Hey K, sounds very insightful and some real breakthroughs for yourself, realising perhaps what you need to do also, for yourself? I liked this bit...
"They told me to quit on the R and concentrate on me alone (both of us). Dream, become what will make me happy and see if H fits in the picture. They said we need to forget the past and abandon preconceived ideas about each other." yep.. let go of the past, start afresh, is that what they mean? A new R? I like the plan to make him book the next session too, very clever.
And so you got a reason as to why he left.. he couldnt take the resposibility! How strange, seeing as you have said it was you that kept the house and family together and running and did most of the childcare and dealing with school and stuff! I wonder what it was about that that he found so challenging!?
It was suggested to me once that perhaps I had emasculated ex. I stepped up when he wouldn't and did basically everything save mow the lawn(allergies)on a regular basis and work a second job on the weekends. So the idea was that he felt like less of a man and that this wasn't a life of his making, since I was doing pretty much everything else.
What a perfect reason to have an affair and break up your family!! Don't know if your H thinks maybe the same way to some degree. Thanks by stopping by the alternate universe. I appreciate it.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Al, it is true that I felt I was responsible for most of the things around the house but at least for some time I was feeling loved. When I stopped feeling loved I started complaining and moaning and whining and putting him down. That's when I tried to force him to step up. As a result, he quit.
My C told me that when I start judging myself I should say "no courts working today" and drop it immediately. So, I am not going to judge my lack of insight as to what it was I was doing to him...
She asked me three things I found interesting :what did I get from my mom as a child, from my dad, what was their R like.
My asnwers :love and rejection (never good enough, HAD to try harder, love and protection from my dad and a balanced R between them with my mom controlling but my dad always being the calm quiet peaceful power in our home). She said I am looking for a lover that will love and reject me in some way but hoping I would feel the unconditional love my dad gave me. And I 'll do my best to have a relationship similar to what they had/have. It's funny how I always admired/valued so much my parents for having dreams and making them true, together..., for they have accomplished together.
So, rejection is important to me.Probably that's why I like the 2x4s I get here occasionaly, LOL!
I dont know how to only think of me. Not think about my kids or my parents, etc. Sadly so, I realise this is one issue I care about how I look. I dont want to be a quiter. But I feel I have the "OK" to be selfish, I am allowed now. He is supposed to do the same. We dont know where this will lead us, but the T said it will be healthy. I almost want these 8 weeks over so that I can start my life again. I know the 8 weeks period may not bring the changes I am looking forward to, But I am telling you, I will be as good as new by then. I am not giving up on my dream to be loved and cherished and have fun while I am alive... I am not. K
I know when I go to the gym while my kids are in day care, I feel "selfish"....No matter how many times I tell myself that it is important that I am healthy and have a release for my stress (other than coffee or chocolate!), I still feel guilty. And I have tried to plan a trip for me, just me, but I always wind up thinking of where I could go with my kids...
It is hard to remember that taking care of yourself and finding fulfillment for yourself is not selfish. I am glad your counselors gave you 'permission' to take care of Maria for a change.
I understand the selfishness factor too. I feel constant guilt over doing things just for me. I end up leaving my invalid mother and my autistic son at home to fend for themselves while I go have a life of my own for a few hours. My son could care less, but I do. My mom, on the other hand, is the all-time points leader in laying guilt trips!
Like doctors always say to those who sit bedside with a sick person, you will be doing them no good if you don't take care of yourself and get healthy. Same thing with emotional wellbeing.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey K! "I am not giving up on my dream to be loved and cherished and have fun while I am alive... I am not."
I couldnt have put it better myself. I guess its hard to get into 'selfish mode' when you have kids, you are used to putting someone else before you and also with feeling concern for how your parents view you etc. How do you think it might manifest for your H? I wonder if he will want to still come over and see you and stuff? But you can see a clearer path now? Maybe this is the final leg of the roller coaster hey...
H called once late last night. C said we should only do what we feel like and nothing for the R. So I have no issues with him calling or not and he sounded friendly so we a nice chat and that was all. He asked me if I have done the exercises and I told him I have all except one. He joked a bit about it and then we talked about the kids.
I still have fear in me. FG says that is good, Ian says it is not. I think in my case fear is making me try harder but I am not clear I will know when to stop trying and quit. That is why the 8 weeks seem womderful to me now. I'll post some later about what I am afraid of. K
