Last night, H came over, made dinner & we watched 2 of the videos that MC gave us. We usually talk afterwards about what we had gotten out of them or what issues came up for us.
While we have always known that there are many similarities in our personalities and thought processes, we find that to be even more so as we learn and reveal more.
When we were talking about our "alpha" personalities--we are both extremely independent and headstrong. He used an analogy of two companies trying to merge yet keep some identity or a prosecuting attorney and defense attorney trying to hammer out a difficult plea bargain.
We do both spend a lot of time debating and trying to convince. Not so much "I'm right and you are wrong", but "my way is more right than yours".
He said that this led to a lot of power struggles between us, but also seemed to serve to keep interest and excitement in our R.
Some of this being so similar in personalities has also caused problems when it comes to "mindreading" and making assumptions. For instance I may think I'm communicating my point, stating my needs clearly, but H doesn't get it. I try again but may still be talking AROUND the issue not getting to the point. Again, H doesn't get it. I get mad. Why doesn't he care that it's a big deal to me? Why do I have to yell at him to get him to hear me? Why can't he tell what's going on--doesn't he see my body language & expressions? Doesn't he know me better than anyone else??? Am I talking Greek? Why doesn't he listen!!!!
I finally have a fit. He may then "get it" about an important need I have, but then if he does things to meet that need...I wonder if he's just doing it out of feeling obligated or not wanting me to get mad at him.
Yes, I fess up, I DO this to my partner. We do this to each other. Frequently.
So...we talked about clear communication and how important it is to be responsible about asking for what we want and need--to give each other the OPPORTUNITY to respond in the first place.
Another major area of similarities is the whole issue that has come up about his big fears of rejection and abandonment. He said I had been very up front about explaining my fears whenever I got triggered. He had been stuffing down and hiding from his own similar fears.
I knew he could be insecure, but I had no idea what was really going on. I always seemed to be the one getting jealous, asking for reasurrance, trying to explain why my fear of abandonment caused me to react so strongly sometimes.
He on the other hand, did an excellent job of hiding his fears, not only from me but from himself. It used to drive me crazy when he'd come off like "self-contained unit" Stoneman, Vulcan guy who didn't seem to need me in return.
Well now I know better. I know it makes him feel vulnerable to have reavealed that deep-down stuff to someone for the first time ever. I let him know how much I appreciate it and that he never has to worry that I'll think less of him for telling me about his fears and insecurities. I told him that I felt honored that he'd shared that stuff with me and comforted by know that was not the only one who felt more than a little crazy when it came to those fears.
Anyway....great talk. He's so dang smart and sweet...no wonder I fell in love!
