I get so dang mad at him. In July after we separated, I kept seeing OM for about a month. Mostly at work. I tried very hard to limit d4's contact with OM. It was weird because OM loved his "new family" idea and that just plain weirded me out. Don't know why. Bells and whistles, you know?? I dropped him like a hot rock and haven't looked back since.
But this stupid girl living there really grates on me. And that he is okay with upsetting me has been in full blown can't quit crying mode tonight. I just almost hate him so much right now. He is capable of making me feel like dirt for not wanting to be buddy-buddy with him, but when I bring up how i feel about her, he defends her being there to the death. that it is his decision, not mine, and that he is going to do whatever he wants. he doesn't care about how it makes me feel. and then he still expects me to want to be friends with him. but if i stand up for myself and detach from him, i get treated like dirt for that too. and i'm sure she is just loving it. her kids pictures on the christmas tree, on the fridge. her furniture in the master bedroom. her dirty underwear on the bathroom floor. her stuff is just friggin everywhere. and d4 asking me about her. he is wanting me to just be okay with all of that. he wants to be friends, but friends don't do that to each other. I know I had an A, and a lot of people think i deserve it. But i am just so sad and mad. that he doesn't see what he is doing to me. he never has seen what he is doing to me. i don't think he has ever stopped to consider how what he does affects everyone else. he only worries about how he can feel good about himself.
i haven't seen anyone since i dumped OM and I don't want to. but it's like that doesn't matter or he doesn't care. i know he doesn't care anything about her. but he's willing to die on this cross of having her live there. he doesn't realize that in 6 months or so, she'll be gone, and he'll still be having to deal with me whether we're married or divorced. he is going down a path he can't return from. he can't just gloss it over and expect everything to be back to normal in 6 months. he wants to treat me like cr@p and expect me to want to be his friend!!
i am just so friggin miserable tonight. can't quit the dang crying. part of me wants that stupid no contact order just to get her out of there. let the commander order him to counseling. but i know it "break the plate". i don't want ruin his retirement. but if the marriage is already broken, what do i care if i dump her out on her butt??
omg. this crying has to stop tonight!!!! what kind of tramp asks to sleep in the same bed as a married man?? and what kind of married man says okay? especially when he already knows how it feels???
and what kind of wife is willing to accept whatever he has to dish out just to make him happy by being his friend?? what kind of wife is too stupid to figure out that she needs to just get a divorce and leave him in the dust??
i just want the hurt to stop, like i'm sure he does, too. i just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. and that is asking too much. amazing that i'm asking too much for him to love me. he's asking too much for me to be accepting of Ole Girl.
i didn't have the A to be mean or hurtful or spiteful to him, but he is intentionally being that way to me. why do i need this??????
i know this pity party needs to be over. i am just so let down, and sorry, and sad, and mad, and just...friggin everything.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
