Hi All, I'm new here. Me 38 H 38 3 boys = 9, 8, & 5 I'm a homemaker T 16y M 12y
My H has been in MLC for over 3 years. I got the following speech 15 months ago "I'm done living my life for you and the kids, I'm living my life for me. I'm going to come and go and do what I want. We never should have gotten married. I doubt my love for you". H is obsessed w/bodybuilding, supplements, new angry music, hair, clothes, Harley, himself in general. Had an EA last year at this time, there is no one now...99% sure. My H has never left our home. I spent an entire summer trying to GAL in conjunction with looking inside of me and recognizing my faults in our marriage. I ended up w/severe depression. I used DB counselor and I was told I was doing great GAL, but in reality for me I was in the process of grieving the death of my marriage. My goal has always been to keep us together. (H & I each have our own counselors, currently not in MC).
I find myself now feeling all done. Not only has H changed but I have changed as well. I have never believed in divorce yet I find myself thinking about what it would be like to not have H around all of the time. Since a huge blow up by H (drunk) on New Years Eve in front of our best friends his attitude has changed to Mr Nice Guy. The male friend ripped into my H for an hour that evening and prior to dealing w/H told me that I needed to get H out of the house. That I needed to be done with the disrespect and abuse that was being thrown at me...this coming from H friend of 25 years, who is also a Pastor. He made it clear that it was going to get worse and we are showing our sons something very ugly and this needs to stop NOW.
As I was saying, since then my H has been extremely nice. He hasn't said he wants to commit to fixing our M but he has made it clear that he doesn't want to move out (something I have started pushing). The past 4 months he has made an effort to reconnect w/our boys which is great, but confusing at the same time for me and them. Lately he has made it a point to inform me of things in his life; friends he's talked to on the phone, family problem w/his mom etc. Still no words out of his mouth trying to save our marriage. I find myself treating him differently. I realize that I don't NEED him anymore. I have been very clear about being done with how things have been. I recently told him I refuse to continue to live in limbo. Either we fix our M or we are done after we take our children to Disney in Feb. I'm very tired of living w/a man who I have loved for so long, considered my closest friend yet now avoids me at all costs and has become a stranger. He goes out of his way not having to touch me, yet he kisses me goodbye every morning before work. We still sleep in the same bed, didn't have sex for 4 months then a few weeks ago had sex that was quick and awkward in the middle of the night. I find all of this so bizzare.
I realize from all that I have read that pushing the MLC spouse into trying to fix the M is the wrong thing to do. At this point I don't care. I have been patient for 3 1/2 yrs. I've lost my father and grandmother in a 2 month period during all of this and had very little support from him. I feel prepared to handle him walking away, at least I would have a definite answer.
I'm on this forum looking for any advice I can find from anyone who has had a similar situation. I've found that most spouses in MLC have OP and have moved out of the house...not us. My wish for me, my H and my sons would be that our M could work, but that nugget of hope is "leaving the building". For the record...yes I go to church w/the boys, H doesn't, he goes to the gym. I not only pray to God about my M but I TALK to Him about it. I realize He has all of the control here and this is just one big bump in my life...I have a hard time thinking that God wants my M to be over and I guess that's why I'm here asking for any help before it's too late. Thank you for any advice!
