I am surprised at how well things went in the MC session last night. It was better than I had hoped for.
First, she talked about the observations she had made over the months of our progress. We both talked about the progress we see we've made.
Then I asked for some time to talk about the whole FF, bottom-lines & boundaries issue. I said that I was feeling very stuck when trying to discuss the subject with Wolfie. I said that--to me--it was a major crack in the foundation of our R and that I didn't want the old R, I wanted a new one with things like that addressed!
I laid it all out, what I saw as the patterns of behavior I see him do that leave him vulnerable to suddenly finding himself in situations he hadn't intended. I talked about how I saw all of this coming--but he would deny the problem, or deny that I had a right to expect him to change that behavior.
The MC, bless her heart, helped me to reframe some of this so that it wasn't making Wolfie so defensive. She told him that we BOTH had a right to expect actions that equal fidelity from each other. In a committed relationship, where there is an expectation of fidelity, it is ok to talk about defining those expectations. She said that didn't mean I was being "controlling" and she thought he was over-using that word anyway.
She said that it sounded like I thought that he was very naive about women in general and the whole ff thing. She said it sounded like I thought he had a blind spot about the whole issue. Surprisingly, he agreed and said he would bring that up with his individual counselor as something to work on. MC told him that was a good idea, because if he wanted our R, he couldn't afford to be naive about other women--as many women can be more coniving than he realizes and that makes him and our R vulnerable.
She said that, since we have both indicated that we want a better relationship and intended to stay together perminantly, that this ff blind spot thing constitutes a COMMON ENEMY so it deserves thought, discussion, and very clearly spelled-out boundaries!
She asked Wolfie what his "bottom-lines and expectations" of me were. He couldn't come up with any. He said he wasn't the "kind of person to put rules and regs into a R" and that "he'd never really thought about it much because he has always known that he could trust me 100%".
So....I took him down the line:
How would you feel if I had a guy friend that I didn't disclose? "No problem", he said.
How would you feel if you ran into me having lunch somewhere alone with this other guy and we seemed to be having an intimate conversation? "No problem", he said, he'd just join us.
OK, now say a few days later you happen on me holding hands with this other guy. "Problem", he says, that would concern him.
Ok, I tell him...I can take this all the way down the line to how would you feel if you found out that I was sleeping with the "other guy".
The MC said she wants us to write down, specifically, what our bottom lines and boundaries about fidelity are are and come back with that. I told Wolfie that if he has trouble thinking of his, he should continue thinking about the scenario of me and the "other guy" and pretend that he CAN'T take for granted that he can trust me and has to spell it all out for me. _______________________________________________________________
So...a big part of me is VERY happy that we are finally addressing this subject. I'm really appreciative that he's having an open mind enough to discuss this and is willing to talk about it without getting defensive or going into "rebellious teenager mode".
Another part of me is still amazed that he can be such a freaking BONEHEAD!!!!!!
