My wife, of course, gave me the same line. I asked her "Let's assume for a moment that's true, even though (and I looked her squarely in the eyes for emphasis) we both know that's not true. But let's assume he's just a friend. Are you telling me that you're placing your friendship ahead of your husband? Because if the situation were reversed, and I knew it was a dealbreaker for you, I would honor your request."
Methinks she doth protest too greatly. I'm glad you're protecting yourself. Just try not to say or do anything that's irrevocable -- leave the door open.
Puppy gives good advice. Don't close the door and don't make the mistake I made which was to hurt her back. Protect yourself and limit contact, but unless you're sure, which I'm almost positive you're not this early in the game, don't close the door. It is very important point that Puppy makes regarding her choosing a "friend" over her husband. My W did the same thing; that's the first sign that there is far more there than just friendship. There's no one, including my own parents, who I would choose over my W. But the difference is that I still love my W, and she doesn't feel that way back. Your W is in a fog and you're right, nothing you say at this point will penetrate through her wall. Don't jump the gun and assume she's been physical, especially since you had such access to her convos and didn't see anything saying that. I think that's good proof that this may be an EA, but that doesn't really change the impact it will have on M. EAs are far more damaging than PAs. Stop snooping--it won't do you any good and it will likely only make her want to draw closer to the OM. I made so many mistakes early on in this that I don't want you to make as well. Let her know what she's walking away from. GAL, take care of yourself, and do your best to be the more attractive option (and I don't mean appearance, as women generally don't value that). Good luck.
Hey WP, by "hurt her back" do you mean that you had an affair to get revenge? The thought certainly crossed my mind, but I decided against it. I'm trying to take the high road here, but I admit that it was tempting. I think that revenge is a natural reaction when you've been hurt, and not everyone is strong enough to repress that urge and do the right thing. It actually takes more strength than I thought I had in me to take the high road like I have. But so far, so good.
I've completely stopped snooping and have been GAL big time. Part of me laying down this boundary and detaching was to force myself to GAL and worry about me for a change. Because I spent the past few months worrying all about her and what I could do to make her happy and fix this. Of course that was when I didn't know about the EA and what I was up against.
So I'm not going to say or do anything that completely shuts the door. I'm just letting her know that I'm not going to keep spinning my wheels with her as long as this OM is in the picture. If she wants to really commit to seeing if we can make this work, then I'm here. But I'm NOT going to be here if I'm between her and the OM.
As for the legal separation aspect, that's for my own peace of mind. I'm not the kind of guy who can go on for a couple years in this limbo world, and I need to be fully prepared for any outcome. I'd hate to be in this separation for a year or so only to have to go through another full year of legal separation before things are final (the state I live in requires a year of legal separation before you can file for a no-fault divorce). She also needs to see that while I am ready to work through this, I'm also ready to move on with my life without her.
Me: 33 WAW/MLC: 33 M: 4+, T: 10+ Separated: Nov 08 A#1: Oct 08 - Jan 09 (exposed and ended) A#2: Feb 09 - ? 1: http://tinyurl.com/mrmistakes 2: http://tinyurl.com/ckch9t 3: http://tinyurl.com/stillwaters3
No, I absolutely did not cheat back--I said some very hurtful things to her in the heat of arguments, but I have not nor would I ever consider cheating. I'm really seeking God's blessing in this and I know he won't bless me if I dishonor him. Plus, I still really do love my wife. Anyhow, what I meant was to avoid getting into very heated fights where you might say something you will later reqret. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and good plan, so I hope that you can stick with and I hope you get the results you want. It will be a long road, though, especially since she is still communicating with the OM.
Excuse me for hijacking here but had a question for WP.
Quote:
EAs are far more damaging than PAs.
I agree with all that you have said, so I'm not trying to pick an argument or anything like that. I only wanted to know why you think that EA's are more damaging than PAs.
Thanks, Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is based on my own experience with my W, but I think that once a woman is emotionally connected to someone else she can no longer see the potential for a reconnection with her husband. Typically, woman check out emotionally before physically. Also, I think that in the mind of the adulterer, an EA signals far greater problems in the marriage than just a PA. All of this is based on the assumption that you can have a PA w/out an EA. Of course the combination of the 2 is probably the most deadly. Again, I don't mean to generalize, but this is based on what I've seen w/my W.
Thank you WP for your explanation. I guess I was just surprised b/c I am trying to remember if I had ever heard anyone say that before. I had an EA and though I never met the man in person (it was all over the Internet), it was powerful, but I kept thinking that if it had led to an actual physical connection that I would have been lost for sure. I had always been taught that men could have sex without the emotional connection whereas with most women the physical act of sex was more......"soulish" for them (I suppose)....emotionally anyway. That was one of the reasons that I did hold back on meeting the man in person was b/c I felt that once it went physical that it would be so much harder to end the affair. Anyway, I have always been so glad that I didn't have a PA, b/c I think for me, it would have been awful trying to get over the guilt and reconcile with my H, if we ever did reconcile afterwards. I don't know that he could have forgiven me if it had went to the physical level, but he was able to forgive the EA. I do agree that EA's are a lot more stronger than most people give it credit and that is why it upsets me to see a man say that his wife was seeing or talking to another man but that he thought it was just and EA! I don't know about men, but I believe for women, they fantasize so much about what they want the affair or R to be that they keep it alive in their minds. That was my problem after I even broke contact with the OM. I kept thinking about him and keeping it alive in my mind, so I had to overcome that to be able to try to make my M work.
Anyway, thanks for you comments about it.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think that in REALITY, when a woman gets involved in an ongoing EA, it's usually much more powerful (or "worse," if you must) for all the reasons you state about what an emotional connection means to a woman. Couple that with the fact that if left alone, these EAs usually become PAs anyway, now you've got the worst of all.
However, most men don't understand that. Most men do think it's "just" an EA -- to their great mistake. In reality, a one- or even a three-night stand, with little emotional connection, is far easier to bust up as far as affairs go.
I think that in REALITY, when a woman gets involved in an ongoing EA, it's usually much more powerful (or "worse," if you must) for all the reasons you state about what an emotional connection means to a woman. Couple that with the fact that if left alone, these EAs usually become PAs anyway, now you've got the worst of all.
However, most men don't understand that. Most men do think it's "just" an EA -- to their great mistake. In reality, a one- or even a three-night stand, with little emotional connection, is far easier to bust up as far as affairs go.
Puppy
I agree, but let me also throw this in there as well. An EA for man can be just as strong. I am saying this from my perspective and what occured in my sitch. This started as a "Friendship" that quickly became and EA and then a PA. Whether its a man or a woman, when you develop and emotional attachment to someone that superceeds your R with your primary partner, the scenario plays out much the same. The idealization, fantasy, etc... I can only speak from my experiences, but once my H had an emotional connection to his OW, there was nothing that would keep him from her. I think if it had been only sex, he would have been able to walk away once the discovery was made. Because their A started out as an EA first, the connection is harder to break. My H is far more reluctant to break the emotional connection, rather than just the physical one. For him, the fear of not getting his "emotional fix" far outweighs the physical.
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
