I think she's starting to feel just how detached I am, and that I am pulling away...normally when she picks up S2 - she avoids contact with me as though I were a leper (the old-school contagious by touch kind) - and looks down in order to avoid any and all eye contact with me...today...she touched my fingers with her hands as I handed her our baby - and it kind of bothered me...she then followed that up with a moment of fixed eye contact...which also left me feeling kind of removed...I just don't want to get lured into anything by her...and so I will acknowledge those two little details - but make nothing more of them other than to say that they were noticed...
Other than that, I'm feeling very good and very positive about many things. I've decided to move in March - and am looking forward to that - and today I spent some time reviving some old networking connections that I had allowed to lapse. I've got a lot of different writing projects in the work (not the paid kind - more of the, gee, wouldn't it be great if this spec script sells kind...but writing things like that has always made me happy).
Things I look forward to: less contact with her parents (especially her father), a calm, peaceful home for my kids, more work that I want to do, a smaller place that's easier for me to take care of on my own - and which should also give me more time. One thing I've found about the house I live in now is that, despite it's size, it has no center, no harmony, and I have had a hard time finding a "writing space" in it...even the office wasn't that conducive to writing...which disappointed me...so I have some things in mind in terms of the place we move into in March.
As the positives build, and I do more of the GAL/PMA thing, I also realize just how much I had allowed myself to be defined, delimited, and demoralized by someone - it was as though, by loving her I had given over all my power of self esteem to her...and that's just not healthy for anyone...so I'm finding myself again...learning to love who I am in a healthy, more honest way - and making sure that I continue to work on those things that I don't like/love so much about myself. (a big thanks to you, Coach, for your post about loving yourself - and how it is not arrogant or selfish to do so with honesty and integrity).
As I continue to work on myself and repair my broken heart and other fragile parts (I have a T-shirt that says "fragile" on it - inspired by a song by the Editors...but most people have no idea who they are...so to strangers it just means I'm fragile...which gives me a bit of a chuckle in a warped kind of way). So the work continues - and I will not stop looking at my life and my situation and learning from it - and I will not back away from the challenges because of fear...if I feel any fear in me these days, I know it's an area where I need work...so fear is now more of a sign post than an obstacle.
And so I continue to learn...I' sure to make more mistakes, but at least they wont' be careless anymore.
