Friends...another trough of the rollercoaster ride this evening...
w is going away this weekend, presumably with OM and asked if I would mind her having H overnight tonight - a usual night for me to have him, cos she won't see him till Sunday - well as much as this sticks in my gut as the reason she won;t see him is cos she will be with OM, I said that was not a problem - I get to spend all weekend with him pretty much anyway...
So, she also asked if I could pop in to sort stuff out for weekend - practical, domestic stuff for H - so I dropped H off at his club for 6.15 and then went up home...W was pretty stressed about her day etc and also looking for stuff to do with forms shes got to fill in. W was really upset bout her day actually, her school's closing and she has to apply for her own job - with no promise that she'll get it - so i did my level best to listen and be helpful - I desperately wanted to give her a hug and hold her - she seemed to be hurting so much...anyhow got a few things sorted, found a few things, details to help her sort out what she needs to sort and then popped out to the car to get a form i needed her to add some details in bout H - and who should be parking up and sorting stuff out but OM...I nearly puked...got the form, dashed inside, handed it to her and said I had to go "you've got a visitor"...
And then as we passed, he said "GFI, how are you?" What an egotistical, over confident, self centred, "I am" w@nker! Seems like he wants me to be "Ok" about all this! WTF???!
If it was me in those circumstances, already seeing that I the husband was there I would have, out of courtesy, if nothing else have beat a gracious retreat.
I can't begin to describe how i feel right now - hurt, used, abused - again I know I did some cr@ppy things within my marriage and I am deeply, deeply sorry for them... - the reasons are complex - some to do with a grieving I hadn't resolved for my brother dying when I was young, some to do with my mum dying, much to do with failing to recognise the love of a fantastic woman, wrapped up with insecurities of myself and my esteem with a really difficult job/ career when W was trying to get pregnant , fear that I carried something genetically that would be inherited and a wholesale failure to be emotionally available to the woman i love and cherish with all my heart and let all of that give myself a reason to drown my sorrows in booze...but if only she would give me the opportunity now...wouldas, shouldas, couldas...
I know I am a man now who is a million miles away from that person... much closer to the person she first knew and yet so much better...much improved - not the DAM I used to be at all.
And still there, despite all of our problems and W's rejection of me to the extent that i move out to, trying to offer comfort and reassurance to my w - when an hour later OM turns up + dog. Dignity was hard to hold onto under the circumstances...
W phoned 20 mins after I got home - got a nice message from H - and the W "I'm sorry I had no idea...thanks for listening..."
I don't want to jeopardise my relationship with my W for H's sake and the bottom line is still, that I love her - I'm sure she doesn't realise how much or that this is not just a jealous love - because she's not with me now or because I can;t "have her" etc. But because i truly want her to be part of my life and believe that we could forge forwards with the passion and excitement that we shared, but with renewed passion and excitement - i've changed, she's changed - but I love the changes, apart from OM! of course...she's still a woman who excites me, stimulates me, soothes me like no other woman ever has.
But tonight is, for me - as low as its got for a good while...
KBO - GFI
PS - lost at badminton last night - doh - must try harder next week! But the other hand - climbed a 6b on an indoor wall! Thats a first!
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
GFI, I think you are OK granted the "incident". Think about it. You are strong enough and handled it OK (unless I misread something). You should be content with yourself... KBO K
Yes, that was insensitive of him.. unless he doesnt know the circumstances you split? But I agree, you did the right thing, you were polite and then left. You must have handled it well.. to inspire her to send the text by apology, she must care how the encounter affected you, which is something hey.
And yes.. I know those feelings of "if only I had seen the light sooner" - you have learnt your lessona and been altered by this experience, opened up, more capable of truly loving someone and yes that is so valuable...but what a shame you had to lose something so precious in order to learn those hard lessons.
Its horrible, the reality of the OP.. and you have it in your face, as you have to make arrangements about your son and you cant really avoid that. You are coping with it, becuase you DO love your W, thats plain to see. She is a lucky woman that you remain so loyal and committed to her, but I guess she wont be able to 'see' that. Be proud of yourself hey.
Had a fabulous weekend, climbing, football, hockey, homework, gaming, joking, teasing etc etc
But then finished the weekend with a dose of man-flu - boo hoo...felt very grotty yesterday and took to my bed for the day but 100% better today.
Seems OM has form hitting on women in difficult / estranged circumstances...not that I can do much with that information, but the way it has come to me suggests its much more than just gossip. From where I am looks as if he loves being in a rescuing, knight in shining armour role - but that's just useless speculation really...I do know that while that may be attractive to my W right now, she's too much of her own woman to find that attractive in the long run.
Anyhow, concentrating on getting myself fit for climbing and badminton (x2 this week)! And hopefully will have a regular game of squash sorted for a lunchtime soon...
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
I've not had much time to reply to you but please KBO with a lot of gusto and although you love your W with all your heart keep looking ahead and socialiing. I'm sure she's take a lot of interest in you if she heard you were on dinner dates with other ladies.
On Sat went and got h for climbing, he joins in a kids climbing club some Saturday mornings...and I get to climb too...which is great...and then went to a panto on Sat afternoon with W h and a pal of his... But just as we parked back home and I got out of the car - who should pull up but OM! He drove up the hill and slowed and i caught his eye as I was getting out of the car...not wanting a repeat performance from a couple of weeks ago, I gave H a kiss and got myself out of there pdq...
Although i loathe the man in all sorts of ways, and would love to emphasise that i had just been for a trip with W and H - I cannot, for my own sanity, face that POS again...
Yesterday - went into the city to see Chinese New Year and what a fantastic event that was! And this morning SNOW!!! Unfortunately not enough to call off school till lunchtime!
Best and KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
thanks for checking in and the message - snow here was pretty mild compared to others - although i had great hopes for much more!!!
it made getting to work a bit tricky for a couple of days and H had half a day off school...unfortunately nothing more and even more unfortunately not on "my" day!
- although i did have a pretty scary slide down a hill in my car on the ice!
Today is our 11th wedding anniversary so am feeling pretty low about that and also its 20 years around this time since we got it together at college - in fact it was a Saturday when we got married...and as I remember it - it was a little chilly but the sun was shining...so when I eventually get to bed and wake up in the morning - the 14th is going to be tough!
