It seems to be working! Sometimes....

[Silent Chrleader]

So on this day of reflection I learned it's better to not reflect.

AND

The most important thing I should be doing this year on these "special" dates is making new wonderful memories so next year if I were to reflect on this day it would be a happy one. I hope and I pray that I get the chance to change that tide for today and the rest of our days together.

Wise words, sandycay!!!!!

And I consider yours is definitely a success story! Success is in the journey, not the destination. And since you AND your H are still on the journey and haven't given up, then you are already a success.

I envy you!

Hopefully I'll see ya' tomorrow....??!!

[[[[[[[[[[hugs]]]]]]]]]]

[Tomato]

Hi sandyc

I have missed ya.

You have achieved alot in this 1 year span (and I am sure that as a passive onlooker I don't even come close to knowing the half of it). It is amazing what can be made to happen on the heals of such devastation when we are firmly attached to the Lord.

Only other thing I wanted to not hold back on sharing is that I think it is not right that we live in a world where sadness is very nearly condemned. I don't like it. Sadness is an emotion just like any other one. It is a vital emotion. It ought not be condemned the way that I feel it is. All these pharm Co.'s are like trying to outlaw it or make you feel like you must not ever be sad. All I got to say about that is BS.

Now, a prolonged and escalating sadness is surely a cause for concern and would need to be dealt with professionally. Don't know if your H's is acute sadness or chronic sadness?


Walk in the Way of the Lord and be happy that He cares for you and loves you as He does.


T

[mindfull]

Sandy:

I'm in Newcomers under "I 'think' this may be working, but I'm not sure..." Our thread names are similar, and yours is in Piecing... That's why I was drawn to yours!! (And, you're a female!)

I posted about our anniversary. Good day.

I'll keep checking in. I like your upbeat mood. No more gloom and doom! PMA!

[sandycay]

I don't even know how to begin this post. My heart is breaking and I think my head is cracking
Long Story:
H left town yesterday for two weeks. Last night after talking on the phone and he was on his way to dinner my phone rang again. Well his phone had called me back unbeknownst to him.... You all see where this is going. There are different areas of heart break that I over heard. I list what I heard and how H responded when I ask about it. I desperately need input because my head is spinning:

1st thing I heard was a bit garballed (sp?) I couldn't really tell who was saying what but here's what the jist of it. J the other guy (married) said something to the effect of "I just want to go hang out or talk to other women" and my H said some thing to the effect of "me too". There were missed words in both of the phrases that came out of there mouths but that was the jist.

H tells me at first he doesn't remember this part of the conversation, later he recants and says he can't remember exaclty what was said, then says he can't control what J says or does, but he has not intention of doing anything wrong. he didnt do anything wrong. Later after much pressing he admits something to the effect of what was said and said he was just mouthing off and he really didn't know how to respond to J.

I feel this is BS and if he hadn't got caught he might have gone out flirting with OW.


2nd thing I heard was them talking about an affair at their work place and my H says "well she's not that cute anyway, certainly not cute enough to ruin a marriage, there are plenty of cuter girls in that office". Some of the words in between were again not clear....so I don't know what was said then

Upon questioning him on that he said that I didn't get the whole context of the convesation. He was saying it was wrong because they work in the same office. They needed to change offices. Just kept saying I must have missed everything he was saying.

Again this is not what I would expect my H to say in response to an affair at his workplace.


Here is the last one....H then started saying something about how he had F&cked up his life and that she hurt and messed him up worse than anyone ever had. He then said and I quote " What did I do? I ran home like a f*ucking P*ssy. Because I was hurting and didn't know what else to do. Man, just like a f*cking p*ssy.

I hung up then because I could bear it no more. When I called to tell him I heard all this... he told me he does miss her, then recants and says he doesn't miss "her" he misses that feeling. That excitement. He still wants us. He says it's getting better. Now if you've been following along you know I have had concerns about this for a few months and have point blank ask him about it. He has denied (lied) that it had anything to do with her.

My head says run away based on the first thing I overheard what else evidence do I need that he is acting inappropriately when he is not here. He denies he has done anything. I will add that in his conversation about OW to this guy he did insinuate that there had been no contact.

[BobbiJo]

Sandy

I am not sure what to tell you so I have been thinking about it for a while before posting. I do know that men (and maybe women too, I am just thinking of men here) sometimes get in pi$$ing contests with each other, esp. with coworkers.

What I mean is, he may have said some of that stuff just to look "tough" in front of his coworker. Doesn't make it right, but doesn't mean he doesn't really want to be with you, either. I am sure his coworkers knew he had moved out and was with OW, right? And I am sure he told them quite a story to justify that to himself...so he is trying to downplay moving back home.

Don't know if that makes sense, I just mean a lot of times guys have to make excuses for their actions to try and save face in front of other guys...

And his comments about the other affair at work? In our minds it would be the appropriate time to say, "I made that mistake and it was a horrible decision, (co-worker) should stop now" or something like that. But since HE had an affair he prob. feels he would be a hypocrite to judge the other person. (My H said as much once when I was criticizing OW, he said it was hard to get mad at her for it b/c he had done the same thing)

Anyway maybe I am way off the mark here but sometimes guys just b.s. with each other....

[Silent Chrleader]

Hey, sandycay!!

I'm really sorry you are hurting today!! I think it's something in the karma, because I am feeling crappy myself!

FWIW, I will share my thoughts.....:

.... J the other guy (married) said something to the effect of "I just want to go hang out or talk to other women" and my H said some thing to the effect of "me too". There were missed words in both of the phrases that came out of there mouths but that was the jist.

This does sound to me like juvenile male BS. They think it means nothing, and it probably doesn't, but I understand your concern given your H's recent history. It make you feel like he is treating a very harmful subject very cavalierly and that's scary. But, remember who he is talking to. Guys are not going to discuss Real Feelings with each other!!! That's major taboo!!

.... I feel this is BS and if he hadn't got caught he might have gone out flirting with OW.

Well, unfortunately we can't convict on what might have
happened........case in point.....Iraq!

.... 2nd thing I heard was them talking about an affair at their work place and my H says "well she's not that cute anyway, certainly not cute enough to ruin a marriage, there are plenty of cuter girls in that office". .......Just kept saying I must have missed everything he was saying..........
Again this is not what I would expect my H to say in response to an affair at his workplace.

Again, yes this sounds a bit cavalier for a guy with his recent history, but remember who he is talking to.....another juvenile delinquent man!

....Here is the last one....H then started saying something about how he had F&cked up his life and that she hurt and messed him up worse than anyone ever had. He then said and I quote " What did I do? I ran home like a f*ucking P*ssy. Because I was hurting and didn't know what else to do. Man, just like a f*cking p*ssy.

OK, Youch!!!...... But this is not uncommon at all for an man who had an affair, especially an MLCer (which I suspect your H is). Yellowrose is a veteran on these boards who was seperated from her H 3 years (he lived with OW for 2 yrs), and they have made it through to the other side and now have a great M. Her H did not even say ILY to here until a year after he came home, and he only recently put his ring back on. Even after he was back home, he would voice guilt about how he left the OW!!!

This is a normal, if painful, process. It does NOT mean your H doesn't love you or is not committed to re-building a M with you. It is all just part of the grab bag of emotions and thoughts he has inside him that will take time to work through. The key is understanding and patience!! [And believe me, I know how very tough that is!!!! I fall short a LOT!!!]

....... says he doesn't miss "her" he misses that feeling. That excitement.

Of course he does! He's human!

....... He still wants us. He says it's getting better.

Hang on to this!!!

....... He has denied (lied) that it had anything to do with her.

Of course he does this because he is afraid of hurting you, and/or losing you! He needs you to show him that you can handle his honesty even if it is hurtful......it's tough situations like this one where you have the opportunity to show him this.

.......what else evidence do I need that he is acting inappropriately when he is not here....... I will add that in his conversation about OW to this guy he did insinuate that there had been no contact.

I don't think this is evidence of "acting" inappropriately. It is concerning and worth discussion given the history, mostly because, he is holding these feelings in and not sharing them, and that will not aid either of you in building an open fulfilling connected R.

Remember, it took a long time and a lot of different things on both side to break apart your M.....it will take a long time and a lot of effort to put it together again.

But it's worth the effort, and I really think you will make it!!! Show him what a warm strong compassionate friend he has in you!! He needs you!!

JMHO......

[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]

[BobbiJo]

I wanted to check back in on you. I hope you realize that I am not trying to minimize your feelings. They are your feelings and I am sure this hurts! It would make me sick at my stomach.

When I was a snoop last year and read H's texts, there were some between him and his boss and another coworker. They made some pretty inappropriate comments. When I asked H about them, he said he didn't really mean that stuff and was embarrassed by some of it, but "What am I supposed to do when my boss says that stuff? I don't want to lose my job"...

Anyway it doesn't excuse him for being such an insensitive jerk. Of course he didn't mean for you to hear what he said, I am sure he wouldn't have said those things in front of you. But guys say and do stupid stuff when they get together sometimes. Not ALL guys, but in particular professions I think it is more common for some reason. I know the meat business is very sexist (the only women in the office are usually secretaries not salespeople), and I suppose your H's business is too?

I really do think a lot of that is just blowing smoke, not real intentions....But I understand you being upset by it all the same.
Now had he said, "I am going to call up OW and try to hang out with her", that would be unacceptable. Or if he was telling co-worker about an actual experience he had or was planning to have with another woman, same thing. This sounds more like posturing....

Take care hon

[ernest88]

Interesting..interesting indeed..so you heard this over a cell phone convo...a snafu'ed 3 way call...Hmmmmm..interesting..anyway..I can see where it might be posturing or male BS as it was referred too.. I also see no harm in keeping an eye out for a bit given your H's history..

trust but verify

I can also see it from the other side..men talk about their conquests all the time with each other..men also talk about their feelings ladies..some of us anyway..I've got a buddy..hard core playa..never been married..fell for a girl..got crushed..playa cried on my shoulder for weeks..so we do discuss our feelings..

[smith18]

Was your H at all upset that you listened in when his phone accidently re-dialed you? If he was, then that would be more of an indicator that some of what he was saying with the other guy had some truth. Otherwise, if he understood your feelings about what you heard, then you might just want to chalk this up as guy talk.

You have a set back in your trust now. Is your H willing to continue to work so as to regain it?

[Silent Chrleader]

......playa cried on my shoulder for weeks..so we do discuss our feelings..

Of course I didn't mean to offend, M!! But you have to admit, YOU and the other men on these boards are SPECIAL!!!

[[[[HUGS]]]]