The unfaithful wife...that's me..

[breakaway]

I feel...I don't know how...because I have realized my mistakes in the M, but he/they refuse to recognize his. Well, she said he recognizes the drinking, but that then he tried to become someone he's not by NOT DRINKING. Does that make sense to anyone?? She said he tried to change himself to become what I wanted. By not drinking??? Are you kidding me??

Does this sound absurd to anyone else?

Of course it's absurd!! But that's an alcoholic family system. She is a massive enabler. Your affair is like...a godsend even...to people like this. YOU'RE the reason, Mel, you are the wonderful, perfect, saving excuse.

And H is half out of his mind because...you won't operate within the system anymore. WTF is wrong with MEL??? She's not playing by our rules anymore. Our unwritten rules that make H the king of his pathetic universe.

I love that...he was trying to be someone's he not?? As in...not an alcoholic?

Anyway...welcome to the path to sanity. ;P I hope OW enjoys cleaning up vomit and entertaining strangers from bars at midnight.

[breakaway]

J, I read this in "Emtional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry" by Dr. Albert Bernstein. It will tell you exactly how I feel arguing with H, and the shutdown that results.
"A common experience when Bullies attack is not being able to think and not knowing what to say. This happens because the parts of your brain that control thinking and language have been short-circuited. There is no greater isolation that being separated from your own mind."
"A Bully assault can bypass the rational part of your brain and set you down in a prehistoric alternate reality where there are only three choices: fight back, run away, or stand still and be eaten. It's the perfect bind; no matter which one you choose, you lose. The newer, smarter parts of your brain may realize what's happening, but they're so awash in chemicals and primitive impulses that they can do nothing but watch in horror as the grim drama unfolds."

I'd say that about covers it!!

Thanks for posting that. It helps me understand why things can be so clear to me in my mind...and I know what I want to say or do "the next time" but then when it happens, it's like...

Especially when the "attack" is unprovoked. Which is generally the case.

[Mellenmack]

J,

What state was that murder case tried in?

Mel

[25yearsmlc]

Mel,

It was a federal/military case that occured overseas. Can't tell you the name for obvious reasons. My point was that the mother of the defendant, was THE enabler of the century. Never a word of remorse for the victim and that was amazing to me. But not unusual.

On the other hand, My first client, very first, was really sorry for his crime and asked me not to appeal so he could reflect on his "sins"! Some colleagues were cynical and so, I became a bit less troubled but since that day that client is still the only one to have ever said, "Sorry" and "I need to reflect on my life and my choices" so "Don't appeal b/c I need to stay here for now..." wacky huh? If I had him later, I'd have known how unusual that was.

Anyhow, so, did you get me a job or what?
j-

[Mellenmack]

(((J)))

I got your point. Indulge me a minute. Can you tell me what year it was?

And I am looking for you a job! Heck, you can even have mine next year, if you want to move to h-e-double hockey sticks and work for 12 bucks an hour. course the cost of living here isn't too bad, but...you know....

besides...a PhD as a secretary...lmao, at the absurdity of someone of your intelligence and accomplishments being a secretary....oh i think i just peed myself...:)

well, c said to ask if H still wants to come in. so i did and he does. so we go together next monday. we'll see. i am going to go ahead and get the d paperwork together. tired of waiting on DAM. after next monday, i'll know. and after next monday i am going to want something to happen. i guess it's stupid, but i feel like..poop or get off the pot, if that makes sense.

well, i guess ya'll can go have your laugh at me trying ONE LAST TIME to get all the points across.

i know you're not laughing. we'll see. not gonna let him treat me like dirt this week. but not gonna put up with bs either.

talk to ya'll tomorrow. i'm gonna go check on everyone else.

Mel

[K4D]

Wow Mel,

Sounds like you are really taking control of the situation. I'll be interested in hearing how this goes. I hope he shapes up fast.

Kevin

[Mellenmack]

Sorry ya'll. Pity party.

I get so dang mad at him. In July after we separated, I kept seeing OM for about a month. Mostly at work. I tried very hard to limit d4's contact with OM. It was weird because OM loved his "new family" idea and that just plain weirded me out. Don't know why. Bells and whistles, you know?? I dropped him like a hot rock and haven't looked back since.

But this stupid girl living there really grates on me. And that he is okay with upsetting me has been in full blown can't quit crying mode tonight. I just almost hate him so much right now. He is capable of making me feel like dirt for not wanting to be buddy-buddy with him, but when I bring up how i feel about her, he defends her being there to the death. that it is his decision, not mine, and that he is going to do whatever he wants. he doesn't care about how it makes me feel. and then he still expects me to want to be friends with him. but if i stand up for myself and detach from him, i get treated like dirt for that too. and i'm sure she is just loving it. her kids pictures on the christmas tree, on the fridge. her furniture in the master bedroom. her dirty underwear on the bathroom floor. her stuff is just friggin everywhere. and d4 asking me about her. he is wanting me to just be okay with all of that. he wants to be friends, but friends don't do that to each other. I know I had an A, and a lot of people think i deserve it. But i am just so sad and mad. that he doesn't see what he is doing to me. he never has seen what he is doing to me. i don't think he has ever stopped to consider how what he does affects everyone else. he only worries about how he can feel good about himself.

i haven't seen anyone since i dumped OM and I don't want to. but it's like that doesn't matter or he doesn't care. i know he doesn't care anything about her. but he's willing to die on this cross of having her live there. he doesn't realize that in 6 months or so, she'll be gone, and he'll still be having to deal with me whether we're married or divorced. he is going down a path he can't return from. he can't just gloss it over and expect everything to be back to normal in 6 months. he wants to treat me like cr@p and expect me to want to be his friend!!

i am just so friggin miserable tonight. can't quit the dang crying. part of me wants that stupid no contact order just to get her out of there. let the commander order him to counseling. but i know it "break the plate". i don't want ruin his retirement. but if the marriage is already broken, what do i care if i dump her out on her butt??

omg. this crying has to stop tonight!!!! what kind of tramp asks to sleep in the same bed as a married man?? and what kind of married man says okay? especially when he already knows how it feels???

and what kind of wife is willing to accept whatever he has to dish out just to make him happy by being his friend?? what kind of wife is too stupid to figure out that she needs to just get a divorce and leave him in the dust??

i just want the hurt to stop, like i'm sure he does, too. i just want him to hold me and tell me he loves me. and that is asking too much. amazing that i'm asking too much for him to love me. he's asking too much for me to be accepting of Ole Girl.

i didn't have the A to be mean or hurtful or spiteful to him, but he is intentionally being that way to me. why do i need this??????

i know this pity party needs to be over. i am just so let down, and sorry, and sad, and mad, and just...friggin everything.

Mel

[K4D]

Try and keep your chin up. Like you said, the affair probably won't last more than 6 months. After that, if you can bring yourself to be patient, he may be interested in trying to reconcile. Maybe he will have had his fill and realize that the affair was empty and realize what he really has in you.

But you have got to make sure there aren't any OM in the picture going forward. Prove to him that is a thing of the past and there were reasons that happened. But that it won't happen again. Let him see it. It takes time.

Nothing wrong with throwing a pity party now and then. I think all of us on here do. I know I do and I'm a guy. You just can't let it consume you like I have. It only makes things worse. I'd say this. If you are serious about wanting to work things out, don't mess with his retirement because that will affect you down the road also.

Give it time. Yes, he does sound spiteful right now. But probably alot of that is out of hurt more than anything and maybe some of it is the need in his mind to feel like he is gettinng even. I don't know. But let time work itself out.

Keep doing what you are doing. But don't keep letting him pull you into arguements. That just hurts things. If he can't be civil, tell him to have a good day and you will talk to him when he can. If he gets irate, hang up. That will stun him. If he calls right back, don't answer. Give him time to cool off. Don't call him back. He will eventually call you back when he has cooled and realizes that his attitude isn't going to get him anywhere with you.

This is extremely hard I know. Believe me I know. It's hell. At least he isn't going through with the divorce like my W is. That still leaves hope.

Pray about it and let God do his thing. Remember this, something I read last night, God may be saying, Not Yet. Hold off a little longer. He may have something in the works that just hasn't happened yet. I know I have to remember this. Its in his timing, not ours.

Kevin

[breakaway]

i know this pity party needs to be over. i am just so let down, and sorry, and sad, and mad, and just...friggin everything.

Mel

(((((Mel)))))

Honey. It's okay to feel sad...and everything else. It's good to let it out. It's NOT a pity party. Sh!t you are so friggin hard on yourself. You don't need him to beat you up, you do it to yourself. Mel, you have every right to feel what you're feeling, and you need to go ahead and let yourself feel it.

You are in enormous pain. He is intentionally hurting you. It's hard to accept it when you finally realize that the man you've married would want to hurt you. He is not well, Mel. Its going to take a lot of time and work for you to concentrate on yourself...something that I imagine is long overdue. Before affairs or any of that, you have suffered from the control, from the lack of self-esteem, from the emotional battering you've taken...being told right from the beginning basically that he "had" to marry you. It's time to start healing. As awful as all of this is...it is going to be a major turning point in your life.

You are worth so much. You're a special woman. And you are going to emerge from all this horror a stronger, healthier person. I know it.

[Bridgestone]

Mel..

BTDT..

my suggestions of what has worked for me...get yourself healthy, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually... work on you, take care of you. You deserve better... only you can give it to you.

He will either follow or not & even then the grieving can still be fresh & it will hurt. And that's ok, but it doesn't have to control you anymore than he does.

hugs & peace

Bridge