No, it's definitely NOT easy, Glam. But, it's doable, especially when you the support of friends who care and with whom you can be honest, and whom you can trust will be honest with you.
Thank you for being one of those for me, Glam! It is much appreciated!!! Really!!!
[[[[[]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
C with H and S17 was tough. S17 was really cocky and then showed a LOT of anger, mostly toward H. I tried to share some thoughts in a more constructive manner about how the past year has been a lot of pressure and change for S17, and the things I said were difficult for H to hear I know, but I felt it needed to be said.
H contended that S17 always pushed limits and was difficult to motivate. This is true, but it has escalated alarmingly in the past year. Then H said he didn't want to talk so much about why it happened but what needs to be done and how to fix it.
S17 then said that of course that's what H wants. S17 then accused H of deflecting, and H asked why S had never said any of this before, and S told him it was because he knew H would brush it away. H asked when he ever brushed anything away, and S17 said "You always blow everything off just like you did with Mom!" H said "When?!" And S17 said "With OW!! You were telling Mom that you would work on the M, but you had no intention to and were chasing OW!" H said "I did tell C early on that I wanted a D!" Then I had to call him on that by asking C if he was telling me the truth back in November when the afair came out, that H had never actually said he wanted a D, nor told C about the affair in the whole 6 months of IC with H.
Well, then H got up and said "I'm not doing this!" and walked out (although it was the end of the hour anyway). S17 jumped up and said "Yea why do you get to walk away, yet you won't let me!" Then S17 took off out of the building. I was crying, so I went to the bathroom to clean up. When I came out, H was coming out of the men's room and his eyes were red. I told that whether he believed it or not, I was not trying to lay blame. I only wanted honesty so we could have full understanding and learn everything we can from this. H didn't reply.
We went out and found S17 in the parking lot. H asked me to have some time with him. At first I suggested giving him some space, but he wouldn't listen, so I waited in the car while they talked. When S17 came back to the care I told him I was proud of him for being honest. I asked if things were OK with him and his Dad, and he said "No, not really, there's too much to fix in a short time." He didn't elaborate any more really.
S17 and I talked a lot in the car on the way home. About his childhood. About relationships. About drugs. About all kinds of things. He confessed a lot of things. He used to sneak out of the house and take the car when he was 14!! I asked why he did this! He said because it made him feel free. When he was growing up, our lives were so wrapped around D24 because of her "handicap" that S17 I think often felt overlooked. So, he found ways to just quietly get a little of his own back. We're lucky he didn't get hurt. But, I am hoping that this is a good thing that he seems to have really opened up some, and I hope this bodes well for his future sessions with C.
I do have some concern that I shared too much with him about my feelings about my M and H's behavior. I have really tried to keep him out of the middle, and not share any of those feelings, but today, it just seemed like the floodgates opened and a lot of stuff came pouring out. I hope I didn't make too big a mistake in that.........S17 did tell me that H's co-worker has tried to "set up" H with her sister "like 8 times" and Saturday was when it finally came together......H has told him all about it!
And, just for the cherry on top of my day.....D24 called while we were on the way home and wanted to come over to print up a couple of her resumes on my computer. I told her we'd pick her up, and when we got there, S17 went and pouned on her door. She didn't answer. I called on her cell and told her we were there. We then waited for 5 minutes and she didn't show or call, so I drove away. She called after I was about a mile down the road and asked what happened. I told her that I was not her chaufer and she should have been ready. (She does this all the time.) My daughter then called me a bi**h and hung up on me!
Yep, something really crappy in the karma today!
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
wow, you've had a busy and stressful week already. (((SC)))
I'm glad your S17 has opened up to you...even though it was bad stuff, it's good he let you know, try to keep that level of communication open. Sometimes when we open our own feelings out, they may feel more inclined to let out theirs. perhaps?
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
I think the C session went very well. If anything, your son got to let it out and your H had to listen.
Do not be alarmed by what you have told your son when you had your talk in the car. Sometimes, these kids can surprise you with what they say. I know, because my son has been there for me, too, and not that I wanted to put him in the middle of any of this but H admitted to the kids the same day I found out about the A that he was having an affair. Imagine my kids--all of them cried and cried as did H.
All things happen for a reason and I do think there were positives in your day.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I know exactly how you feel....today is 1 year since H moved out and my stomach is just churning....I can't believe a year has passed so fast...I know in the beginning of all this I thought he would wake up and come home in a few weeks and then the bombs and the hurt kept coming...I knew in my heart he wouldn't come home...
I have NEVER called the OW..Ohhh I've wanted to but I have been the bigger person in all this...they both know what they did was wrong..let them fight the demons....
Anyway....you're not alone...hang in there....
(((hugs)))
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I spoke to a police officer about this a few years back and he asked me: Do you provide him shelter and food and are you his legal guardian and of course I said yes, both my h and I are and he said that because he was underage I really could not do that.
Really, when you think about kicking out a 17 year old kid, where is he going to go? This economy sucks and for a kid to be out on his own (could be a good life lesson BUT...) it's it is your choice.
Your son will get thru this phase but it will take some time.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
Thank you so much, my Friends, for care and compassion for me. I know I am truly blessed to have people like you all in my life!
Originally Posted By: S.T._I Made It!
... Sometimes when we open our own feelings out, they may feel more inclined to let out theirs. perhaps?
I hadn't thought of that but perhaps that's true. I just don't want my son to feel in the middle or like he has to take sides. He is obviously a very sensitive kid, and it's not fair to burden him with our adult stuff. However, it's true that, especially with older kids, it is inevitable that they are somewhat in the middle because they love us both and are very much affected by the sitch. So, in trying to keep him out of it, he has said that he sometimes feels like we think hes just a stupid kid and his opinions mean nothing. It's a balance I have to find.......
Originally Posted By: MidwesternGirl
....when you think about kicking out a 17 year old kid, where is he going to go?
I know!!! The truth is I could never actually "kick out" either of my kids. I have told them on rare occaisions that if they want to behave like a jerk, they can go somewhere else, but it's always voiced as their choice. But the truth is that I have told both my kids that so long as there is breath in my body, I could never willingly allow my child (or any family member) to "sleep on a park bench". That's just NOT in my make-up.
H seems to be able to turn his emotions off, and I have often envied him that, but I just don't have that ability.
Also, there is a CRC (Crisis Residential Center) near where I live, that is exactly for this type of thing. We had to make use of it a couple times in D24's teenage years. It is a home whereby parents can take their child for a 3 day stay, and you must have counseling regarding the situation before they are allowed to come home. It's a good program.
Originally Posted By: Treese
...I have NEVER called the OW.....
It wasn't the OW I wanted to call. It was a co-worker friend of H's that has been pushing to fix him up with her sister!!
Actually, last night ended on an up note. H called S17 and they talked some more. I over heard some of it, and was very proud of S17. At one point he told H that parenthood doesn't end at 18, it should be forever "like in the move Parenthood". S said that H's response was that life wasn't a movie......but then S17 said something strange. He said "Mom, Dad doesn't necessarily want you to move on." So, I asked what do you mean. He said he didn't want to break H's confidence, but he said that "Dad still cares for you very much and he wants to have you in his life, but he just can't see himself married to you anymore because he likes to drink and go out with the guys and you don't like that." S17 then said "He doesn't want you to just drop him and never talk to him again."
I didn't ask more questions because I didn't want to "grill him", although I would have love to hear if H actually said these things or if this was just S17's opinion. S17 has in the past been telling me that I should move on, and that H will never come back, so I don't know what to make of this.
Then I thought of something else. Yesterday, when H came into the C's office, he had a bag of stuff that he said was for me. It was a new cell phone and accessories. He said he got it on e-bay for $29. He said that I could give my old razor to S17 and I could have the new one. S17's phone has a broken screen. This is funny because H has been trying to get me to agree to take away S17's cell phone altogether, but I balked at that, because I don't like not being able to call him if I need or don't know where he is.
I didn't really think much about it at the time H gave it to me because I was preoccupied with the conversation I had had in the car with S17 on the way to C, and anticipatihng how C was going to go.......but, now I'm thinking.....so he went on e-bay and had to specifically look for phone.....for me.......when my phone works just fine.
Also, last night we firmed up plans for the weekend. I am taking Thursday and Friday off, and I am taking S17, his friend SS16, and my brother, and we are going up to the dream house to play in the snow!! Fun, Fun, Fun!
So, I am feeling much better today!!
[[[[[[[[[[My DB Friends!]]]]]]]]]]
TJ
Me45,H49 D24,S18 M26,T28 Bomb 3/19/08 Sep 6/23/08 EA/PA with Secretary 2007-8 3/2009 H moved in w/OW2 7/2009 Let him go w/Love. 8/2009 Legally Sep'd
Hey S, dont be too hard on yourself. You have an awful lot on your plate and you are doing the best you can.
I dont think you said anything wrong in C. In order for your son to be helped the C needs to know what his truth is, how he feels about what is happening. So, you gave an honest account. Nothing wrong with that.
I know we try as hard as we could to keep our sons out of the middle of this. But I am thinking that the way I handle it, not speaking about it at all is the wrong thing. You speak the truth to your son without badmouthing your h, nothing wrong with that either.
I would take what s thinks h feels about you in his life as his interpretation. Might be the truth or some variation.
Getting you that cell phone was a sign h thinks of you and he cares.
Take care of you and your son. Keep talking with him. He listens more than you think.
I asked why he did this! He said because it made him feel free. When he was growing up, our lives were so wrapped around D24 because of her "handicap" that S17 I think often felt overlooked. So, he found ways to just quietly get a little of his own back. We're lucky he didn't get hurt. But, I am hoping that this is a good thing that he seems to have really opened up some, and I hope this bodes well for his future sessions with C. 
