My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[MrBond]

In terms of the separation and giving your W space, I would say that in some cases it's a very good thing. In my sitch, my W was just plain angry all the time which caused me to make rash decisions. When we separated, it was a good cooling off period and had gotten to the point where we were at first civil to each other, then friendly and finally where she has slowly made her way back to the house herself.

I disagree with PDT (sorry about that) about it being a chance for her to mess around. She would've done that whether she was at home or not and she was anyway.

She's told you flat out what she wanted in terms of thinking things out which is alot more than my W ever told me. Consider yourself lucky and build on her willingness.

Good luck to you.

[MrBond]

Oh and if you ever get a chance, try reading "Love Must Be Tough" from Dobson. It's a great read and explains what it sounds like your W is going through.

[Mellenmack]

Stuck,

Can you give a little more info about the book? His W sounds a little like me...not quite sure...but would like a little more info about the book anyway. Just some for instances, etc... I am building up a library here...


Melissa

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thoughts?

My thoughts are that I'm glad she's opening up to you, but I still don't trust her. And I DAMNED sure don't trust OM.

I have never . . . EVER . . . heard of an OM/OW who did the honorable thing. They are not people of honor -- by definition. They are predators.

I said if she would committ to two things I woulds separate: 1. That during the process we committ to not opening ourselves to ANY other realtionships. That we were separating for the purpose of space and to get rid of all of the junk in our marriage so we can grow and reconnect in a healthy way. What I could not support was separating to give the opportunity to nuture R with OM. She got that.

She may have "got" that, but did she AGREE to it? Is she willing to send the guy a no-contact letter -- copy to be approved by you -- and be transparent with you?

Sorry to pee in your Cheerios, but I still smell a rat. If she truly believes she made a mistake, she should be fleeing TOWARDS you -- not AWAY from you. That would be a more typical female response.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

OM is an intersting cat. Divorced because he came home from work at lunch and his wife and some guy were hard at it in his bed. So I think that is where his remorse over this comes from. He didn't want to be part of something like that. Whatever. I can't stop or control anything anyway. I hear what your saying. But I've done what I can. Asking for a letter at this point would be a deal breaker, more control. She had a controlling Dad and has always rebelled as a result of it. One of her own issues she has to deal with.

The trust has to be earned both ways.

She did agree to stay within the marriage as we are attempting clear out the junk. I said I would lose all respect for her if she couldn't keep that comittment as long as we are married and she gave me her word. I asked her for no guarantees other than focusing on working on ourselves and getting rid of our junk in the marriage. That is the only point of the separation.

She's not necessarily fleeing from me. I know her and she needs the time to get back to normal and out of this hyper-anxiety state we are both in.

This will either move us forward or allow us both to see it ain't coming back. #1 is the best option. BUt I can live with #2 if I know I did every thing I could.

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

It's not control to ask for what you need in order to feel safe again in the marriage. If you feel the trust has to be earned both ways, offer to be fully transparent with her as well.

I think you're playing with fire, but I have spoken my peace. I hope you'll at least consider having some intel in place to verify no-contact.

Puppy

[Vdad]

Puppy,

Your words of wisdom are always appreciated..Like a voice in my head as I interact with her.. Seriously. I knew what you would say.. I will keep intel in place.

I had to make a decision based on the situation at hand. This was a compromise and not one done out of fear. If she carries on.. I will know. But I think we are moving past that. Either way, she will only dishonor herself, to her kids, to me, and others. I don't want to be with her if she can't keep her committment anyway.

She couldn't find the intel anyway...Need to find some that will email out to me so I can trust but verify.

You are very much appreciated. I need your ongoing support as well as others. This is where the hard work comes into place..

Jeff

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She couldn't find the intel anyway...Need to find some that will email out to me so I can trust but verify.

eBlaster.

[Bridgestone]

not that I have anything to hide.. but reading all your intel stuff, Puppy, makes me think if I were trying to hide something on my computer, I be really happy to have a Mac that was company owned when I used online voice/video chat (gmail or yahoo) to communicate with whomever....

[MrBond]

Sure Mel. The book is by Dr. James Dobson. He's a Christian writer and I'm not Christian, but his ideas are sound. His thing is that if someone is in an A, you set boundaries that you will not tolerate a certain behavior and let the person go.

When you detach in that manner, the WAS finds out that they have nothing holding them back and no one else to blame for their problems but themselves. This is just like Michele's idea of GAL. The WAS soon starts to wonder about the LBS and may or may not be attracted back.

But the thing is that when you establish that boundary, you are getting back the control in your life. It is a great read and if you can get a used copy, go ahead and check it out.

One thing about A in regards to PDT. I agree that there are no excuses for them, however the LBS sometimes feel that they are entitled to an A because of what they were lacking in their R. Not saying that's right, it's a matter of perspective. How many WASs would tell us that they would never cheat and lie right to the LBS's face saying that they aren't cheating. In their mind, they are not only fulfilling a need that they "believe" that they can get nowhere else, but they believe they have a right to it.

Many of our WASs leave and never come back because: 1) they are stuck in the loop of believing that they will never get their needs met in the old R, 2) they were "trapped" in their old R and so the best solution is to wipe the slate clean with a new R, 3) they are lazy and don't want to do "work" because love shouldn't be hard and 4) they suffer from low self-esteem and need to be constantly validated for their actions by the OP. The low self-esteem is the reason why many blame their LBS for their troubles. It's too embarrassing and shameful to think that they had a part in doing it themselves.