I have read most all of DB 1 and about half of SSM. I've been divorced before. I will admit I did some drifting on the why not to get divorced stuff as I found very little of it I felt as applicable to me/my situation. I think I understand the 180. I think I did some and as I think some others have experienced, it hardly got noticed and didn't seem to make any difference.
My wife has never complained about sex with me that I can think of except maybe about why she didn't want to which was because of other things, not the act itself. My wife is a go at it type.... she doesn't particularly like forplay and if I do some she pushes me/us along to get at the action so to speak. I feel I am sensitive to her in bed. It is important to me that she be satisfied and orgasm which she does most times. When she doesn't because I'm to quick or something, I used to feel bad/insecure about it but she has always said forget it - it's no big deal - and I believe her. I think because most times she does O and I don't think she is faking it or has very often. I'll do just about anything sex wise/in bed with or to her that she wants. The last about 2 years though that has been very limited. In fact she has cut off things that she used to let me do like oral. I asked why (more than once) and if she wanted me to do something different and her answer is no - she just doesn't want that anymore.
I didn't mean to make the romantic comment something more than a statment. She isn't romantic - I don't care. I knew that and it doesn't bother me and never has. Actually in the big picture I kind of consider myself lucky that way as I don't feel like I'm expected to live up to some movie or romance novel ideal of being "romantic".
I *do* own some of the security in the marriage issue - probably most of it. I have and am tring to fix it and do things better/correctly. What has happened is she acknowledges some of my efforts but repeatedly says "but before you...." fill in the blank. We can't seem to move on to a healthier relationship and trust. Before you ask, yes, trust is part of the problem. She says she doesn't trust me in several aspects of life. Money, work, asking her opinion/assistance are not any of them. It's my family of origin and my relationship with them, my son, "protecting" her from them, me putting her above all others, and a couple other things. I've worked hard to correct these things for YEARS however I am repeatedly regularly reminded how I failed her before and then her analysis of why and what my motivations are etc etc. I feel I do and am making substantial effort to "own" the problems/issues. My problem is what I see is the lack of much progress and I've grown tired of the sword contantly over my neck as well as using sex as a tool to punish and manipulate.
Yes - I recognize there is anger in my posts. I'm frustrated and pissed my partner doesn't seem to care enough about our marriage and future to make much effort to meet me even part of the way - or it seems that way sometimes/a lot. She lost her ring for a while. When brought up in C, she said "it doesn't mean anything anyway". She now says that "isn't what she meant". I find it interesting that she can say that and expect it to be forgotten (which is fine and the way I want/prefer it) but every mis-step I've ever made with her I seem to re-live again and again as she reminds me and analyzes and questions me on why and then connects it to pyschological issues/problems. Of course I'm not supposed to take any of it personally - she's just pointing out examples.
There are lots of things I like/love about her. I'm tired of being beat up.
