Sage, you can hijack my threads anytime. One of the most important things I get from this bb is what I learn from others, their situations, their experiences & perspectives.
I know you can relate, and I really empathize with your discomfort around ffs at law school. Where does our reluctance come from that we can't bring up the issue and talk about the discomfort with our spouses.
What would happen if you were to say to your H: "I want to trust you in your friendships with women. I don't want to have to spend any time worrying about it. It would like to know what your boundaries are in your friendships with women."
Doesn't it make sense to have a gameplan together on how to deal with issues like that? Does he have any expectations of boundaries with you concerning your friendships with men?
Yesterday, my counselor told me that, given how much preassure there is on marraiges in our time, and what seems like rampant EA/PA situations that start at work with co- worker/friends, that it is reasonable to talk in detail about boundaries/bottom lines/expectations with our spouses.
I know what my bottom lines are on this subject, but have you thought about where those lines are for yourself?
I know I have no control over what my H does or doesn't do, but I strongly believe I have the right to expect fidelity, and I need to be very specific about where the lines are drawn.
For example:
It's ok with me that he have ffs, but I want to know about them and the ongoing nature of the R.
It's ok to go out (for example) with a group of coworkers but not ok to be meeting women coworkers alone in bars, restarauts, etc.
It is not ok to have secret email buddies or cell phone buddies that are women.
It is not ok to talk to other women about me or about our R.
If the friendship begins to include a level of emotional intimacy that I would not be comfortable with if I knew about it, I want to know that he will see the red danger lights flashing, and hopefully even tell me about it.
According to my counselor, I don't have the right to have expectations that my partner will never make mistakes, but I have the right to hold that some kinds of mistakes will cause me to end the relationship. If my H thinks that having some bottom-line expectations is being "controlling"--so be it.
He has just as much right to have bottom line expectations of me regarding fidelity. Could be that to him, my having an EA wouldn't be that big of a deal, or maybe kissing another man wouldn't qualify as infidelity to him, only having sexual relations would. Me being unfaithful to my H would basically mean that I violated a commitment to him to by doing something that HE defines as being unfaithful.
Case in point....maybe Bill Clinton was able to compartmentalize recieving oral sex as not being unfaithful to his wife, but what really counts is whether or not his wife considered that as being unfaithful, right?
Now if my H had the idea that I should never speak to any man between the ages of 17 and 70...that I might consider that controlling.
I don't want to be in a R if I don't feel that I am afforded the right to expect fidelity, as I define it. I hope to have the kind of relationship where Wolfie and I can discuss such things like adults and as a team that is trying to consciously prevent destruction of our relationship.
