding ring and a couple of other rings of her hands so she wouldn't get any paint on them, but that was before the name calling now that we are done painting she hasn't put any of her rings back on and I'm one who believes if your married you wear your ring. Am I being over obessive about all this stuff. I know once we get passed this I will tell her how much it hurts me that speaking with OM wife hurts me. Should I say anything about the ring or just wait and see?
she hasn't put any of her rings back on and I'm one who believes if your married you wear your ring.
You believe a lot of stuff. If you believe that then wear YOUR ring. Whether she wears hers or not isn't your concern. She doesn't need to wear it because YOU believe she needs to. It's a choice. Obviously you'd like to see her wearing them, but she's a separate person from you and your beliefs.
Obviously she now feels again like she doesn't have choices. That shows that SHE is still hurt because you called her a whore. Oh, but you didn't mean it. It wasn't like you were thinking it or anything. I think you need to fess up to yourself that you damn well did mean it. I know you're really really hurt about the OM, and I don't blame you, but you need to be a lot more honest with yourself.
Right now I'd interpret her calling OM's W as a show of independence. You squash that, and you squash your chances. You are NOT in control of her, nor should you be. You only control YOU. Worry about YOU. Change YOU.
I think the less said about the rings and her calling the OM's W, the better. If you wait until you get past this, as you suggested and then bring it all up again and how it hurt you for her to call OM's W, you will be opeing a can of worms.
I know I had to learn just how badly I hurt my H by reading the threads of men whose w's had left them or had an A. So, I say this being as fair as I know how to be......the way things are right now, I think you have got to find a way to get over the pain and forgive her and stop obsessing or you will drive her away for certain, no longer have a M, and you will be left with all this unresolved in your heart and be one huge miserable mess. Please stop talking to her about the stitch and just try to be friend-ly towards her and make the most of each day. Work very hard on yourself and the things that you feel had a hand in helping her turn to another man to fulfill those needs (but that may come later on after some of this other stuff has been sraightened out).
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Good one Breakaway. I didn't say anything to her about the ring and didn't say anything about the phone call. The OM wife called my W first and she returned her call. My W deleted the message and Caller Id so I wouldn't see. Then I was quiet before she left for work and didn't say anything but have a good night. Next thing you know I get a call from her asking about all this stuff for the remodeling of the house we bought. I never meant to call my W a whore. I was trying to hurt her and that was wrong. I'm not trying to control anyone, but when you lose your trust for someone it's tough to get it back. Before all of this I never would have thought anything about her ring or the OM's W. But now I get all fired up. I'm trying to move on. Sometimes things get the best of me and I just don't say anything. I do wear my ring proudfully. She's not wearing her's to test me.She talked to the OM wife because she's mad at me.But if you noticed she still hid the fact OM's W called and that she called her back. I never was like this. We'll when I was in my teens. But now with so much to lose I get obsessive about all of it. I try not to. So what do you think? Am I being tested? By the way. She took her rings off because we where painting and a day before the name calling. She didn't take the ring off because of the fight. You know!
Sandi You say it's ok for her to talk to OM W. But my divorce busters coach says that if it hurts me that I should tell her like that." That it hurts me and that's not ok with me. Not that I'm telling you what to do." That's what she said to say to her and it work until today and after the name calling. So it's a little pay back. Trust me. I'm eating a lot of crow and not saying a thing. Playing it cool. Like the FONZ.......AAAAAAAAAAAy
Every time I read your posts I read about your pain, what she is doing to hurt you. As long as you keep focusing there, it is going to keep hurting, and your actions are not going to help it get better. I'm guessing she has some hurting going on. It might not be a bad idea to let her work through that. And maybe, to examine yourself, and see what you might have done to cause it. And I don't mean just the name calling.
You are also assuming that everthing she is doing is in reaction to you. It is actually possible that she may not be doing things to get back at you, or because she is mad at you. You are seeing eveything through your eyes, and looking at how it makes you feel. In a way (don't take this wrong) you are seeing things like a four year old. Anything anyone does is about you. It might not be.
Your coach told you to tell her it hurts. They didn't tell you that would "work", and that your W would never take the actions anyway. You are trying to control her, no matter how you spin it. And she most likely doens't like that.
I think it is a good time to be very quiet, and let her get through what she is feeling without getting in the way. And accept that your feelings come from you, and not from her.
"I never meant to call my W a whore... I was trying to hurt her and that was wrong. I'm not trying to control anyone, but when you lose your trust for someone it's tough to get it back. Before all of this I never would have thought anything about her ring or the OM's W. But now I get all fired up. I'm trying to move on. Sometimes things get the best of me and I just don't say anything. I do wear my ring proudfully. She's not wearing her's to test me..."
So you "never meant to call her a whore"...but you were "trying to hurt her"... HEY, stop lying to us and yourself and stop the obsessing. You have a proprietary thing going on that is getting old and tiresome to read. This is hard. But it is not complicated. Just really difficult. We all get that. So do some forgiveness exercises (in the books) and read the books and go to a minister and get some counselling either from the minister AND OR a therapist, but STOP ruining your m. Please. Don't kid yourself about the anger you feel and how it keeps popping up. As for HER testing YOU??? OMG you are testing her constantly. Is she wearing the ring? Did she call OM''s W first? Why did she delete the call? HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW SHE DID THAT??? OH, B/C YOU ARE SNOOPING...Have you even read the Div Busting books yet? Someone else suggested a book on forgiveness, did you get it and read it?
Can you just be here now ? No more rehashing the unchangeable past and no more worrying about an unknowable future. Your future is made up of all of your todays...the "now" is what you will look back on, tomorrow. And yours is filled with what? What will she remember of these times?
That is so important. Each person here, is or was either a LBSer (left behind spouse) or a WAS (walk away spouse) or somewhere in between. ALL of us have had some real pain the past few years so we understand the obsessing and how it CONSUMES our energy and lives. But you have to make a choice. You seem to "choose" forgiveness, but then you fall off the wagon only seconds later. You also deny obvious things; saying you didn't mean to call her a whore...you only meant to HURT HER!!! Think about how that sounds and looks and how TRUE it is. Yes you meant it. You said it. You wanted to hurt her. Okay, you apologized right? You meant the apology???? B/C I really don't know. I get the feeling you regret upsetting her in a way that makes her mad at you, but you DID want to hurt her and you admit it, and you also said you "wanted her to feel ashamed..." wow. You don't think she feels badly enough yet? Ah, hence the whore comment. See that comment makes me mad at you. A conscience is a good thing. Seems she has one. She felt remorse and expressed it. She probably has done some soul searching about what she wants in her life and decided it was you. That's a good thing. But you want her to feel SHAME...see that's where you lose me. You must not realize what happens when people feel shame for long. I mean a minute of it, in a healthy person results in an apology and regret and some self examination. But someone who still feels shame OR has it thrown into their face, will almost invariably turn to anger and attack the source of their shame, not themselves, but the one reminding them of their sin. So, it'll backfire on you. Oh wait, it already is. So if I were you and you are "done" with the hurting HER part of your life, then I'd stop the obsessing and start the loving. Lose the stuff about "wearing the ring proudfully" (sic) b/c it strikes me as self righteous. Something about your posts reveals a lot of confusion in you. I mean that's normal at first. How long has it been? You have to get off the fence and make a choice which you say you already did....but you haven't acted FULLY on that choice. So you need to drop the crap that hurts her and your m, and start the stuff that helps.
You have some real flaws. That's okay. Join the club known as the human race. You are human. So is your wife. She is allowed to make mistakes, right? Well she did. So did you. Now can we move on?
Does she say she loves you and wants to stay married? Do you believe her? Okay, assuming the answers are yes, then start moving on and stop looking back. I just put a STOP SIGN in my head when I get images I don't need to see, real or not. Do the same thing. Ever wonder how people who witness terrible things like the murderous slaughter of their families, but somehow get past it? Most of them do. They finally decide they are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. So they STOP it. They just say "no" to all the images and pain and YES to letting go. In the end, forgiveness requires a 'letting go' of something. For you, part of what you need to let go of is the desire to hurt your wife. It's not alright and it's not attractive and it's not loving. She did not try to hurt you, although her behavior crossed lines to be sure. It hurt you, but it was not her intent. You did intend to hurt her. Interesting, isn't it? You say you love her and I believe you. But when she says she loves you, and acts like it, you'd rather stare at her unringed finger and wonder what it all means? Ever think she might be wondering wth you are doing/feeling? She must see your anger and wonder how far you'll take it. Maybe you'll have a retaliatory EA or more, just to punish her. And the shame thing...still really gets me. I hope what you mean is that you want to know somehow that she "gets it" that you were so hurt and trust has been shaken. But it seems obvious to me she knows it. So I'm left with the feeling that shaming her is to hurt her and that was your goal, and another way of saying the same thing.
If it were me, and I were in your w's shoes and I was commited to you, but having second thoughts based on your m history AND your present reactions today...I'd need to hear some very loving things from you. Now. Not later when YOU feel better. But now. B/C as someone said here, and as YOU admit, your m was vulnerable due to some inattentiveness on your end. And now, with the "shaming her" in case you hadn't made her feel crappy enough about your M (see that's the thing, the shame and guilt and bad feelings are ALL going to be associated with YOU and the M, not her behavior. Is that what you want in her head? )
Such a self fulfilling prophecy to say she shook your trust in her, and now you'll jam it down her throat so much you are going to push her into the arms of someone else. Then what? Will you call her a name again and try to hurt her again?
INSTEAD, You need to contrast her negative images of the M, with positive ones. You need to stop fueling her justifications for wanting someone else, IF she did.
Read the DB books to figure out your own role in this so you can lessen the chance of a problem (lessen, not eliminate) in the future. I think you want something none of us can have; insurance. We cannot promise you that your w won't be with another man; or think of OM, or dream of OM, or hate om, or slap or kiss or joke with OM or see or hide from OM or WHATEVER.... when you love, you take the risk of being hurt.
To really love someone, is a brave thing. If you're going to do it, then be quiet and do it. Stop dipping your toe in the water for the temp', b/c you say you love her and want to stay M. But you want to hammer her with the shame so she won't do it again....that's the exact opposite of what would motivate a woman to refrain from seeing an OM. She needs to feel loved AND respected by you. NOW. So dive in and get wet.
(( j ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
The OM wife called my W first and she returned her call. My W deleted the message and Caller Id so I wouldn't see. Then I was quiet before she left for work and didn't say anything but have a good night.
\ Well that's a horse of a different color, then isn't it? OM's W called her FIRST. And she called her back. Of course she deleted it...look at your response. If it was "payback" she would have called OM's W on her own and she wouldn't have deleted it. I think Virtually Handsome is spot on. You are assuming a lot of vindictiveness on your wife's part. Just who is the vindictive one here? Who is interested in payback?
Also, when you are "quiet"...what does that mean? Pleasantly quiet, or pouting quiet?
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I never meant to call my W a whore. I was trying to hurt her and that was wrong.
So you meant to hurt her... I mean if you were "trying" to hurt her. So you did mean it. Just admit it.
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Sometimes things get the best of me and I just don't say anything.
But how do you show it instead?
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I do wear my ring proudfully. She's not wearing her's to test me.She talked to the OM wife because she's mad at me.But if you noticed she still hid the fact OM's W called and that she called her back.
That is mindreading. What are you basing that on? Why do you think she is trying to test you? Do you REALLY think that she's plotting against you. "I bet if I don't wear my rings...that'll show him." Seriously jon...you REALLY think that? She talked to OM's wife because she's mad at you? How can you ascribe her thoughts to her? How is that humanly possible?
