Did she cheat or just dirty text messages?

[25yearsmlc]

YOU WROTE:

"I never meant to call my W a whore... I was trying to hurt her and that was wrong.
I'm not trying to control anyone, but when you lose your trust for someone it's tough to get it back. Before all of this I never would have thought anything about her ring or the OM's W. But now I get all fired up. I'm trying to move on. Sometimes things get the best of me and I just don't say anything.
I do wear my ring proudfully. She's not wearing her's to test me..."

So you "never meant to call her a whore"...but you were "trying to hurt her"... HEY, stop lying to us and yourself and stop the obsessing. You have a proprietary thing going on that is getting old and tiresome to read. This is hard. But it is not complicated. Just really difficult. We all get that. So do some forgiveness exercises (in the books) and read the books and go to a minister and get some counselling either from the minister AND OR a therapist, but STOP ruining your m. Please. Don't kid yourself about the anger you feel and how it keeps popping up. As for HER testing YOU??? OMG you are testing her constantly. Is she wearing the ring? Did she call OM''s W first? Why did she delete the call? HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW SHE DID THAT??? OH, B/C YOU ARE SNOOPING...Have you even read the Div Busting books yet? Someone else suggested a book on forgiveness, did you get it and read it?

Can you just be here now ? No more rehashing the unchangeable past and no more worrying about an unknowable future. Your future is made up of all of your todays...the "now" is what you will look back on, tomorrow. And yours is filled with what? What will she remember of these times?

That is so important. Each person here, is or was either a LBSer (left behind spouse) or a WAS (walk away spouse) or somewhere in between. ALL of us have had some real pain the past few years so we understand the obsessing and how it CONSUMES our energy and lives. But you have to make a choice. You seem to "choose" forgiveness, but then you fall off the wagon only seconds later. You also deny obvious things; saying you didn't mean to call her a whore...you only meant to HURT HER!!! Think about how that sounds and looks and how TRUE it is. Yes you meant it. You said it. You wanted to hurt her. Okay, you apologized right? You meant the apology???? B/C I really don't know. I get the feeling you regret upsetting her in a way that makes her mad at you, but you DID want to hurt her and you admit it, and you also said you "wanted her to feel ashamed..." wow. You don't think she feels badly enough yet? Ah, hence the whore comment.
See that comment makes me mad at you. A conscience is a good thing. Seems she has one. She felt remorse and expressed it. She probably has done some soul searching about what she wants in her life and decided it was you. That's a good thing. But you want her to feel SHAME...see that's where you lose me. You must not realize what happens when people feel shame for long. I mean a minute of it, in a healthy person results in an apology and regret and some self examination. But someone who still feels shame OR has it thrown into their face, will almost invariably turn to anger and attack the source of their shame, not themselves, but the one reminding them of their sin. So, it'll backfire on you. Oh wait, it already is. So if I were you and you are "done" with the hurting HER part of your life, then I'd stop the obsessing and start the loving. Lose the stuff about "wearing the ring proudfully" (sic) b/c it strikes me as self righteous. Something about your posts reveals a lot of confusion in you. I mean that's normal at first. How long has it been? You have to get off the fence and make a choice which you say you already did....but you haven't acted FULLY on that choice. So you need to drop the crap that hurts her and your m, and start the stuff that helps.

You have some real flaws. That's okay. Join the club known as the human race. You are human. So is your wife. She is allowed to make mistakes, right? Well she did. So did you. Now can we move on?

Does she say she loves you and wants to stay married? Do you believe her? Okay, assuming the answers are yes, then start moving on and stop looking back. I just put a STOP SIGN in my head when I get images I don't need to see, real or not. Do the same thing. Ever wonder how people who witness terrible things like the murderous slaughter of their families, but somehow get past it? Most of them do. They finally decide they are sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. So they STOP it. They just say "no" to all the images and pain and YES to letting go. In the end, forgiveness requires a 'letting go' of something. For you, part of what you need to let go of is the desire to hurt your wife. It's not alright and it's not attractive and it's not loving. She did not try to hurt you, although her behavior crossed lines to be sure. It hurt you, but it was not her intent. You did intend to hurt her. Interesting, isn't it? You say you love her and I believe you. But when she says she loves you, and acts like it, you'd rather stare at her unringed finger and wonder what it all means? Ever think she might be wondering wth you are doing/feeling? She must see your anger and wonder how far you'll take it. Maybe you'll have a retaliatory EA or more, just to punish her. And the shame thing...still really gets me. I hope what you mean is that you want to know somehow that she "gets it" that you were so hurt and trust has been shaken. But it seems obvious to me she knows it. So I'm left with the feeling that shaming her is to hurt her and that was your goal, and another way of saying the same thing.

If it were me, and I were in your w's shoes and I was commited to you, but having second thoughts based on your m history AND your present reactions today...I'd need to hear some very loving things from you. Now. Not later when YOU feel better. But now. B/C as someone said here, and as YOU admit, your m was vulnerable due to some inattentiveness on your end. And now, with the "shaming her" in case you hadn't made her feel crappy enough about your M (see that's the thing, the shame and guilt and bad feelings are ALL going to be associated with YOU and the M, not her behavior. Is that what you want in her head? )

Such a self fulfilling prophecy to say she shook your trust in her, and now you'll jam it down her throat so much you are going to push her into the arms of someone else. Then what? Will you call her a name again and try to hurt her again?

INSTEAD, You need to contrast her negative images of the M, with positive ones. You need to stop fueling her justifications for wanting someone else, IF she did.

Read the DB books to figure out your own role in this so you can lessen the chance of a problem (lessen, not eliminate) in the future. I think you want something none of us can have; insurance. We cannot promise you that your w won't be with another man; or think of OM, or dream of OM, or hate om, or slap or kiss or joke with OM or see or hide from OM or WHATEVER.... when you love, you take the risk of being hurt.

To really love someone, is a brave thing. If you're going to do it, then be quiet and do it. Stop dipping your toe in the water for the temp', b/c you say you love her and want to stay M. But you want to hammer her with the shame so she won't do it again....that's the exact opposite of what would motivate a woman to refrain from seeing an OM. She needs to feel loved AND respected by you. NOW. So dive in and get wet.

(( j ))