He calls and starts yelling and cussing a bit that I "didn't state outright what was bothering me but instead stewed about it for a couple of days and then leave a mean voice-mail".
Asks "is he supposed to read my mind--how was he supposed to know he'd hit a nerve?" And "why didn't I ask what he meant, like the counselor has been telling us to do--but I didn't do that. He only meant to keep the PO Box for a little while until his checks came in and a few other things he was expecting that he didn't want to have delayed".
"No big deal, he won't keep the box", he says in a snotty kindof way.
Well--he's right in some ways, I did make some big assumptions, and I didn't check to see what he meant about the PO Box or why or for how long. I expected him to "get it" when I talked all around the subject--but not directly to the point. That really wasn't fair to him and I did appologize about that.
But still said yes, it was a big deal to me about the PO box and was shocked as hell that he'd even consider it or think it might be ok somehow. I said I didn't appreciate him getting snotty about it or be condescending or ridicule my feeling about the subject.
I said it took me a couple days to even put into words why I was upset, and instead of blasting him, I'd just asked him to consider some questions to come up with his own conclusions.
He said it sounded like I was being controlling when I asked those questions.
I said I'd like him to realize that I am trying to do better, even if I don't do it well all the time. I am trying to tell him when something really bothers me instead of just hold it inside like I used to.
Why did I not talk to him before, he wanted to know.
I told him that if something like the PO Box question had come up a year ago or two years ago--and I had objected, he would have very likely:
1. Told me I had no reason to think like that or feel like that and 2. He'd just do it anyway.
That left me feeling like: 1. My feeling were dismissed as silly and unimportant and 2. I had no say in things, he'd do whatever he thought was right without considering me, and 3. That I would have to resort to a screaming, crying fit and a 2x4 across his head to have him listen to me or take what I was saying seriously.
So...he asks if that was really how he treated me, and then answered himself--yes, he really had treated me that way and was so sorry. He said that had been pretty disrespectful and CONTROLLING of him.
He said that he's kind of a bonehead in many ways and wished I spell things out for him...like A, B, C, D, instead of saying A through D. When it comes to women and relationships, he has no clue about what's between A and D unless I explain it very specifically. (This made me think of PoePad )
He brought up that he had not been using the mutual decision making we have agreed to use about this whole separation thing either. He said he realized that it had been very hard on me and really added to my anxiety level. He apologized for that to.
He asked if he could come meet me at work the next day and should he bring chocolate and Advil (code talk for "I think you may be having some PMS")
I said, "make that chocolate coated Advil", but I know I'll feel the same about the PO Box thing next week.
He said it was something he'd said off the top of his head with no idea that he was hitting a nerve and he had no "evil master plan to hurt me or pi$$ me off". _____________________________________________________________
So...all in all, it went ok. I was doing some old crap by not checking out what he meant by the planning to keep a PO box comment. I made assumptions about what he meant. I made assumptions that I had to act in a somewhat ballistic way because that used to be what I'd have to do to get his attention (expected the "old" behavior). I forgot that he's a very lineal thinker and I really do have to spell things like this out for him--cuz of the bonehead guy thing. I expect him to understand what I'm talking about when I talk AROUND an issue.
He also saw ways that he had treated me before that trained me to have to do something dramatic to get him to even listen. I think he's even seeing that I acted controlling sometimes because I felt that I very little power in our relationship. ___________________________________________________________
I am feeling bad that I got myself convinced to consider ending this relationship. That's not really ok. Even though he was pretty angry at him--he didn't say, "oh forget it, this isn't worth it", and I wish I hadn't let my mind go there.
Everyone of these mini-crisis episodes has been frightening and painful, but quite a bit of good seems to come out of it.
)
