Can Two Alphas Live Together?

[sage]

Well, you know if you've read any of my r history that I can relate to this...

H had a single FF a few years ago and their r developed into a relationship that I was very uncomfortable with (mostly the "alone" time they spent together). We went to MC over it (among other things). He never seemed to understand that I didn't want him to END the friendship just integrate it better into the m/stop all the secrecy. He saw that as the be all and end all of controlling behavior! What finally broke was he went over to dinner at her apartment one night and the next MC I just broke down and said that I could deal with the extent of their r anymore and that I just needed to move on. He "seemed" to end it then and there (NOT what I was asking for!). Don't know for sure.

Then, of course, recent ow started out as a "friend". Their r. unfolded very differently...much more overt (group hanging out) in some ways but obviously VERY secret in others. She's married, too, though, so it's not just single folks.

Now h has been talking a lot about a woman at law school. I'd be lying if I said anything but sometimes my heart just sinks when he mentions her...not because I think there's anything going on (God forbid!) but because I just don't think I can relive the months and months of wondering re. ow. I guess I'm just living in the past.

I don't know what the right solution is for me or for you guys. I WISH that h would recognize and acknowledge how hard this is for me right now -- even saying something like "maybe you're worried that J and I will become too close..how can I help with that?" but that's the cheeseless tunnel of "wanting him to change". My current approach is to recognize a couple of things...first off that I AM reliving some of the past and that's where a lot of my anxiety is...and also that I have some behaviors around these friendships that probably doesn't help matters any. This IS the topic that keeps me up at night, though. I think the end solution for me will just be to constantly remind myself that I can't control h and that he (and only he) is responsible for his fidelity...I won't be able to control him and his r's. But I can control me and what I decide I can live with, no? That may not feel like a tenable solution for you, though.

Anyway...nice thread hijack, huh?

I guess my suggestion would be to articulate that you see you and Wolfie at polarized positions right now and ask if you can work on some sort of compromise/win-win situation where you feel comfortable with the level of intimacy he develops with ow and he doesn't feel controlled.

Let me know how you do it

Sage