My worst fears confirmed! Wife having EA/PA...

[Vdad]

Okay,

Huge update... Signed BK papers and asked to have coffee. She agreed. BUT, before I go there I called OM at work. The conversation went extremely well. He realized that things had gotten completely out of control, told my W so, and that she needed to go back and keep the family and marriage together. I told him thank you and asked him to have no further contact with my W. He agreed and said he was in a relationship and felt horrible about what happened.

So my W and I sit down and the conversation is so tense that I slowly, calmly, told her I intend to fight for my family and marriage. I asked her to slow down (she was talking divorce the morning) and we both needed to just breathe. She did and she started to relax and we started to communicate much like we used to. As I have realized before that if I would have known how to DB a month ago we wouldn't be in this place. However, it is what it is. She went on to descibe that she feels like a caged animal and all it does is push away any thoughts of rebuilding the marriage. She asked for space and I didn't give it, and all of my detective work has completely freaked her out. Well I said, you were having an affair that you were denying and it was necessary to get it out of the way and get the third party out of the equation. She understood that.

She seems to be coming out of her fog little by little and I can see the first glimpse of the woman I love. A glimpse mind you, but it was a baby step. She now realizes much of how ridiculous the EA is as I did on my own and we were able to have a calm convo about it.

She told me she needed a separation to give herself a chance to relax and that she would begin couple's counseling with me. I said if she would committ to two things I woulds separate: 1. That during the process we committ to not opening ourselves to ANY other realtionships. That we were separating for the purpose of space and to get rid of all of the junk in our marriage so we can grow and reconnect in a healthy way. What I could not support was separating to give the opportunity to nuture R with OM. She got that. 2. That we begin counseling to help us learn to communicate in a healthy way and correct the things that were definately wrong in our previous 14 years. She agreed.

She went on to tell me that she needed the separation to clear the way for those feelings to return with out feeling smothered. That I hadn't heard her saying this to her and if I couldn't give that she would just file for D.

Frankly, I think I need the space and peace as much as she does at this point so I don't think it will hurt us. It gives us a chance that didn't exist this am.

No doubt separation isn't the best but with all that has gone on between us I think it is necessary. BUt I actually have hope now that as of this am I didn't. I will be able to DB my butt off an really employ all of the techniques I am learning. With OM gone she can focus on us without pressure and distraction. AND I can work on ME.

So money going back in our bank and forward we go.

Thoughts?

Jeff