T24now, ok...spooky...I did the same thing by setting a time limit (our annaversary, in fact). I have hung in there for another 2 1/2 months because I thought we were making progress.
I am willing to listen to whatever he has to say about my questions, but...
I keep wondering if I have been trying to make it with a good man who loves me but is incapable of having a relationship....
Kindof how some women fall in love with gay guys.....
who try to be straight, but just aren't hardwired that way.
Wolfie could very well be wired to be a Lone Wolf.
Then again, maybe he'll realize he made a big bonehead mistake and think better of the PO Box thing. Maybe things will be much different if he finally goes on the anti-d's (as he says he will and made an appointment for next week). Maybe I'm making too much of all of this because I've got PMS.
regarding the "time limit" of h moving home... do you see signs that he is slowly moving home? bringing and leaving more of his "stuff" there...staying extra nights...etc?
I honestly don't know when it was that my h moved home..I know that he didn't totally clear out his apartment until his dad moved into it I think back in may...it was frustrating having him just come here when he chose too..watching him bring his laundry basket..me thinking..ok is he moving home now..only to have him do his laundry and then take it with him...the most frustrating was when we'd go out and he'd wear something that had been left here and to see him take it back to the apartment with his laundry as if he wasn't comming home but slowly moving everything out..arrrgg!
it's good to have an idea in mind as to when your door will no longer be wide open...I know that my fuse was short and honestly I don't know how I lasted as long as I did he started comming around late sept early oct and the apt wasn't cleared out til may and I tend to think the only reason it got cleared out was because his dad wanted or needed it..because it had been sitting for a while and h gave me the "I've been planning on getting rid of it for a while, this is not some means to keep it"
you can only wait as long as you can wait and if you've already disgussed a time frame with h and that has passed perhaps it is time to re address it...but in a way that is not finger pointing at him...keep in mind though the two of you made the "agreement" right now it is your home and he may need you to ask...and ask is all you can do.
I agree-we need to post the good, bad and ugly!! It helps us all get through our day to day sitch's.
Tal-I'm sure that this is not the first time you've felt at the end of your rope--hang on!! You've made the step in communicating to your H your feelings--wait and see what he replies back with and then go from there! Be strong-remember you rock!!! We will anxiously await the posting to bring us up to speed on his reply to your voicemail!
No LL--we didn't discuss the annaversary timeframe. Just like T24now, I had a end-date that he wasn't aware of.
Actually, I decided to be more flexible because of something you told me about how if I waited, at least I'd know that he was READY to come home.
I also thought we were making progress.
About leaving things there--somewhat, but not alot. Mostly it's comments like "pretty soon, we'll be going home together after an MC session". Vauge things like that.
In a way, I almost wish I had gotten a laundry list of complaints about things he wanted me to work on.
The only thing he's ever told me is 1. that I can be a bit "controlling" on certain subjects (but admits that he can too). 2. that sometimes I nag him (like about making Dr's. appointments (but admits he does that to me too). 3. that he wants me to make an effort to consult with him (making joint decisions). 4. that he wishes he understood why I react the way I do about things sometimes.
He's told me repeatedly that his depression, need for "solitude", the A, this separation have very little to do with me.
I want to think that if I change this way or that way...do this or that...that I can effect the outcome and not feel so powerless.
He keeps telling me that all this has been about there being something wrong with HIM that HE needs to fix if he can.
Maybe I need to start taking that more seriously--like I said before, maybe I'm like one of those women that falls in love with a gay guy...no matter how much love is involved--it just doesn't work.
Quote: Actually, I decided to be more flexible because of something you told me about how if I waited, at least I'd know that he was READY to come home.
I know what I said and I'm not at all changing what I said...
BUT some kind of time frame has to be set..the vaugness can't go on forever...can it?
I don't want you to do what I did and make a big stink about it every so often...but try to find a way to discuss it with him...let him know that you'd like some "plan" no pressure just that you'd like to have an idea as to when you will actually be living as h and wife...that is unless you can go on waiting til dawn lights on his wolfie head...wich I know I couldn't.
I do have to wonder though...if I didn't make such a stink about it would h still be living in his apartment part time as well?? would I still be tolerating it?
What IS with everyone worrying about bumming others out? IF our posts DO have such an effect, it's likely touching a deep chord in that person's own heart that perhaps needed a poke!
If we feel extra vulnerable, we should do as LL does and just read our own threads, bask in the attention and focus on our own stuff for a while.
Tal, the PO box thing is whacked! If CJ wanted such a thing, or had any "secret" place, credit cards etc, it would be very hard for me to trust.
Tal, the stuff your H's counsellor keeps coming back to me. There ARE people with borderline versions of personality disorders who really ARE wired to be loners!
I'm not saying Wolfie's one, but it sure would explain some of his ambivalence...he WANTS love and closeness...but feels confined by it at the same time.
This truly WOULD make it HIS problem, and thus his responsibility to make a choice and stick with it. The pathway of growth and joy, IMHO is the path forward with you...the pathway of withdrawal, comfort, solitude and later despair, lays in the other direction.
YOU have the responsibility to look after YOUR best interests...what YOUR soul needs.
Hi T thanks for dropping by my thread a while ago. I sometimes feel my M is one great big power struggle and some of what I've read of your sitch really hits home with me. You certainly are no DB failure (maybe a little bit frustrated one right now)and don't worry about bumming any body out I think it's important to feel the range of all the emotions (and normal too) for if you don't you are not truly living life! Take care C.
He calls and starts yelling and cussing a bit that I "didn't state outright what was bothering me but instead stewed about it for a couple of days and then leave a mean voice-mail".
Asks "is he supposed to read my mind--how was he supposed to know he'd hit a nerve?" And "why didn't I ask what he meant, like the counselor has been telling us to do--but I didn't do that. He only meant to keep the PO Box for a little while until his checks came in and a few other things he was expecting that he didn't want to have delayed".
"No big deal, he won't keep the box", he says in a snotty kindof way.
Well--he's right in some ways, I did make some big assumptions, and I didn't check to see what he meant about the PO Box or why or for how long. I expected him to "get it" when I talked all around the subject--but not directly to the point. That really wasn't fair to him and I did appologize about that.
But still said yes, it was a big deal to me about the PO box and was shocked as hell that he'd even consider it or think it might be ok somehow. I said I didn't appreciate him getting snotty about it or be condescending or ridicule my feeling about the subject.
I said it took me a couple days to even put into words why I was upset, and instead of blasting him, I'd just asked him to consider some questions to come up with his own conclusions.
He said it sounded like I was being controlling when I asked those questions.
I said I'd like him to realize that I am trying to do better, even if I don't do it well all the time. I am trying to tell him when something really bothers me instead of just hold it inside like I used to.
Why did I not talk to him before, he wanted to know.
I told him that if something like the PO Box question had come up a year ago or two years ago--and I had objected, he would have very likely:
1. Told me I had no reason to think like that or feel like that and 2. He'd just do it anyway.
That left me feeling like: 1. My feeling were dismissed as silly and unimportant and 2. I had no say in things, he'd do whatever he thought was right without considering me, and 3. That I would have to resort to a screaming, crying fit and a 2x4 across his head to have him listen to me or take what I was saying seriously.
So...he asks if that was really how he treated me, and then answered himself--yes, he really had treated me that way and was so sorry. He said that had been pretty disrespectful and CONTROLLING of him.
He said that he's kind of a bonehead in many ways and wished I spell things out for him...like A, B, C, D, instead of saying A through D. When it comes to women and relationships, he has no clue about what's between A and D unless I explain it very specifically. (This made me think of PoePad )
He brought up that he had not been using the mutual decision making we have agreed to use about this whole separation thing either. He said he realized that it had been very hard on me and really added to my anxiety level. He apologized for that to.
He asked if he could come meet me at work the next day and should he bring chocolate and Advil (code talk for "I think you may be having some PMS")
I said, "make that chocolate coated Advil", but I know I'll feel the same about the PO Box thing next week.
He said it was something he'd said off the top of his head with no idea that he was hitting a nerve and he had no "evil master plan to hurt me or pi$$ me off". _____________________________________________________________
So...all in all, it went ok. I was doing some old crap by not checking out what he meant by the planning to keep a PO box comment. I made assumptions about what he meant. I made assumptions that I had to act in a somewhat ballistic way because that used to be what I'd have to do to get his attention (expected the "old" behavior). I forgot that he's a very lineal thinker and I really do have to spell things like this out for him--cuz of the bonehead guy thing. I expect him to understand what I'm talking about when I talk AROUND an issue.
He also saw ways that he had treated me before that trained me to have to do something dramatic to get him to even listen. I think he's even seeing that I acted controlling sometimes because I felt that I very little power in our relationship. ___________________________________________________________
I am feeling bad that I got myself convinced to consider ending this relationship. That's not really ok. Even though he was pretty angry at him--he didn't say, "oh forget it, this isn't worth it", and I wish I hadn't let my mind go there.
Everyone of these mini-crisis episodes has been frightening and painful, but quite a bit of good seems to come out of it.
Quote: Everyone of these mini-crisis episodes has been frightening and painful, but quite a bit of good seems to come out of it.
Is that why most couples have arguements?
We never really argued before.
I'd have to say yes, for the most part...only it seems that I felt more of the "good" in those arguments than CJ did in the past...now it generally does bring important issues to light and ease growing tensions for us both.
SOOO glad the PO box was not as much of a threat as you ASSumed, Tal. You know, Wolfie may well be borderline with social relationships, but clearly the guy WANTS to do better and if you have to spell it out for him...DO IT..
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