I need to vent here, because I'm feeling a bit frustrated.
We went to MC last night. We told her about our conversations after watching the last of the videos she gave us. H described our penchant for debating (i.e. the prosecutor & defense attorney plea bargain style).
We explained what we had figured out about where and how we had started to go haywire: H said he thought that we had each become convinced that the other didn't love or even like us anymore, and we had become stagnant, appearing stable from the outside, but not really ok. His solution for avoiding a repeat in the future was a concerted effort to have activities that we plan to do together.
I said that my view of things was that planned activities were fine, but that doing things together and enjoying each other's company had never been a real problem. I felt that we had not been stagnant, as there had been a great deal going on under the surface. We had each been convinced that the other was going to end the relationship, and had begun shutting down emotionally. It was too frightening to talk about, because both of our core issues were being triggered: H's fear of rejection and abandonment, my fear of betrayal and abandonment. H agreed with that and said that we'd both known that the other had those issues, but had been unaware how deep those core issues really went. I felt like we needed to continue to schedule R talks. MC agreed and said that for the really scary stuff, we should right it down and read it to the other.
MC wanted feedback on where we felt we were at with our C, and if there was anything we wanted to do differently. We said we'd talk about it and tell her next time.
So we went out to dinner afterwards and H said he'd like to get some brutally honest objective feedback from MC, as if she were describing us and our interactions to another therapist. He likes it when C's have a confrontational, "call him on BS" style.
He also commented that he thinks he out-talks me and talks over me during our sessions. I said I can take care of myself, so if I felt like I needed more time to talk, I'd say so.
Anyway, all good stuff during MC session and talking afterward...until I asked how it was going with preparing to "wean himself off solitude" to move back home. He said he's been going through stuff, deciding what to keep and what to throw away (I've been hearing that for several weeks). He said he thought he'd start moving his houseplants to our house and would move back in "sometime in September".
Now, when we last discussed this issue, he'd said October, I said I wanted him to meet me half-way and I wanted him to be home by the time our youngest starts back to High School (Sept. 2nd). H had agreed to that compromise. I told him that "Sometime in September" was being vauge. H said, yes, he knew he was being vauge.
LL gave me a good 2X4 awhile back about not pressing on this issue so that I knew that H was really ready when he did move back in, so I haven't been pushing.
Problem is, I thought we'd made an agreement, and now H is renigging on that agreement. That has been a major frustration for me all along in our R. I don't ask him to make agreements or promises unless it's something I take very seriously. H has had a pattern of making agreements with me, then not living up to his end. Sometimes he'll do part of what he said he'd do, but often not in the timeframe that is needed. We've had arguments in the past because I've said I feel like we need to write our agreements down on paper, have them notarized and stick them up on the fridge (I was only being half-sarcastic).
H goes into a tizzy when I say that and starts ranting about how this is a relationship, not a contract, and he wants a lawyer, dammit.
His not honoring our agreement is a big deal to me, because it really causes me to distrust his word, reminds me that after a major betrayal (having an A) he's got some credibility issues with me, and feels like I'm being discounted, taken for granted, and disrespected.
I didn't say much about this last night, becuse I was feeling angry, and he's SO hypersensitive about anything critical that I didn't want to put him on the defensive.
Any suggestions on a way I can bring up this subject without it becoming a big blow-up?
