Wayward Wife/MLC or Just Bad Behavior

[fitzge]

kat727 amd Karen43

1. The be a parent to her comment -- truthfully, there have been times like I was put in that role; daddy to a 51 year old woman.

2. I know that only an alcoholic can decide to fight the alcohol

As you both probably understand, I had a long history with this woman. Over the years, I allowed myself to be conditioned to overlook bad situations and learned to rationalize them away.

I am slow coming to the conclusion that most people look at the horror story I've detailed and say, "Run, Forrest, Run!!" and right now I feel and am acting a lot like Forrest.

Thanks for your comments, they help.

[kat727]

Yes I would say Run Forrest but hop on a bus, it's faster! I know what it is like to have so much time invested and all the love that has been there. I will be honest, I have never stopped loving the man I married but I have no like or interest in this alien that he has become. Our family deserves so much more.

This site has helped me tremendously. It help to know that you are not alone. Give yourself time to heal, time to discover the you that you have put on the back burner. Step away from the situation as much as you can so that you can make a decision with a clear head and heart.

kat

[sandi2]

I may repeat something some others have said b/c I kind of scanned over the posts. It is hard for any of us to know why you would want a woman like you have decribed your W back into your life again. I wonder if it is kind of like an abused W who stays with her H? Is it b/c you do not feel that you deserve better or that is it b/c you got used to being treated like that? Maybe you can't even answer the question, but the point is that you DO deserve much better.

I don't know where you got 6 months for a WW to come out of this mode, but sweetie, I'm afraid it doesn't work like that. In fact, outside of a miracle or a terrible circumstance to knock the living daylights out of her, I'm afraid she may continue to stay in the state or for a very long time at any rate. I regret that I cannot be more encouraging, but frankly I feel that you have wasted too much of your life on her as it is. When she took that child across state lines to have an abortion without your knowledge, that is when you should have taken action right then. I am afraid she not only disrepects you, but that she will never listen to anything you have to say. I don't usually tell people right off the bat to hit the D court, but I think my vote has to go with the others and say that you would be better off. I'm sorry if that is not good DBing, but it is just good sense.

Take care of yourself,
Sandi2

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't think I ever have either.

[fitzge]

kat727

"{Step away from the situation as much as you can}"

I am doing my best not to be ensnared. I basically go to work, go home and sleep, and go to work again. Life is pretty one dimensional, but that is OK for now. About the only unsolicited call(s) I have received from HER concerned her needing money. Nice to pegged with the Johnny PayCheck roll.

I am absolutely shocked by HER behavior. That being said, you folks can look at it and say the signs, behavior, etc have always been there.

I am on this site for support also. My family is 2300 miles away. I allowed any potential friends to be stripped away years ago. Locally, I have no confidantes -- so these unbiased replies I get help immensely.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

So what are you doing to change that? You need to do some GAL stuff -- join something, DO something. What are your interests?

Puppy

[fitzge]

Sandi2

why you would want a woman like you have decribed your W back into your life again. I wonder if it is kind of like an abused W who stays with her H? Is it b/c you do not feel that you deserve better or that is it b/c you got used to being treated like that?

I have thought about the abused spouse syndrome that you describe. Yes, with the role reversal, I am very much like the woman who gets kicked down the stairs, and refuses to have the cops haul the abuser off. The only difference in my situation is the abuse was verbal, emotional, and mental. Never had to deal with the physical. I think humans can convince themselves of anything. I may case "the deserve better" is definitely in play.

I knew the abortion was a huge breech of trust. Probably a deal breaker for most couples. Any respect went out of my operation years ago. Maybe I've rationalized it by thinking she can't respect me because she has zero respect for herself.

Again, I come for support and take every post seriously. The consensus amoung you is "cut your losses. Get rid of her. Heal (work on yourself) and continue to reconnect with family." Doing the best I can.

[fitzge]

Puppy

So what are you doing to change that? You need to do some GAL stuff -- join something, DO something. What are your interests?

Puppy

Good questions. I joined a support group to assist me in my journey. I figured out that gutting it out on my own was not going to work. The group helps. I have established much better communications with 3 of my adult children. One is relatively close so I have an opportunity to regularly that family which includes 3 grandchildren. I had neglected them for far too long.

I happen to like doing a lot of things -- house or yard projects, building or repairing things. Honestly, my interest and energy level have been lacking. At some point I will renew those activities. Right now somethings are can always wait for tomorrow.

[kat727]

I am sure that there are alot of people out there that would appreciate your skills. Maybe you could volunteer some time and make some new friends. It would do wonders for your self-esteem. Even just getting out of the house is good. I have a hard time going to the movies alone but I have done it several times since this past summer. Think of stuff that you loved but gave up for your spouse and get doing it again!

kat

[fitzge]

kat727

Getting out of the house is wonderful.

I will point out that I am not too far from the phase where it used to take me 3 hours just to make it from the bed to the couch. Even guys end up laying curled up in the fetal position trying to make the hurt go away. Eventually I'll get those things that I like going again -- eventually.