This is what I came up with. I hope it makes sense:
I am writing this down so you can read it in your own time. I don’t want to bring it up face-to-face because I don’t want you to feel blind-sided and go into “fight or flight” mode. I want to discuss something that I am fairly emotional about, and I don’t want to run the risk of starting a big argument.
It is something, though, that I feel deserves to be really looked at.
You stated to me in your letter that you felt you had committed a gross betrayal of my trust, and that it was important to you to regain my trust. Along those lines, I want to point out something that I have often perceived as a pattern that has led to distrust on my part.
I don’t push an issue–ask for a compromise or an agreement from you–unless it is something I feel very strongly about. I pick my "battles" carefully.
I have often thought that we had made an agreement, but then felt that you didn’t live up to your word. Sometimes it seems that you will go part of the way, but not in the way we had agreed on or in the timeframe agreed on.
A recent example of what I am talking about is that you had said you would like to move back home in October. I said I wanted to compromise and wanted you to meet me half-way by agreeing to do it before (youngest son) started back to school on Sept. 2nd. I thought that we had succeeded in negotiating and compromising, but now I hear you saying things that lead me to believe you are dragging your feet, being vague, and not even recognizing that we did, in fact come to an agreement.
I am using this example because it is the most recent of what I feel has been a pattern over time. It is something that has caused a lot of resentment and mistrust on my part. I have sometimes felt that you make agreements and promises that you don’t abide by, or maybe never intended to. Maybe you intend to at the time, but something comes up or you change your mind. The problem is that you don’t discuss it with me–just leave me to depend on your word then wonder what the hell happened to what we had agreed on.
Seeing a pattern has made me reluctant to bring things up that are important to me because I feel even worse if you don’t carry through after we have negotiated and compromised. It also makes me feel that you just agree to things to “shut me up” and that you don’t take me seriously. It makes me feel discounted and disrespected. It makes me feel that it is not important for you to feel that you have any credibility with me. It makes me feel that you are being dishonest with me. Sometimes I feel like I want us to write down what we’ve agreed to, because I don’t want you to act like no agreement ever occurred or you don’t expect to be held to what you said.
I am not going to minimize that trust is a big issue between us right now. There has been a major breach of my trust and broken agreements and promises. In order to do the work we need to do, credibility and trust is important.
To that end, I am asking you to really think about what I feel has been a pattern and be really honest with yourself and me about it, and come to your own conclusions. I’m not going to try to renegotiate a timeframe for your moving back in, but I would like you to recognize that we did agree to something and now you are acting outside of that. If it is important to you to have me trust and depend on you, it is important that you act trustworthy and dependable.
