Well, I'm struggling with how I want to say the things I want to say in MC tonight.
Several years before the bomb, I found a printed out email (I still wonder if he left it accidently on purpose for me to find). The email was to an old ff from high school. They had obviously been having some fairly emotionally intimate conversations via email and instant messaging. In the email, he talked about loving his family, loving me, but sometimes wanting this solitude thing and part of that was that he "missed being with different women".
We had a big blow-out after that. It wasn't just the content of the email, but the fact that he was having these discussions with a single ff that he hadn't told me about. I felt very betrayed and insisted that we see a counselor, which we did a few times. I said that I saw a pattern of behavior that, if continued, would lead to him sabotaging our R and being unfaithful. Supposably, all that was discussed and resolved at that time.
When the bomb blew this last January, I started checking to see how big and how deep the betrayal had been. Not only had the internet R with the first woman continued all of this time, but there were one or two others. The emails referenced cell phone conversations between them too. At one point, I called one of the women, explained who I was, and asked what exactly was the nature of her relationship with my spouse.
She told me that they were just friends, and that they talked occasionally. She said that he told her "all about me" and talked about how much he loved me and that I was beautiful, etc. I told her that I was very uncomfortable with him having secret Rs with female friends and that one had led to him being unfaithful.
Wolfie seems to be oblivious to the fact that he set himself up to be unfaithful with this behavior. I want him to be VERY CLEAR on the fact that it is unacceptable to me that he have undisclosed, overly-intimate Rs with single women, then say, "opps--I don't know how THAT got out of hand".
When I try to discuss this, he seems to think that it is all about me wanting to monitor him, put his every move under a microscope, and be suspicious of him all the time.
What I want is just the opposite. I want to be able to trust that he will have the maturity, loyalty, integrity and honesty not to continue that behavior. I don't want to feel that I have to check up on him. I want to know that he GETS IT and that I can trust him.
I want to be very clear about the fact that it is absolutely unacceptable to me if he has "secret pockets" in his life where this behavior occurs and that if he wants to be with me, he's got to quit playing with fire before he burns the whole house down.
As I said, I'm trying to figure out how to express all of this in MC tonight. Any suggestions or feedback would be very much appreciated.
